When Christian Marriage Advice is Dangerous by Debra Sutton

Some women spend a lifetime waiting for their abusive husbands to change. Believing in the sanctity of marriage many endure the hardship of an abusive husband. The Christian advice is to pray for the abuser. Or learn to be a better wife. The link and quotes below are from Marriage Missionaries International and this is the worst advice I have ever heard for women living in abuse the advice they give on dealing with an unlovable husband keeps a woman trapped and trying while living in abuse. I do believe in God, I don’t believe a God who loves me would want me to live in abuse. I don’t believe a God who loves me would want me to put my life at risk. The website below is all about the husband there is nothing I see on the site that tells husbands how to treat and love their wives. The Bible also tells men to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave his life for her.

Ephesians 5:25-33

25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansingb her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”c32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Many abusive husbands will use the Bible to keep their wives trapped in abuse. They have clergy and the church backing them up using quotes from the Bible such as wives must submit to their husbands. The husband is the head of the household.

I have seen many Christian women living in abuse trying to pray their way through it. Many of these women are the only one in the marriage trying to live a Christian life. They go to church alone, or with their children while their husbands are out drinking. They get home from church get the kids to bed, then the husband comes in drunk and terrorizes the household. The children are wakened from their sleep and they have school in the morning. The children go to school feeling tired, traumatized, and insecure. They can barely get through the school day. The wife is Home traumatized putting make up on her bruises hoping no one will notice, cleaning up the broken glass from the night before, and getting dinner ready hoping and praying her husband does not come home drunk again tonight. Praying there will not be a repeat of the night before. The Husband comes home and he apologizes for the night before. He begs for forgiveness and says this will never happen again. His wife forgives him and things go along smooth for awhile. Tension builds life, work, money problems before you know it there is a repeat of the abuse. This cycle can continue for years. As she forgives him over and over throughout the marriage.

A man who abuses his wife has already abandoned the marriage and destroyed the marriage vows. He has betrayed the trust, the sanctity, and security of the marriage. Women do not have to follow their husband when the husband is going against God.

The Bible tells us to forgive. This is where the abuser takes advantage of God’s words and expects forgiveness from his wife when he has no intention of changing. When God forgives he requires repentance and a turning away from sin. Asking for forgiveness with no intention of changing is not really being sorry or turning away from sin. Asking for forgiveness with no intention of changing is wanting to continue with the sinful behavior expecting a free pass. Saying I am sorry with no change in behavior is not really sorry it is manipulation.

You are not bound to a marriage where you are being abused. If you feel like you need to forgive your abusive spouse it is best to forgive him from a safe distance. It is dangerous to forgive an abuser over and over while staying in the abuse. Abusers rarely change.

I struggled through abuse in my marriage believing God would want my marriage to work. I stayed in the marriage over 2 decades hoping and praying my husband would see the pain he was causing me and want to change his behavior. I forgave him over and over allowing the abuse to continue.

Should you decide to forgive once you have removed yourself from the abuse remember forgiveness is not acceptance nor is it going on with your life as if the abuse never happened. Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness does not mean you allow the person who abused you back in your life. Forgiveness is not for your abuser, forgiveness is for you, to free yourself from the abuse that took place. And most of all forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for staying in an abusive marriage.

The following clips

Quoted from Marriage Missionaries International is horrible advice for women in danger living in abuse. To view the full article follow the link. Making excuses for the husbands abusive behavior because he had had a bad day at work is deplorable. Women think if they show this abusive man enough love he will change. This is rarely the case.


Clip from Marriage Missionaries International

Living With an Unlovable Husband

Here’s what Jesus says regarding difficult relationships:

“Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayers for that person. …If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.

“Here is a simple rule of thumb for your behavior. Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? …I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You’ll never —I promise —regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we’re at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind.

Clip from Marriage Missionaries International

Walking in the Spirit?

One way you can tell that you are walking in the Spirit in your marriage is to ask: Is my husband’s response my goal, or am I doing this to please the Lord?

God will enable you to be compassionate to someone who doesn’t deserve it, just as He was and is to you.

Ask yourself, “Why is my husband moody and sharp with me?” Often the answer is that you are simply catching the overflow of what happened to him at work, with his parents, or with some other problem. Is this fair? No, but life isn’t always fair. Consider other possibilities as well: Is he stressed about something in particular? Is he fatigued due to extra house he’s putting in at work? Is he going through a difficult time with someone? Ask God to give you understanding and patience during these times and continue to treat your husband lovingly, regardless of how he may be treating you.

4 thoughts on “When Christian Marriage Advice is Dangerous by Debra Sutton

  1. I think most of the religions have asked the women to be the one to carry the ‘burden’ of marriage. Or may the men have interpreted it as such over the years and it has become programmed.

    Not just a marriage but every relationship is collective responsibility. This should be made be clear to children. No ‘ one’ can make it work.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That advice given by the Marriage Missionaries is pure insanity. It is telling the woman to p!ace her neck on the guillotine. Such pure insanity.
    They don’t change and they know exactly what they are doing. And whatever thing they blame it on..( Most likely you) is a way to refuse accountability.

    Liked by 1 person

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