Today I went to the hair salon and asked the beautician to cut 2 inches off. My hair was really long. The beautician had only one eye and needed glasses for the one eye she did have.
I did not have the heart to say no you can’t cut my hair.
The last time my hair was cut off like this I was still married to the gex. The years of rejection took a toll. My mind had thoughts of If only. If only i had my hair back, if only I could lose weight if only…..then maybe he would be attracted to me. I internalized the years of rejection and truly believed there was something wrong with me.
Today as the woman cut off too much of my hair my thoughts were oh well i needed a change. I wasn’t upset at all. We get so wrapped up in the If only’s. When I was going through the If only’s I did not know my husband was gay. I did not understand his physical rejection of me and yet he wanted to stay in the marriage. Later he wanted out, but I suffered rejection through most of the 22 years we were married. He blamed depression and medication. And I bought it.
It’s hard not to internalize the rejection. Since I came to know his sexual orientation it explained so much and was a relief for me to realize it wasn’t me after all. He would have me leave the marriage thinking it was all me. He intended to go off to his new life without ever telling me the truth. And when I did find out, I confronted him and because I knew the truth he never spoke to me again. He was too much of a coward to tell me the truth.
No contact works for me. It helped me clear my mind. He was no longer in my life to confuse me. Over time my self esteem returned. All attachments to him were broken and my feelings toward him became apathetic. I wish him neither good or bad. I don’t care if he’s with a man or a woman.
It’s a great feeling today to be able to say oh well about my hair. It doesn’t matter if my hair is long or short. If I gain or lose a few pounds. I’ve come along way from the if only’s.