An excerpt from the book Signs of a Gay Husband-Identfying Closeted Gay Husband Behaviors.
Forty Signs of a Gay Husband
Man is not what He thinks he is, He is what he hides. ~Andre Malraux
I was unknowingly married to a gay man for twenty two years. Two and a half years ago my marriage started to unravel when he wanted out to go find himself. Throughout the entire marriage something was always wrong. I was always trying to fix things, but nothing was ever good enough. I had to know what I had lived in for the past twenty two years. I started reading about narcissism, midlife crises etc., before my divorce became final. I went ahead and left the marriage while waiting on the divorce. I moved to my home state of Texas, during this time I heard my husband made sexual advances to a man I know. I felt like my mind had been shattered into a million pieces, but suddenly everything about my marriage finally made perfect sense. I went online in search of answers and found information and help through Bonnie Kaye. I don’t know what I would have done without her support. I have met wonderful women who know exactly where I’ve been. I have made a list of common gay behaviors in hopes that it will help other women who may be going through the same thing.
1.) He never kisses.
2.) We had not been intimate in ten to twelve years I lost count, and before that it was rare.
3.) Sex was robotic or he seems inexperienced no matter how long you have been together.
4.) Never bought Christmas or Birthday Gifts, in fact he hates Holidays.
5.) He blames depression, alcohol, and medication for not having sex even telling a doctor in front of me that he could no longer function sexually. The doctor ordered test on his testosterone levels he never went to take the test.
6.) He suffers from alcoholism, and/or drug abuse.
7.) He suffers from narcissism. A Narcissist creates a false identity because they don’t have an identity of their own. They feed off other people’s energy. The gay husband creates a false identity and uses you to help maintain the facade. I believe this is why they become narcissistic.
8.) He is moody, angry, and abusive physically and or verbally, projecting blaming. Mine blamed me for everything wrong in his life. They start to see you as standing in their way.
9.) Disappearing not saying where he is going.
10.) Fixated on his computer, or phone, never allowing you to see anything personal. He constantly deletes the browsing history.
11.) Gay Porn on the computer. I found gay porn on the computer. I was told it was my fault, that I gave us a computer virus.
12.) My gay ex-husband brought strange men home as if they were drinking together.
13.) Strange Phone Calls-A strange man called my house once and said my husband was supposed to meet him for a cookout I did not know what that meant at the time, the man sounded disappointed. It was winter and cold outside. I now know Cookout=Oral Sex.
14.) He always noticed men’s bodies and never women. I never worried that he was with a woman.
15.) Homophobic or the opposite he could bring up gay subjects.
16.) Gay men hate female private body parts they can even make derogatory comments they also hate our smells.
17.) References to anal sex or would choose that type of sex if you are willing.
18.) Sudden changes in appearance. Shaving body hair, obsessing with hair, buying new clothes.
19.) Pay Attention to grooming habits such as constantly cleaning his bum maybe he wants to be ready for a sexual encounter at any given moment.
20.) Loves to be in the company of his buddies so much so that he breaks plans with you. My gay ex broke an anniversary dinner with me and plans for New Year telling me that he knew these guys a lot longer than he knew me.
21.) Never initiates sex. You may think they are the most asexual person you have ever met. A man does not go five, ten, or twenty years without sex. He is having sex just not with you.
22.) Maintaining Separateness-Wanting to keep separate bank accounts. Not wanting to own anything together.
23.) Guarded-Guards his privacy about everything even small things-I could not even open the water bill if his name was on it.
24.) His mother may know or suspect that he is gay. A mother seems to know. My ex mother in law asked me if he was gay.
25.) Gas-lighting-A form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubts their own memory.
26.) Hepatitis C –I know you don’t have to be gay to have hepatitis C. A lot of intravenous drug users have hepatitis C, it is also common in gay men. A few years after we were married my husband was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. He came home accusing me of giving it to him. I was checked and do not have it. He told me at the time of his diagnosis the doctor told him a lot of gay men have Hepatitis C. If your husband test positive for Hepatitis C, HIV, or any other STI or STD during your marriage this is clearly something you need to look at.
27.) Hiding Behind Religion-Some gay husbands hide behind the church using and twisting scripture as a form of dominance, control, and obedience. I personally did not experience this, but I have heard this.
28.) Misogyny-Is the hatred or dislike of women or girls. Misogyny can be manifested in a number of ways, including sexual discrimination, denigration of women, violence against women, and sexual objectification of women.
29.) Family Disconnect-They may be disconnected from their families, mostly their fathers. This disconnect can also be there with their children.
30.) Memory problems-Some may say they cannot remember parts of their childhood.
31.) Toxic Shame-The closeted gay husband has a lot of shame. He does not like what he is, and does not want to accept him-self as being gay.
32.) Endless Fear-The closeted gay husband suffers from endless fears. He fears discovery. He lives in a constant state of hiding the truth.
33.) Self-Hating-He hates what he is. He does not accept himself.
34.) Liars-They have to lie daily to hide the truth of what they are.
35.) Unsettled-My gay ex-husband was never happy, never settled. He always wanted to move away to get a fresh new start.
36.) Self-Destructive Behaviors-The closeted gay husband engages in self-destructive behaviors. He may have legal problems and criminal charges.
37.) Not Comfortable in His Own Skin-He was never comfortable with him-self, and said this many times, that he was not comfortable in his own skin.
38.) Living In Isolation-We lived an isolated existence.
39.) Strange Bedfellows-Pay attention to old friends from the past, college roommate’s, best men, childhood friends. There may be more there than meets the eye.
40.) Argumentative-He likes to argue, in fact its sport for him. You may feel like you are arguing with a female. They think much like a straight woman.
At the end of my marriage, I talked to my mother in law, after I heard about the sexual advances my husband made to the man I know. She was not surprised and said “If you will remember, I asked you this years ago. I hope he finds peace now.”
We need to protect ourselves. These gay men who hide in marriages can become very angry, frustrated, and abusive. They really beat you down emotionally. Many of these men will never admit they are gay.