40 Signs Of A Gay Husband by Debra Sutton


An excerpt from the book Signs of a Gay Husband-Identfying Closeted Gay Husband Behaviors.




Forty Signs of a Gay Husband

Man is not what He thinks he is, He is what he hides. ~Andre Malraux

I was unknowingly married to a gay man for twenty two years. Two and a half years ago my marriage started to unravel when he wanted out to go find himself. Throughout the entire marriage something was always wrong. I was always trying to fix things, but nothing was ever good enough. I had to know what I had lived in for the past twenty two years. I started reading about narcissism, midlife crises etc., before my divorce became final. I went ahead and left the marriage while waiting on the divorce. I moved to my home state of Texas, during this time I heard my husband made sexual advances to a man I know. I felt like my mind had been shattered into a million pieces, but suddenly everything about my marriage finally made perfect sense. I went online in search of answers and found information and help through Bonnie Kaye. I don’t know what I would have done without her support. I have met wonderful women who know exactly where I’ve been. I have made a list of common gay behaviors in hopes that it will help other women who may be going through the same thing.

1.) He never kisses.

2.) We had not been intimate in ten to twelve years I lost count, and before that it was rare.

3.) Sex was robotic or he seems inexperienced no matter how long you have been together.

4.) Never bought Christmas or Birthday Gifts, in fact he hates Holidays.

5.) He blames depression, alcohol, and medication for not having sex even telling a doctor in front of me that he could no longer function sexually. The doctor ordered test on his testosterone levels he never went to take the test.

6.) He suffers from alcoholism, and/or drug abuse.

7.) He suffers from narcissism. A Narcissist creates a false identity because they don’t have an identity of their own. They feed off other people’s energy. The gay husband creates a false identity and uses you to help maintain the facade. I believe this is why they become narcissistic.

8.) He is moody, angry, and abusive physically and or verbally, projecting blaming. Mine blamed me for everything wrong in his life. They start to see you as standing in their way.

9.) Disappearing not saying where he is going.

10.) Fixated on his computer, or phone, never allowing you to see anything personal. He constantly deletes the browsing history.

11.) Gay Porn on the computer. I found gay porn on the computer. I was told it was my fault, that I gave us a computer virus.

12.) My gay ex-husband brought strange men home as if they were drinking together.

13.) Strange Phone Calls-A strange man called my house once and said my husband was supposed to meet him for a cookout I did not know what that meant at the time, the man sounded disappointed. It was winter and cold outside. I now know Cookout=Oral Sex.

14.) He always noticed men’s bodies and never women. I never worried that he was with a woman.

15.) Homophobic or the opposite he could bring up gay subjects.

16.) Gay men hate female private body parts they can even make derogatory comments they also hate our smells.

17.) References to anal sex or would choose that type of sex if you are willing.

18.) Sudden changes in appearance. Shaving body hair, obsessing with hair, buying new clothes.

19.) Pay Attention to grooming habits such as constantly cleaning his bum maybe he wants to be ready for a sexual encounter at any given moment.

20.) Loves to be in the company of his buddies so much so that he breaks plans with you. My gay ex broke an anniversary dinner with me and plans for New Year telling me that he knew these guys a lot longer than he knew me.

21.) Never initiates sex. You may think they are the most asexual person you have ever met. A man does not go five, ten, or twenty years without sex. He is having sex just not with you.

22.) Maintaining Separateness-Wanting to keep separate bank accounts. Not wanting to own anything together.

23.) Guarded-Guards his privacy about everything even small things-I could not even open the water bill if his name was on it.

24.) His mother may know or suspect that he is gay. A mother seems to know. My ex mother in law asked me if he was gay.

25.) Gas-lighting-A form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubts their own memory.

26.) Hepatitis C –I know you don’t have to be gay to have hepatitis C. A lot of intravenous drug users have hepatitis C, it is also common in gay men. A few years after we were married my husband was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. He came home accusing me of giving it to him. I was checked and do not have it. He told me at the time of his diagnosis the doctor told him a lot of gay men have Hepatitis C. If your husband test positive for Hepatitis C, HIV, or any other STI or STD during your marriage this is clearly something you need to look at.

27.) Hiding Behind Religion-Some gay husbands hide behind the church using and twisting scripture as a form of dominance, control, and obedience. I personally did not experience this, but I have heard this.

28.) Misogyny-Is the hatred or dislike of women or girls. Misogyny can be manifested in a number of ways, including sexual discrimination, denigration of women, violence against women, and sexual objectification of women.

