If Only by Debra Sutton 



If only

Today I went to the hair salon and asked the beautician to cut 2 inches off. My hair was really long. The beautician had only one eye and needed glasses for the one eye she did have.

I did not have the heart to say no you can’t cut my hair. 

The last time my hair was cut off like this I was still married to the gex. The years of rejection took a toll. My mind had thoughts of If only. If only i had my hair back, if only I could lose weight if only…..then maybe he would be attracted to me. I internalized the years of rejection and truly believed there was something wrong with me. 

Today as the woman cut off too much of my hair my thoughts were oh well i needed a change. I wasn’t upset at all. We get so wrapped up in the If only’s. When I was going through the If only’s I did not know my husband was gay. I did not understand his physical rejection of me and yet he wanted to stay in the marriage. Later he wanted out, but I suffered rejection through most of the 22 years we were married. He blamed depression and medication. And I bought it. 

It’s hard not to internalize the rejection. Since I came to know his sexual orientation it explained so much and was a relief for me to realize it wasn’t me after all. He would have me leave the marriage thinking it was all me. He intended to go off to his new life without ever telling me the truth. And when I did find out, I confronted him and because I knew the truth he never spoke to me again. He was too much of a coward to tell me the truth. 

No contact works for me. It helped me clear my mind. He was no longer in my life to confuse me. Over time my self esteem returned. All attachments to him were broken and my feelings toward him became apathetic. I wish him neither good or bad. I don’t care if he’s with a man or a woman. 

It’s a great feeling today to be able to say oh well about my hair. It doesn’t matter if my hair is long or short. If I gain or lose a few pounds. I’ve come along way from the if only’s. 

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2 thoughts on “If Only by Debra Sutton 

  1. Debra,

    so glad you’ve gotten over the “What If’s.” I suffered with those for a while also until I started putting the pieces of the puzzle together. He’d rarely be complimentary to me, even when I knew I looked nice and had taken a lot of time to get ready. Other men were constantly letting me know I was attractive. It was always weird to me that he was the only one who hardly ever gave me a compliment. I’d mention this to him and he’d just look at me or h’d say “you do look nice” as if to appease me somehow.

    I know now that no matter what, there is nothing I could have done to make him want me. Simply put, I am NOT A MAN and that is all it took for him not to appreciate me. It was almost as if he constantly resented me and my place in his life as his wife. Yet, on the other hand, he wanted to stay in the marriage and seemed proud to “have a wife.” It was the worse selfishness ever! I would say to him that he seemed to be fine with the mediocrity, the lack of communication, the lack of physical intimacy and the roommate lifestyle. He would say he wasn’t okay with it but never made significant changes or adjustments to resolve anything. I was always in the driver’s seat. Once I got fed up with driving the relationship (initiating communication, trying to “reach” him, etc.) it went even further downhill faster. At about this time, I noticed him starting to groom his life even more to “find himself.” He began to work out obsessively, he changed his wardrobe and he continued to reach out to men in ways that seemed “off” to me for a straight man.

    He still says he loves me and wants it to work…now, how could that be without me sacrificing all that makes me feel like a treasured, cared-for woman? I won’t settle any longer in that way.

    We have separated and are headed for divorce. I am much happier knowing that I am on the road to gaining ME back.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Congratulations you are one step forward the fulfilling life you deserve. It will still take time to heal and learn to trust again, but you are on your way. I wish you all the happiness you deserve.

      Like

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