This Is Not The Defining Moment by Debra Sutton



We cannot allow this one experience to define who we are. There is so much more to us than this. Being married or being the ex-wife of a closeted gay man is not the end of our journey, nor is it the end of our story. I understand how painful it is to find out you were deceived by someone you trusted. This is not the end of our lives, for me it was a new beginning. A time to heal old wounds, a time to really get to know myself, a time to know my value and worth, a time to wake up to the truth. For me this was a true life awakening. No more living in the darkness. No more living in limbo or just going through the motions, not fully awake or aware. 

His lies and deception are not my burden to carry. Having regrets about the marriage and time I spent with him is futile. I no longer have the time to waste on things I cannot change. I was living honestly in the marriage. I did my best. As for his deception that’s on him. I get to go on with my life releasing all the negativity that never belonged to me. When you think about why these men live dishonestly and the fear they have about living an authentic life it’s really sad for them. For those that remain in the closet after divorce they don’t get to walk away like we do. They are stuck in their lies and deception and many go on to marry women again and again repeating the deception over and over. These men are never free, free from themselves. 

We cannot allow the actions of one person to define our lives. Life has so much to offer us as we heal and move forward. Bad things happen to good people in this life. It’s up to us how we deal with it. I look around at all I have, my cup runneth over. This experience is not the defining moment of my life. I’ve had wonderful experiences in life such as the birth of my children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Next month I will have a new great grandson. How wonderful it is to get to have this experience. I look around at all God has blessed and entrusted me with, and I know I am blessed. We cannot allow this to become our defining moment. 

I know many of you are just finding out about your husbands and the pain is overwhelming at first. I want you to have hope and faith you will heal from this. You are on your way to your healing journey. Stay focused on your healing, be kind and patient with yourself. And know you are not alone. 

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13 thoughts on “This Is Not The Defining Moment by Debra Sutton

  1. “When you think about why these men live dishonestly and the fear they have about living an authentic life it’s really sad for them.”

    And it’s probably because nobody ever said to them, “It’s okay for you to be who you are.” That really is sad, isn’t it, that they never heard anyone tell them that. I know how painful it is for us, but it’s also sad for them. Both of those are true at the same time.

    Congratulations on having a great-grandson to be! That made me think about how we have to start telling our children every day that we will love them and care for them no matter who or what they are, as long as they don’t hurt other people, it’s okay to just be themselves. “To thine own self be true.” If they can do that, we will always love and protect and defend them.

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    1. My favorite quote To thine own self be true. This was my favorite quote I listed on Facebook before I even knew about the gay thing. Thank you for the congrats on my new great grandson. Yes I want my children and grandchildren to feel loved and accepted. They will always have this from me.

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    2. A lot of what I have read talks about how the husband avoids having sex. Mine was like the opposite. He always wanted it, but would blame me when he couldn’t perform. He wanted me to make out with him in public, do things in public places. His demands of what he wanted sexually increased, he wanted me to do things I was uncomfortable with. He always criticized me during sex, I wasn’t doing enough to turn him on. I felt he viewed sex just as an act. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the concept that I was married to a gay man for 20 years. We’ve been divorced separated for 3 years, I’ve been recieving therapy for the emotional and physical abuse I recieved.

      Admttedly, I questioned his orientation upon initially meeting him. I even mentioned it to him. He laughed and sent me flowers, basically love bombed me. After a year I started to hear things from his friends/coworkers, sometimes they made comments “jokingly” but when his drunk friend made a comment saying he really was gay. I just buried it. He loved to go to gay bars with friends, seemed fascinated by the gay lifestyle. I even found a breakup letter from a guy to him but I just kept repressing it. When I discovered the 50 pictures of his genitals on his phone, I was still in denial. I realize now he wasn’t sending them to women. He did have affairs with women too. this is what I don’t understand. Maybe he believes that a real woman ( I heard tons of this crap for 20 years) to him is not going to make him want sex with a man. I’m really glad I found this website. I had been on personality disordered websites but no one ever mentioned their ex was gay. That was missing component to me.

      Upon telling my parents we were getting divorced,,,,my father seriously asked him first if he had a boyfriend. On the way home he took my hand and asked me why my father would think that. I made some general statement that he was just joking. When I look back, I can’t believe what my 20 years entailed, but I love the article not the defining moment, it has given me hope to move past this.

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      1. Amy I am so sorry for all you have been through. It really is hard to wrap your mind around it. I know it was hard for me. It literally blew my mind that I was married to a closeted gay man for 22 years. Once we are away from these men the whole picture emerges. Looking back we are able to see it all. It is like putting the pieces of a puzzle together. It’s coming up on 5 years that I have been divorced. I realize that my life is so much more than my marriage to a closeted gay man. We really do heal once we are away from them. In the marriage they really do keep us confused. I’m glad to hear you are out of the marriage. Real healing will take place for you. I wish you all the best as you move forward with your life.

        Best Regards,
        Debra

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  2. I realized I could have said what I meant to say a lttle better. It’s hard to make this distinction when we are in pain, but what I want to say to my ex is this:

    ‘It’s okay for you to be who you are. It’s not okay what you did to me while you thought you had to hide it. You don’t need to hide it, and then you won’t have to hurt me or yourself or any other people again.”

    That’s what I wanted to say.

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  3. I don’t think I told you that I changed churches not too long ago. My pastor was telling me how being gay is not part of God’s plan, and my husband was in a fallen state of grace, and he needed to be saved. But when he said maybe my marriage to a gay man was God’s way of punishing me for something, I nearly blew my stack. And real fast he changed it saying he didn’t mean “punishing” me, he meant God was “testing” me. That was too much and too obvious. It was like he had slapped me across the face, and then said he didn’t mean it that way. From a pastor! That was the last time I set foot inside that church. I wonder if he’s figured it out by now but probably not.

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  4. I don’t know what I would do without reading your blog. You have helped me tremendously. I thank you for your compassion, and your inspiring, courageous and motivational words. And for validating each and every one of my feelings during this nightmare I’ve been in. You are a true woman.

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  5. I found out 4 months ago that my husband of 37 years was gay and had been unfaithful most of our marriage. I found this article and it is exactly what I’m feeling about keeping his secret. I hope it will help others to verbalize their own feelings. The anger in feeling right now is overwhelming. I never dreamt that anyone could hurt me like he did. It was impossible. We all think about the horrors of having our spouse die unexpectedly or other such calamities, but finding out that they are gay is not in our comprehension. It is not a fleeting thought. It is not a possibility. It does not exist. But it happened. And it happened to us. Not someone else. Not a neighbor or a casual aquaintance or even a close friend. No. it happened to us and we bear no fault in the matter. Our sorrow is unbearable. But it should be born.by him. Unfortunately that is also not a possibility. That does not exist. They are selfish to the end. They deceive themselves and every person to whom they continue to lie. Theirs is a burden they don’t even acknowledge. They can’t comprehend. How sad for them. But do I feel sorry for them? Hell no.

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    1. Jaime, I hear understand and have felt all of your feelings. My heart goes out to you. 37 years is such a very long time, you have spent your life with this person. It is such a shock to find out you have been deceived on such a level, it is incomprehensible. You are right most them never acknowledge the pain and damage they cause others. In order to move forward you must think of yourself now and your own healing.

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