29.) Family Disconnect-They may be disconnected from their families, mostly their fathers. This disconnect can also be there with their children.

30.) Memory problems-Some may say they cannot remember parts of their childhood.

31.) Toxic Shame-The closeted gay husband has a lot of shame. He does not like what he is, and does not want to accept him-self as being gay.

32.) Endless Fear-The closeted gay husband suffers from endless fears. He fears discovery. He lives in a constant state of hiding the truth.

33.) Self-Hating-He hates what he is. He does not accept himself.

34.) Liars-They have to lie daily to hide the truth of what they are.

35.) Unsettled-My gay ex-husband was never happy, never settled. He always wanted to move away to get a fresh new start.

36.) Self-Destructive Behaviors-The closeted gay husband engages in self-destructive behaviors. He may have legal problems and criminal charges.

37.) Not Comfortable in His Own Skin-He was never comfortable with him-self, and said this many times, that he was not comfortable in his own skin.

38.) Living In Isolation-We lived an isolated existence.

39.) Strange Bedfellows-Pay attention to old friends from the past, college roommate’s, best men, childhood friends. There may be more there than meets the eye.

40.) Argumentative-He likes to argue, in fact its sport for him. You may feel like you are arguing with a female. They think much like a straight woman.

At the end of my marriage, I talked to my mother in law, after I heard about the sexual advances my husband made to the man I know. She was not surprised and said “If you will remember, I asked you this years ago. I hope he finds peace now.”

We need to protect ourselves. These gay men who hide in marriages can become very angry, frustrated, and abusive. They really beat you down emotionally. Many of these men will never admit they are gay.

30 thoughts on “40 Signs Of A Gay Husband by Debra Sutton

  1. Thank you. I think my husband is gay or has been rape by another man. He hates gays and accusing me of trying to make him gay. He hates anything that reminds him of a penis from penne pasta, padded hangers, or sweet notes. He is always spitting out hatred of gays. Plus he is over sexually. He hates the word woman or women and he is always looking at other women as if he is trying to prove he is heterosexual. He claims I am curseing his life and he believes I am the reason he is not happy in life. What is going on? Now I am beggining to hate him.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Sabrina, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope you find the answers you need. Homophobia can certainly be a sign of a closeted gay husband. They don’t want to be gay and can certainly overcompensate.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I have posted here before…thanking Debra for this list and would like to thank Bonnie too. I have found her pages useful as well.

    Straight men,I have found, often would like to have sex with a woman they may not even like as a person and sometimes they won’t say no even if they find a woman not too attractive. So why does they guy,who is supposed to be your husband and allegedly loves you, detest sex with you?

    He is not straight.

    May I say that this list applies to any guy not attracted to women. He could like children, animals, objects…just not women.

    Some gems from personal experiences:
    1. ” Live ” confabulation : He takes responsibility for NOTHING. So if you listen to him talk long enough about anything you will hear him step by step reach the same conclusion each time. How its not his fault. How he suffers. This could be work, about stuff with friends, traffic situations. Anything.

    2. When he talks about other people, the woman is always a bad person and responsible for the woes of those around her. Women are also the worst at everything.

    3. Does not like to share the bathroom with you. Does not change in front of you. Has no interest in catching a peek of your body (straight men will take every chance).

    4. Blames you for absurd things: “I am lazy because of you. I could not enjoy the movie because of you.” Also sets you up to fail and then criticizes you.

    5. Enjoys inflicting little humiliations: like making you admit you don’t have money on you,that you don’t know the way to someplace etc.

    The best thing is to leave this vessel full of hate.

    Here is some BS chauvinistic trolls will try to pile on you:
    1. This is not HIS fault.
    Answer: deceptively marrying a woman despite knowing himself to be gay (never will be able to truly love her as intended in Nature) is not just a fault, it is a sin committed with malice aforethought. And its his sin.

    2. You have to do your duty as a wife.
    Answer: Yes,to a real husband. A homosexual man is no husband to a straight wife. Especially if apart from spiritual treachery there is physical infidelity. That man is no husband. Do not degrade yourself by trying to be dutiful to a diabolical liar.Do your duty to himself and give your sacred commitment to a man who is worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ForeverMe these are all great points you add to the list. I could especially relate to its never his fault, how he suffers, the blaming for absurd things. So agree it’s a sin commuted with malice.


