You Were Not My Lover You Were Not My Friend by Debra Sutton


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It has been 2 1/2 years now since I have seen or spoken to my Gay ex husband. I have had a lot of time to reflect. At first I did believe that at the very least we were friends but as time has moved on, I realize I never really knew him. I had a lot of questionable things stored in my memory. Everything I had questions about came flooding into my mind and I was able to make sense of it all. This was a two-year process with new things still coming to light.

After we bought our new house I planted flower seeds in the flower beds and shrubs. Every time my husband mowed the grass and brought out the weed eater he would mow down all my flowers and trim the shrubs down so low that everything died. I continued to plant and he continued to mow down. I saw that this was intentional and eventually gave up. He eventually killed me inside just like he did the flowers I planted. It was a long slow painful death. The death of my spirit, the death of my soul. He knew why he behaved this way I did not. I was not presented with the facts. I would never choose to marry a gay man.

How did I not know. These closeted gay men who hide in marriages are very deceptive. They deceive you on a daily basis. They are fearful of people finding out and they carry a lot of shame. I believe my husband hated being gay. After 22 years of hiding. I don’t think he could hide it from himself any longer. He still did not feel like he owed me the truth. I believe he thought he had suffered enough. I don’t think he thought about how much I had suffered. I suspected at the end of the marriage that he had met someone. I think he met a man that he wanted to be with more than anything he ever wanted in his life.

He was never my lover and as I lay in bed at night wishing I had a man to hold me, he was also wishing he had a man to hold him. He was never my friend because I never knew him and friends don’t treat people the way he treated me. Do I still need a confession from him? The answer is no. I had enough undeniable proof without his confession.

It takes so long to heal from these marriages because these gay husbands can really tear you down to the core of your being. Once you are broken like this there is nowhere to go but up. You start rebuilding yourself. You can come out of this better than you were before, if you do the work. You have to find out why you were a target to begin with. There is a lot of

self-evaluation. It’s never too late to start over.

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6 thoughts on “You Were Not My Lover You Were Not My Friend by Debra Sutton

  1. Debra, this is so, so true. These guys love themselves. They only pass words along to us to keep us trapped. I used to tell my gay ex that “love” is just another four letter word. He took it and distorted it when he would say, “Nobody will ever love you as much as I do.” Ha, ha. He had no conception of what love is–and still doesn’t. He was too busy loving himself. No one has a chance of running a close second. You are also so on target when you say we have to rebuild ourselves by finding out why we were targets for predators. Until we understand where we are weak, we can never be strong

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      1. Yes Betsy their love is abusive and deceptive. This is not love. My gay ex broke me down with all his abuse and lies. I did not find out he is gay until the end of our 22 year marriage. I was so broken I did not think I could get back up. I write now hoping to help others who are confused about what they are living in.

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  2. My closeted gay husband did the same thing to my garden. Would weed eat them down, saying it was an accident…more than a few times. Or, even after asking him to stop, he’d mow with the cut grass blowing onto the entire garden which would make the leaves burn and kill them. If it was important to me, tangible or dreamed, it was fair game to destroy. Then he would gaslight me if I got upset at the things he did. Oh, what an ungrateful wife I was and such a poor excuse for a mom and a Christian. Ugh.
    And to this day he thinks he was a good husband.
    Keep writing Georgia. Thanks Debra.

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  3. DW when my gay husband claimed it was an accident I might have bought that story if it happened only once, but he mowed down all my plants, flowers, and shrubs with the mower and weed eater every time he mowed. It was no accident. Mine also used anything and everything to tear me down as a person. They are so miserable they want us to miserable too. Thanks for reading and commenting DW.
    Sincerly
    Debra Sutton

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