Debra Sutton is an author and a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Advocate. Coaching women suffering from PSTD, and battered women’s syndrome through the process of divorce. Debra is a certified ADA Advocate.

Debra Sutton is the author of the books Signs of a Gay Husband vol. 1 Identifying Closeted Gay Husband Behaviors-the book covers anger, abuse, and deception in marriages and also includes signs, behaviors, and stories from straight wives. Signs of a Gay Husband vol. 2 On the Other Side of Fear-covers learning to accept an apology you never got and moving forward after an abusive marriage.

Debra is an active member of the Straight Wives Club and offers personal coaching including support to Straight Wives, and those who are suffering from narcissistic abuse.

This blog site shares stories and articles about toxic and abusive relationships. When the blog first began in 2014, Debra wrote about her own experience in a 22 year marriage to a closeted gay man, who never admitted he was gay. Only adding to the confusion many straight spouses face. Debra is not claiming all gay men are narcissists suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As the blog evolved Debra had to come to terms with issues concerning abuse and she continues to write about and share articles on Codependency and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She writes from her own personal experience.

The author of this site is in no way offering professional advice or psychiatric counseling. The information on this blog site is not meant to replace a doctor, psychologist, or licensed therapist. If you believe you have a medical condition, please seek qualified professional care.

Debra Sutton offers easy and affordable coaching plans for information on pricing contact Debra at debrasutton53@yahoo.com

30 thoughts on “About

  1. Thank you so very much for sharing your painful experience to help others. I just found your website and although I thought I’ve cried it all out, the tears are streaming down my cheeks yet again. I’m still trying to make sense as to why my ex even asked me to marry him. Although he recently shared his childhood sexual abuse trauma, that still doesn’t take away my pain and devastation of our 8.5-year failed marriage. I was in marriage counseling by myself for 2.5 years before I had to courage to finally face the reasons for his sexual repression, which lead to many of my own feelings of being ugly, unwanted, unworthy, my fault, and the list goes on. The emotional abuse, when he continually didn’t want my physically or emotionally, just ripped my heart out of my chest -burned me to the core. We don’t have children but I did want a family; and I’ve gone through a long arduous and painful time with that. I’m a loving and doting mom of my fur-babies who soothe my tears with licks and give me much love with snuggles. Many nights I’ve held them and just cried, wondering why he didn’t even want to tuck me in bed or give me a kiss goodnight if he was “watching a late football game downstairs.” I still share many articles on this topic with my therapist, which helps me get through this agony. I know I am better off being alone than being with someone who makes me feel like I’m alone when I’m with them.
    I’ve been in my own home for 3 years now. I still have some tough days as I never thought on my wedding day that I would have been facing this. Your articles and comments from other people still help validate my feelings, my worth, my own happiness, and that I am not the only person who’s gone through/going through this devastating experience. Thank you Debra – and everyone who’s contributed. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Heather, I am so sorry for your pain. I know first hand how devastating this is. I have been divorced 4 years now and I can promise you it does get better. I know it’s a long road to healing and recovery. Longer than I imagined. I am glad to hear you are in counseling. We all need people that understand what we have been through. There are support groups online for women who have been through the same. If you are interested you can email me at debrasutton53@yahoo.com for a list of support groups. Big Hugs xoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My sis in law shared one of your articles and I could not believe all of the similarities that I share with your story. However, I have been married 31 years, and found out on Christmas Day 2013 that my husband was having affairs with men. Iltimately, he wrote a diary that I later read and he started getting “happy ending” massages at 35 — this was 20 years ago. He has blamed me for not wanting to be intimate, and therefore, his escapades grew into full blown sex and porn addiction issues meeting married men through various blogs and gay internet sites. There is a whole underground out there that I wish I knew nothing about! He has been with many men in different settings. I waited two years to file, and am currently going through mediation now. I would like very much to connect with you. Please let me know if this is possible.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am not alone. After reading your stories I thought you had some magic portal into our home. One week ago tonight my life was changed forever. I am so thankful to have found your site. My head is spinning with little ability to articulate anything… your words are mine right now. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for your blog. My husband (our divorce never finalized), died of AIDS related complications last year. I cannot fathom cutting one’s life short over something preventable. But sadly, it’s a reality for many.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Debra,

    I’m currently in a divorce proceeding a 32 year marriage. I have a handicap adult son, who is a life time commitment and a 17 year old daughter, who will graduate this year. In February of this year I discovered that my husband was having sex with men through an internet dating sight, I immediately filed for divorce. I live in a “NO FAULT” state where it doesn’t matter what another person does, my counsel says you can go to bed with an animal, a vegetable, 20 women or 20 men it just doesn’t matter. Someone needs to have accountability for the lives that have destroyed through their actions and if it takes me to help implement a new law I’m up for this challenge.

    I don’t feel that my current counsel is helping me and have already given him $5,100 and just received another bill from him for $2,900. My counsel advised me to turn the business over to my soon to be ex and now I don’t have a job. I feel that this attorney is after nothing more but our assets that we have worked so hard to obtain.

    My soon to be ex is so angry at me for opening his closet discovery that he wants to fight me in every aspect, leaving me with nothing. I don’t want to fight, I just want to move out of this state and live my new life. I’m a 53 year old women and need someone direction and insight of support groups me help me through this mess.

    Thank you for any and all advise.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Marie, I am so sorry for all you are going through. I agree there should be some accountability. The laws as they are now do not help us. With the no fault divorce laws there is no accountability. You have to be careful in who you choose for an attorney and even in looking for a counselor or psychiatrist as some are gay themselves or have sympathy for the gay spouse. There is support through the straight spouse network and also Bonnie Kaye. You can contact Bonnie Kaye at BonKaye@aol.com. The straight spouse network you can find online or click on the resources tab on this blog for the link.