  3. Thank you, reading this has been a great relief. These comments are so accurate…..and I’m not the only one to be deceived for years. .Although my 15 year old “marriage” ended in 1989, I had no one to talk to about this to debrief and process .. I was protecting two young sons when it ended (divorced, annulled, and he died) ( Of AIDS related or suicide..Which was. according to him ,MY fault for not making him be faithful) I have no relatives or friends and I tried therapy but the psychologist was too uncomfortable discussing sex. and I was too embarrassed to press the point.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Other things I could add to the list of signs, I should have seen.
    Constantly said hateful things about homosexual people. (So he couldn’t have been gay…right)
    Hated women, denigrated them constantly. Bodies, smells, lack of brains and skill.
    Talked about other people;s bodies and sex..in a gross way- both strangers and friends.

    He was 35, I was 17. He was my professor. He claimed to have been engaged, had many relationships with women. turned out to be a lie. ( HE was under investigation by the college for having an affair with an underage male student with rich, angry parents- as I found out years later, and he was using me to prove he was straight and not capable of a gay affair )

    Agreed to buy me an engagement ring, if I bought the marriage ring. The engagement ring was not a diamond, but a tiny tourmaline- dark green, size of two sesame seeds, (126.00) He grunted and complained the whole time. He would not wear a ring,

    He demanded my single mother(age 38) to pay for the entire wedding– although she was a very poor state worker, and he was a professor.(age 34) (Shame on me–, my poor mom) He planned the whole wedding himself (said I had no taste) he had 210 guests, we were allowed 30. At the reception, my gown was too big to go down the buffet line, and he refused to get any food for me because it would be too embarrassing and it was my own fault- but he chose the dress, I had no say)
    Drank heavily before the wedding.

    Did not look at me once the whole wedding day. Disappeared the wedding night.
    Came back and laid down the law about what I could and could not do- question, seak when spoken to, never ask for money, just accept what was given, Never answer the phone, door, or open mail. No say in finances. Go nowhere except work.

    He complained bitterly about any money he spent on me. Even the dentist .

    He overcompensated maleness- motorcycle, guns, alcohol. electric fence around his rundown trailer in the remote boonies. There were signs- all windows boarded up; strange items inside, Artwork hanging had other art or photos under them, woman over, guy under. But he had some huge ladies’ panties in his underwear drawer.

    Lies, lies, lies. Touched his nose when he told a lie, or said what do you think?

    Gaslighting, told everyone I was crazy., so I would never be believed.

    Never asked my opinion , left me totally out of decision making – he chose the house, the car, without me seeing either beforehand.
    Cut me off me from my family, and friends
    Made me quit school and the job I loved and work at minimum wage, where he told me to,
    Insisted I bear a child and give up the idea of a profession (He was a professor and earned a EdD during the marriage) While I worked nights at a gas station.
    Critized my clothes, hair, makeup, cooking, housekeeping, parenting.
    Sold my car.
    Changed jobs frequently; had grave troubles at work , but would not tell me what they were.
    On his resume, listed his hobby as “swimming”. He never swam.
    Piles of Sure Jell packets around his bed.
    He had dozens of a white handkerchiefs always wore one that stuck out peculiarly in his back pocket. often dirty and stiff.
    We had separate bedrooms.
    In public most times I was to walk and sit far away from him, leave at a separate time.
    Occasionally, like when meeting his bosses, he was loudly showing me and the boys off. He would have allowed us to buy new clothes for the occasion. He was proving he was a family man and straight.

    Sometimes people in the street would call out to him; leaving my mother’s funeral next to a apartment house he lived in on and off- men shouted “Beard” at me. When I asked why he didn’t greet his friends, he refused to answer, and when I asked why they called me “beard” he said it was because I was ugly.

    There were many places the boys and I were forbidden to go; two adjacent cities, one his hometown.parks, some stores, restaurants. Sometimes the boys were allowed to go to a place, and I had to sit in the car. No reason given.

    Never any affection allowed.
    Extremely rare sex, for two years… he would drink, look at porn magazines by himself for an hour- he told me it was because he wanted to look at other women, because he thought I was ugly, but he would not let me see, and later I realized why- they were men. It was quick- 2-3 minutes, I had to remain clothed, above the waist . no kissing, hugging, etc.
    Insisted on a child, and on dropping my plans to finish college. Got the priest and Dr on his side. The Dr said- “well, you are being immature- why else would he marry someone like you, except for a baby?.” I felt I had no choice, no where to go, no money. I wanted the second child so my first would not be alone.
    No sex after 2nd pregnancy, because he wanted no more kids and would not let me take birth control. The priest supported that. I was confused, but ok with it.

