Men who Suffer in Silence by Debra Sutton


What is it like for men who find out their wives are lesbians? I went online to do research on this subject and could not find anything. I did find a women who was married to man, 25 years in a heterosexual marriage, with children who discovered her love for a woman. This woman described the romantic and sexual love as something she could never feel with a man. And she was asking how could this be after 25 years of marriage and two children, it was if she was unaware of her same sex feelings until she met this particular woman. 

Then I came a across a story about a woman who lived as a lesbian for many years and never thought she would marry a man and have children. She married a man and had 4 children. There are stories online about mixed orientation couples and how they make their marriages work. And there are stories like mine from women who find out they are married to a closeted gay man. Still no stories from men who find out the woman they married is a lesbian and has been cheating on him, or she has found the love of her life a woman she cannot live without. 

Men are taught they have to be strong and to suppress their emotions. Many men are not as verbal as women and may find it hard to articulate their feelings. They go through the same emotions we women do. They experienced rejection, and feelings of inadequacy perhaps they are too embarrassed to talk about it openly. They too wonder what was real in the marriage? Did his wife ever love him? They grieve the loss of the marriage and the person they thought they knew. 

The suicide rate is higher for men than it is for a women. Depression is also higher in men. Is it because we as a society have taught men it is not manly to speak about their emotions. Men are less likely to go for help. I think men have a lot of Pride and they don’t want to be perceived as weak. So where do men go when they need help? Many of them suffer in silence. 

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6 thoughts on “Men who Suffer in Silence by Debra Sutton

  1. In my str8 spouse support group, which meets once a month, we have several men who were married to lesbians. Most of them had no clue and were devastated when they found out. They suffer just as much as the straight women in our group. I hope someday we’ll know the true extent of homosexuality and raise awareness among all people that, despite the legalization of gay marriage, many gays still feel they cannot come out and choose to victimize straight people by using them for cover. Thank you for publicizing the red flags and educating us on this painful topic.

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  2. I can tell you the real suffering is all the years or even decades of silence before discovery, when you wonder what is wrong with YOU that she doesn’t want you. But you’re a man, and men are not supposed to discuss or admit those things, even with their male friends. It’s not until she finds someone to engage her denied feelings that you find out it wasn’t about you all along. Then the silence is about having to live in someone else’s closet; very similar experience for all str8spouses from what I’ve seen.

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    1. Tim we all suffer in these marriage men as well as women. Yes men don’t share their feelings like women do. I think keeping these feelings bottled up can cause health problems and depression. I’m glad that some men are beginning to share their own experience. I know many str8 spouses don’t talk about this openly because they have children and maybe the children don’t know yet. Your right many str8’s are living In someone else’s closet.

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  3. I just wanted to follow-up with you Debra, on the straight wives matter campaign, Bonnie Kaye confirmed it is for women only, but she added that she might add straight husbands someday. I take it she does not work with straight husbands, only straight wives? I saw you removed the post where you mentioned the straight wives matter campaign. Is that still happening?

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    1. I removed the post because I needed to edit something. I’ve not reposted. Bonnie’s news letter should be on her blog. And people can subscribe to her newsletter by writing to bonkaye@aol.com The straight wives matter campaign will continue. Bonnie works with women and gay men who want to come out to their wives.

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