It has been 2 1/2 years now since I have seen or spoken to my Gay ex husband. I have had a lot of time to reflect. At first I did believe that at the very least we were friends but as time has moved on, I realize I never really knew him. I had a lot of questionable things stored in my memory. Everything I had questions about came flooding into my mind and I was able to make sense of it all. This was a two-year process with new things still coming to light.
After we bought our new house I planted flower seeds in the flower beds and shrubs. Every time my husband mowed the grass and brought out the weed eater he would mow down all my flowers and trim the shrubs down so low that everything died. I continued to plant and he continued to mow down. I saw that this was intentional and eventually gave up. He eventually killed me inside just like he did the flowers I planted. It was a long slow painful death. The death of my spirit, the death of my soul. He knew why he behaved this way I did not. I was not presented with the facts. I would never choose to marry a gay man.
How did I not know. These closeted gay men who hide in marriages are very deceptive. They deceive you on a daily basis. They are fearful of people finding out and they carry a lot of shame. I believe my husband hated being gay. After 22 years of hiding. I don’t think he could hide it from himself any longer. He still did not feel like he owed me the truth. I believe he thought he had suffered enough. I don’t think he thought about how much I had suffered. I suspected at the end of the marriage that he had met someone. I think he met a man that he wanted to be with more than anything he ever wanted in his life.
He was never my lover and as I lay in bed at night wishing I had a man to hold me, he was also wishing he had a man to hold him. He was never my friend because I never knew him and friends don’t treat people the way he treated me. Do I still need a confession from him? The answer is no. I had enough undeniable proof without his confession.
It takes so long to heal from these marriages because these gay husbands can really tear you down to the core of your being. Once you are broken like this there is nowhere to go but up. You start rebuilding yourself. You can come out of this better than you were before, if you do the work. You have to find out why you were a target to begin with. There is a lot of
self-evaluation. It’s never too late to start over.