    There were constant mysterious phone calls and absences any time of the day or night..I was not allowed to know why- at first I was beaten for arguing, then I gave up. There were a lot of times he had “stomach problems” and took laxatives and enemas., lots of time in the bathrooms. On the highway, he would stop and be in the restroom as long as two hours while we waited; then when the boys needed to use the bathroon he refused to take them in (Thank God)

    He was jealous , hateful and blamed everyone else. He felt persecuted and discriminated against. He felt he was smarter than everyone else. Tremendously manipulative, always starting trouble among people, he enjoyed seeing people get hurt, especially me. He enjoyed seeing others have physical pain. He killed his own dog. He killed cats.

    He felt superior and never once helped out around the house. When we moved from the trailer in the back woods to the house he selected, he rented a self- serve moving truck. I was 8 months pregnant and he made me lift and carry or drag everything on my own. He sat and smoked.

    I found photos of parties with him and other men; some Halloween photos with him dressed as a Nurse Clown were disturbing to me at 18 years old, but I didn’t know why.

    When I was finally given a checkbook and part of his salary, I saw on the credit cards huge expenses for gasoline, restaurants, alcohol. Gas stations and restaurants all over the state and in places he was living. Lengthly, long distance calls to odd places .
    He took “business trips “several times a year with one or more men. Later I saw the photos. But only twice took us to vacation; delivered us to the hotel at Disney and disappeared the entire time- visiting a sick cousin, purportedly , who did not want to see us.

    He drank heavily -Southern Comfort- a 3/4 of a jug a day; smoked pot when I was not around.. I wasn’t allowed even a glass of wine, but I wouldn’t have wanted it anyway, the sight of him so disgusting,

    He took random photos of male strangers, especially boys. Never women. Creepy.

    For many years, he lived away from me and our two boys. One year, it was to care for a dying sister, so he got an apartment 10 miles away. Another year, it was to make his education easier- it was near his doctoral advisor, a gay man with whom he authored a book.; another, two years because he had to establish residency at his job, in that city, and we couldn’t afford to get a house in that district. Another two years it was in a faraway city where he had a new job; we visited him there but were not allowed to go see his residence. Two years was a job in Washington, where he claimed he had a midnight tour of the White House, which I thought was preposterous, but a few years later I heard a staffer indeed was conducting gay tours and was found out. He actually picked up AIDS from a cabinet member who died 8 months later. At the end he had an apartment in our small city for five years, and another in the city where he worked. He was never available by phone- pre cell phone days, and gave me wrong addresses more than once. I knew something was dreadfully wrong. and I knew he was unfaithful and hated me. I just didn’t think he was gay.

    I felt I could not divorce. I was Catholic, we cannot divorce for any reason. I had not a cent, no family, no friends, had not finished school, and could not go on welfare. (My mom and dad had been lifelong social workers for the state and that was the lowest thing I could do.) But the new priest said I had 3 out of 4 grounds for annulment; so I filed for divorce , and annulment and secretly went back to finish college so by the time the divorce was final I would be employable. The day he got the divorce papers he moved back into the house, in a separate bedroom; I guess his lawyer told him to do it to protect his stake in the house. He “lived” there , but kept an apartment, and came and went at odd times. I found porn, left open for me to see. He did computer porn sharing. He bought a fancy van with bedding in the back for mobile promiscuity. I believe he deliberately infected my gay hairdresser with AIDS. (Shame on me, when he was mercilessly taunting me that I had no friends and would not live without him; I said Paul was my friend) That year was the year from hell. I got the divorce, the annulment, he took six months to move, then he died. His family refused to pay for the funeral. I had to, for my sons.

    Life turned ; I was hired for a good job, went to therapy, put my kids through Catholic school, they graduated college, married, and I have two grandsons. They do not know the evil, but they rarely saw them, and say, “it was like there was just you, all the time, we didn’t see him”. I’m retired now and moved to be closer to my grandsons;; I can’t believe the choices I made and the life we endured.I wish I could have done better for my sons. But they are alright…I devoted myself to them, I never dated, never married. I am too afraid of men and am at peace alone as almost a recluse. I don’t want to be at the mercy of a tyrant again. Live and learn, right?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Dawn,

      You lived through pure hell on earth. Many of us have. You must be a wonderful mom, you spared your children so much of this pain, while you suffered in silence. I understand exactly how you feel about wanting to remain single. I am at peace alone as well. It must have been so hard for you not having any support. The church seemed to support the husband. I grew up Catholic, but no longer attend Catholic Church. I do believe in God and go to a baptist church now. I am very reclusive myself, I see my children and grandchildren, but have no social life outside of my family. I am so sorry you had to go through all of this alone. I was able to find a support network. I feel fortunate to have found the support. Thank you for sharing your story. You are such an inspiration.


