Hindsight is 20/20 by Debra Sutton



Looking back he was not the love of my life, actually he was not even my type. It was never a passionate relationship like I had with my first husband. I realize what attracted me to him. It was because he was not a womanizer. I went through a painful relationship in my first marriage with him cheating. So it was refreshing to meet someone who was only interested in me. He never looked at other women and maintained that throughout the marriage. Imagine my shock when I found out he was a cheat and was cheating with men. 

I did feel sorry for him in the beginning, poor gay man who felt like he had to marry me to hide the fact he is gay. How horrible it must have been for him to pretend so many years. Having to live alone with his secret. Never feeling like he could be himself, no wonder he was so cruel. He worked on my sympathy this is something he always wanted. He wanted me to feel sorry for him. Then I stopped feeling sorry for him and started putting myself first. And began working on me and my healing. 

It’s easy to beat ourselves up for not knowing. But we are not mind readers. And these men lie to us. I can see it all now in hindsight. Isn’t it something how well we see in looking back. I see him secretly meeting men for sex as I was home being the good wife. I see him treating me badly because I am not a man, and a man was what he wanted. I understand all the disappearances. I know what that phone call meant from a gay man upset because my husband did not show up for the cookout. I know the gay porn I found on the computer was his, even though he blamed me, by saying “you gave us a computer virus.” I know it’s true when I was told he made sexual advances to a male acquaintance. And now I know what he was doing in the bathroom of our apartment with a male coworker. I admit I was naive. There were times I wondered. Then his mother asked me if he was gay. At this point in my marriage I told her I did not know…I never knew this person, or the deep dark secrets he carried. If I would have known I would never have married him. He took away my choice. Then I felt like I wasted my life. I wanted something from him an apology, the truth. 

These are some of the feelings and emotions I went through when we divorced. If you are just finding out your husband is gay you will go through a range of feelings and emotions. The first thing we need to do is stop blaming ourselves for not knowing. How could we know? These men are lying to us on a daily basis. You may have felt something was off in your marriage, but you did not know it was this. Second we have to quit feeling sorry for him. And make ourselves and our healing a number one priority. Three he is not your best friend. You have to know someone who has your best interest at heart is your best friend. Your gay husband does not have your best interest at heart. Four quit making excuses for his bad behavior. Five quit waiting for a confession or an apology. It will never happen. Six most importantly go no contact if you can. For those of you with children limited contact. Always keep your boundaries, keep it strictly about the children. Seven simplify your life, declutter-get rid of things you don’t need. Get yourself stable, have a routine. Remember healing takes time don’t rush the process. Know you are not broken. You may feel broken at the time. But we are resourceful, resilient, and have much more strength than we give ourselves credit for. 

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