What Does a Narcissist Want Answer by Debra Sutton on Quora


The narcissist wants and needs constant validation in order to prop up the false self. The narcissist can not regulate his own emotions. He relies on others to do this for him by validating him. He/she is wounded and feels slighted all the time. When he feels slighted his need is to recover from the wound. In order to recover he extracts the emotions of others, mainly his spouse/partner. The spouse/partner becomes his emotional punching bag. He rages, projects, deflects all of his emotional baggage on to his spouse. He does not own any wrong doing it is placed on the spouse, this is how he recovers from perceived slights real or imagined. He needs the emotions of others this keeps him fueled or supplied. The fuel the narcissist receives keeps the false self propped up. Without fuel/supply the narcissist can go into depression. He feels the darkness closing in, because there is no real self. The real self is gone killed off in childhood. The narcissist wants a partner who can be a steady source of supply to prop up his false self. He initially feels infatuated and he hopes she will be the one to offer constant never ending supply. He idealizes his partner in the beginning. When he realizes she is human and makes mistakes she falls from the pedestal he has placed her on. He then begins to devalue her. Devaluation can last for years. It becomes a cycle of reward and punishment. The spouse begins to see through the narcissist as well. She may no longer admire him. When the fuel supply feels old and stale to the narcissist he switches back and forth from idealization to devaluation it’s not so much he ever places her on that pedestal again like in the beginning but he just throws her crumbs to keep her hooked into the abuse, this keeps the spouse on edge and creates contrast in the fuel supply for the narcissist. It is a cycle of trauma and chaos for the spouse and keeps her jumping through hoops to try to please him. The narcissist wants a partner who will be a constant steady source of never ending fuel supply, a partner who will never take the focus off him. A partner who never gets sick or needs anything. If you were to get sick for example say you were diagnosed with cancer and needed chemo you would have to focus on your needs in order to get well. Something like this would cause the narcissist to discard you and he will also blame you. All he knows conscious or unconsciously is he is not being supplied with the fuel required to prop up his false self. He most likely has your replacement lined up before you are out of the picture. At this point you will see how easily the narcissist replaces you. And how you truly meant nothing to him. It’s all about fuel/supply the narcissist is an addict. And at the same time he resents those who supply him.


3 thoughts on “What Does a Narcissist Want Answer by Debra Sutton on Quora

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s