From the Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462614209&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm
The love that you shared so completely with another person that SUPOSSEDLY returned this same love back to you was a lie, and a huge con job. They were betraying you, extorting you, cheating on you any chance they could, backstabbing you, destroying your good name, convincing you that you were crazy or insane, lying to reinforce that you were crazy, re-writing history, etc., etc. What do you do when you find out NONE OF IT was real as well as the rest of what I just wrote? What does that make you feel like? WHERE do you start to sort this all out! There are MANY layers that we HAVE to dig out of, and don’t forget it is connected to that amazing ‘love emotion.’ But your spirit as weak or damaged as it is will be there to get you through this. That spirit is ALWAYS alive as long as you and I are breathing!
We understand the process of falling out of love and probably many have experienced this before, but in a NORMAL relationship. What did we love? A rock, air, dirt, a tick, an alien? There is a big question that needs answered and those ‘love’ emotions are tugging at us in a different direction. Our minds fail us in the confusion at times and we believe that they DO LOVE US because they are still contacting us after the fact so let’s work even harder at fixing this, so we go to that place to believe AGAIN. But it will be just more of the same abuse, but we STILL don’t actually get it. We eventually will and do get it, but completely wrapping our head around that is insurmountable and takes a great deal of perspective and time to actualize and it is all compounded with so many other layers that need dealt with. There is too much adversity and confusion at once so it becomes traumatizing! It is like believing that your neighbor saw a ghost, so you sort of get it, but without past experience to back it up WE DON’T REALLY GET IT. Be gentle with yourself and ALWAYS realize that it is all part of the process we have to experience to put real perspective where it belongs and that is why the educational aspect is so important.
OK, so when we do get it, there are more questions! Were we just that crazy to love an insane and destructive creature? Were we this bad off or mentally deficient that this is what we welcomed or allowed into our lives? Is this all that we could get? No, no, no, no, no, no, no AND no! But without the education about these creatures we have to step back so far to figure this all out AND deal with issues that are so foreign to our normal way of thinking! There is that horrible fact that we may still love them lurking around in all of this. YES, I keep repeating this, BUT it is the catalyst that keeps us attached to them at the hip! So the PERSPECTIVE – now we have to work through the falling out of love by accepting the truth that they were a psychological terrorist/rapist that we unknowingly opened up our life to. We have to blend the two opposing thoughts together and become functional in our thinking that yes it was both things AND the door to recovery opens up.
NOW a new step, and we start speaking out about the truth AND our situation – we ARE finally getting somewhere. Unfortunately, people may start shaking their heads and fingers at us. None of which is welcoming or helping us and adds more confusion and despair. We feel like we are walking alone in this journey and there always seems to be more confounding aspects to it that we must stumble on and define before we can move forward again. We get on peoples nerves because we keep talking about it! We need answers and this is how we find them. STILL it is part of the necessary process to healing, even as much as we get on people’s nerves we really don’t mean to!
The most important aspect is convincing ourselves that this was a Narcissist. Until we get there we will only remain in a confused state, blaming ourselves and reaching back to find out what WE did wrong. This only adds our own layers to this abuse. YIKES!! What I can say through my experience is that everything does fall into place, but the process takes education, time, real support from other targets/victims and a great deal of energy to purge all of the negativity out of us before we move forward. Don’t forget we can and will fall backwards and that again is just part of the process and we learn from our mistakes. There is also the overwhelming exhaustion from carrying so much anxiety and the trauma, and that surfaces as physical ailments. So, so much to deal with and then there is more than likely a ‘smear campaign’ that is waiting for us and SUDDENLY we hear WE are the bad guy.
So once you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel you stumble into more abuse because that Narcissist has been out there destroying your integrity with that SMEAR CAMPAIGN and well before the relationship ended. They have slandered you in every possible way just through knowing personal aspects of your life and using that familiarity to fuel their smear campaign by making that personal information negative and sourcing out people to pit against you. Again, for now you have to put all of that on the back burner to get out of the immediate fog. Believe me that the people that listen to a Narcissist’s BS are not worth your time. Anybody that buys the Narcissists BS without allowing you to be present to tell the truth and defend yourself is just as disordered as the Narcissist. In the end I didn’t lose the people I loved that were real and important in my life. This is all part of the process to recover from this abuse, so understanding through the experience of others provides clarity and hopefully a promise of a viable and positive direction to get through this.
Who could EVER believe the truth that presented itself to us and lives in us about this abuse and how someone just used us for the time they did and how they were inclined to destroy us as well. It is still hard for me to accept, but I know better because I lived through it and the truth is right there to back it up. What I can’t believe is that there are human beings capable of this and as a normal person with empathy it is not within my realm to understand them! That says a great deal and an important point just within those words that after experiencing and recovering from this abuse it is still hard for a person of empathy to get it completely. But what I learned is that I don’t have to ‘get it’ so completely, I just have to understand it and accept the truth to forget about that Narcissist because they are what they are and that HAS to be enough. Knowing and believing this enables you to move forward and work on everything else that involves getting healthy. Don’t waste your time on getting into their heads, or trying to understand them, or trying to fix THEM because you are only denying the very truth YOU ALREADY KNOW! It is now time for you to get past this psychological/emotional abuse so you can enter back into a great world feeling healthy! It is a necessity to focus on yourself!
What about all of those amazing memories and the time you spent together, the plans, goals, dreams, holidays and fun. Well let’s put a little spin on that. How much fun comprised the relationship from day one to the final discard. Perhaps 1/100th of it. I didn’t have fun past the first year. Seriously I was a full-time baby sitter and servant to a mentally disturbed child. I spent most of my time dealing with justifications and bending over backwards to try to fix what was unfixable and completely lost myself in the process. I was always in the corner sitting on a stool getting my verbal beatings and told how awful I was (just imagery.) I wasn’t any of that, but I was intentionally made to feel that way.
Was I crazy, insane, off my rocker? Probably so but not by choice. The effects of the slow and subtle abuse took me there day by day. I became disabled because I was meant to be taken there by this destructive person. That is victimization and even as much as I hate that word it is the REAL definition and I had to understand it or stay frozen in denial. It helped me understand the process and the rest of it was up to me as far as my personal responsibility, new boundaries and moving forward. I have found those wounded parts of me that helped me understand my part and I worked through them. I understand the process and I separated the facts and I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS ABUSE, and I am not crazy, or deserved any of this, or anything like that! You didn’t either! There is only one way out of this and it starts with NO/MININAL contact! Greg