      Best Regards,


  6. Debra, I think you have a minor error on your Resources page. I have a copy of “Over the Cliff” and it’s by Doug Dittmer as the author. Bonnie Kaye wrote the forward but the book itself is Doug Dittmer’s work and research, and it’s listed on Amazon with him as the author. In case people want to find it. I thought it was one of the more helpful books from the man’s point of view which I never really understood before that.

    Also, just a comment about your note right above. Does it really make a difference whether the counselor or psychiatrist is gay themselves? Isn’t the important thing that they be fair? Whether they are gay or straight, shouldn’t matter. At least if we want to say we are pro-gay, we can’t be saying that a gay counselor isn’t as good as a straight counselor. Bonnie Kaye had a gay pastor and counselor on her podcast for years, and he seemed very clear and fair to our side. I would have had him as my counselor, and I wouldn’t have cared if he was gay or straight.


    1. Thank you I will make the correction. Doug Dittmer is the co-author of Over the Cliff. The book helped me as well. And you are right it does not matter as long as the counselor is fair. Yes the counselor on Bonnie’s show was very empathetic and a good person. I’ve personally had 2 Gay counselors one was very good, the other one not so good, but that had nothing to do with him being gay. When I was in counseling I did not know my husband was gay so I was not dealing with the real issues which were unknown to me at the time. I also did some counseling with my husband at the time. I would have to decide if the counselor was being fair or not. As long as he was being fair his sexuality would not be an issue. Can they all be objective? I don’t know if they all can. So this is up to each individual to decide. If you are going to a counselor who is gay and was in the closet himself at some point he may have an unfair bias. I guess it’s up to what each person is comfortable with and how they are being treated in the counseling session. It’s a personal decision not one of discrimination. I will not be playing into this having to explain myself. There are those who say straight wives are homophobic etc. I’m not here to discuss discrimination issues. This site is to help women who have been affected by this issue. The issue of marrying someone who hid his sexual orientation for years and even decades.


      1. Debra, I hope you didn’t think I was calling you or anybody homophobic, far from it. Just the way it was worded, was all. I too had a gay counselor, and a straight counselor and they were both good in their separate ways, but they definitely weren’t the same even though they were both helpful. That’s what made me react the way I did when I read that note.

        You know what, since you had two gay counselors, one you said was good and the other not so good, it might be really, really helpful to hear about what you saw as the differences between those two. What was it that made you think one of them was good and helpful, and the other one not so much? Those would be great examples for us to know what in your experience worked and what didn’t work, and what kinds of things we should keep in mind for ourselves. And it would show that this not about homophobia at all, it’s about getting help and knowing when it’s good help. I think that would be an excellent, excellent and educational blog post.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Corena,

        The first counselor only listened he had no input and his personality was abrupt.

        The second one who I liked very much listened and offered suggestions. He even suggested certain vitamins and healthy foods. He was kind and empathetic.

        At the time I saw these counselors. I did not know my husband was gay.

        No Corena, I did not take it like you meant that. Only that we straight spouses have been called homophobic. I wanted to clear that up and not get off topic. Then I did go on to explain myself and I got off topic. I hate getting into the habit of having to defend myself. I know who I am. I am to the point people are going to think what they want to think.


      3. Corena,

        What I have been working on lately is letting go of anger and resentment. I had to heal myself first in order to do this. I would like to focus more on healing ourselves from the wounds of our past. When I looked at myself I realized why I stayed in an abusive situation. I would like to get into this area of healing and moving past the pain. I’ve been busy lately moving and getting settled in. I hope to work on a new post soon.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Very well said Debra. I’ve always been a strong supporter of gay rights. In fact if more people accepted people as who they are, not what their sexual orientation is, then maybe fewer gay men would feel pressured to marry women.
        However we as straight women married to gay men unknowingly, are dealing with DECEPTION. Not prejudice. Cruel deception by men who have stolen our lives to an extent. Having experienced this deception I would be very hesitant to hire a gay lawyer. At least until I knew his stance on my situation. Many gay men, although they pursued their marriage to a woman, still place all blame on their wife for their inability to come out and love an authentic life.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Kay, how can I help you? First of all I would say to come up with a plan to get out of the relationship. You cannot think clearly while living in abuse. Call local your local women’s shelter, They take women who are being physically or verbally abused, some even offer counseling to help women recognize abusive behavior.


  7. Jolynn, I understand why you would be hesitant to hire a gay lawyer and this has nothing to do with homophobia, it is just wanting to be treated fairly in the divorce. Certainly true many wives are blamed because of their inability to live an authentic life. We are just blamed for everything wrong in their lives and they never tell us what it is that is wrong. Then when we get out of the marriage we continue to blame ourselves for not knowing and not being able to see they were gay. And if there was abuse in the marriage we blame ourselves again for allowing horrible behavior.

    Our Gay ex’s or Husbands never take any blame. If they do come out as gay they blame societal pressures for the marriage.

    Many of the closeted gay husbands never come out and go on into new marriages with women. And of course they never bring up the gay porn we found on the computer. They rewrite history to blame us for the failure of the marriage.

    There are a small percentage who do come out to their wives and try to do the right thing. These cases are so few. I think out of 200 women only 2 or 3 had husbands who actually came out and told them the truth.

    So many of the closeted gay men who marry women never come out. They continue the deception with the next woman.


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