      1. Katie thank you. I have written 2 books Signs of a Gay Husband Identifying Closeted Gay Husband Behavior vol. 1 and Signs of a Gay Husband on the other Side of Fear vol. 2.


  5. I’ve been involved with what i believe a closeted gay man, who is hiv+(thats a fact) over 2 years now. Amidst he lies, abuse, financial entrapment, and lack of any authentic bond, i find myself barely a shell of the person i once knew. I’ve told him i want to end the relationship countless times and he finds ways of keeping me trapped from threats to messing with my car or promises to stay sober take meds. I’ve told myself his behavior was his bipolar disorder and alcohol/drug abuse. Since he has got out of jail and on probation for domestic violence he has been regularly taking his meds and abstaining from drugs/alcohol. This Valentine’s day he said he had to go drug test. He left at 7am but i called his PO he wasnt called to pee. When i confronted him he said that he was trying to surprise me with Willie Nelson tickets but couldnt show me a receipt or bank transaction. Between the gay porn, craigslist encounters, and time he cant account for im certain he is more gay than bi. I just want out but it is so exhausting. Ive offered a nice civil parting of ways but he just wont let me go. This blog is my only support and the voice of hope. Thank you!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Kris you are so welcome. You must protect yourself. Begin by making yourself a priority. I know how hard it is to leave a relationship. Ask yourself the questions are you happy? Are your needs being met? I know I was very codependent in my relationship. If you think you may be codependent read about Codependency. There is a lot online and on utube about the subject. Please take care of yourself.

      Best Regards,


  6. Thankyou, I can relate to all after 28 yrs of unhappiness and abuse , I felt so cheated and alone , so many red flags , I’ve never experienced such hate and anger especially when I decided to leave ,they are good liars and very manipulative , trying to convince everyone your mad


  7. I am a gay male, but I act more like a bisexual, but I don’t believe bisexuality exists. I have been married to my wife for 34 years now. I told her I was gay before the marriage, but she wanted to marry me anyway, out of love, thinking love conquers all, and in a way it has, in that she has conquered me. I am far from all the signs you talk about, and our marriage kind of works and we continue to be intimate, indeed, to have a satisfactory sex life, even though I have no doubt about my true sexuality. Sex is the easy part. My dissatisfaction comes out mostly in my being rather dour; I am never abusive to my wife. I even love her in a way, but not in the way romance requires. We have three children who are all close to us. I wouldn’t want to break things after all this time, because I have to be kind and sacrifice my own urges and desires for my family. I have mainly straight male friends who would mostly hate me if they knew I was gay. I have only one lone gay friend who lives in a distant city, whom I see about once every five years (yes, five years, not a typo), though we talk occasionally on the phone. He is closeted like me, from a culture where gays might get killed. He was married for three years and had two kids but is divorced. He would have liked it that I marry him, but I wouldn’t leave my wife. He has a heart of gold, but I can’t do him justice. Otherwise, I wouldn’t feel comfortable in coming out to American gays, whom I have nothing to do with. Reading about gay guys, I understand that they are unfaithful and have lots of other problems which I have no desire to share. I wanted you to know my story because I am sure there are a lot of repressed, invisible, married (and unmarried too) gays like me. It is my choice to live this way and not to leave it, and I also imagine it is better than any alternative. I am fairly at peace with my life and still like it, even if it is not perfect. It is good to make do with less.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your wife knew up front and still wanted to marry you. You did not deceive her. There is nothing wrong with you marrying her because she knew before she married you. She had a choice. The rest of us had no knowledge and were not given a choice.


  8. How do I get my closeted gay husband out of my house without a fight? I have recently discovered that he is in fact gay and has been having affairs for at least the past two years. He is a liar and will never admit to any of this. I have found out on my own. He becomes extremely defensive and uses gaslighting anytime I bring up anything he wants to keep hidden. He has threatened me on numerous occasions. I just want him to leave, He is also a narcissist. Possible psycho and a registered sex offender.


      1. Hi my name is Kathy I dated a closet gay I found out after we broke up. He treated me good went places together. He took me to meet his mom. That’s when it got ugly he didn’t want me after that . We never slept together he kept saying he needed more time. Then he said I didn’t turn him on . He played with my emotions. I know I am better off I am glad he moved away. I went in therapy after that. It helps I am glad I never married him. He was emotionally abusive. I want to find some one but it’s hard for me to trust.


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