Once you find out your husband is gay and has been cheating with men. Has anyone ever told you well at least he wasn’t cheating with a woman. And if he was cheating with a woman that would be way worse. I’ve heard statements like this. I have to say they are way off base. I was married the first time to a straight man. My second marriage was to a gay man. Of course I did not know he was gay when I married him. My first husband cheated with women. It was very heartbreaking. Each time he cheated I was heartbroken. I always ended up staying. Over the years he figured I wasn’t going anywhere. Slowly over time my feelings toward him began to change. When I left and divorced my first husband. I met and married my gay husband. We were married shortly after we met. Being married to a straight man who cheated with women vs. marriage to a gay man who cheated with men. Hands down being married to the gay man who cheated with men was much worse. First of all my gay husband was never happy, he did not like himself. And he took all of his anger and frustration out on me. He lied to me for 22 years about who he was. So I never really knew him. At least I knew at some point my straight husband loved me. When you find out your husband is gay you know it is impossible for him to love you the way a man should love his wife. You feel used and like you wasted your years with a gay man. And you also feel the whole marriage was a lie. I felt robbed of my years. Years I could have spent with someone who truly loved me. Instead I was a cover for someone who was unable to accept himself.
The gay husband would cause me physical and mental harm just to hurt me. There was no rhyme or reason for his attacks. I know now that he felt trapped. While he hated living with a woman he felt like he had to in order to give the appearance of being straight. Oh he always said he was sorry and begged me not to leave. And if I did leave he would beg me to come back. He had a desperate need to keep his cover around. I left one time for 6 months after he beat me in the head with a steel flash light for saying hello to one of his coworkers. I really did not believe I would ever go back. But I did end up going back much to my regret. The abuse did not end. There were cycles of apologies and abuse. I was so confused by his behavior throughout the marriage. I knew he suffered from alcoholism and depression. He also had to go on treatment for hepatitis C. I told myself I could not walk out on my husband who was ill. After all I did make marriage vows in sickness and in health. The things we tell ourselves to stay. I know know this is wrong. But at the time I made excuses for his horrible behavior.
I also felt very sorry for him. He told me I was his best friend his only friend. And told me horror stories of his childhood. He made me feel like he was never shown love. I thought if I showed him enough love he could change. Abusive men like him do not change. I was doing a Google search recently for one of my post, and his name came up. He was arrested 9 months ago for beating up another woman. I’m sorry he did this to another woman. At the same time I am so grateful it was not me.
In the beginning finding out my husband was gay I went through all the stages of grief. Anger being one of those stages. Anger is healthy and must be experienced. Once I had time away from the gay husband my mind began to clear. I looked back at all I went through with him. I know I never deserved any of it. The anger did leave and I reached acceptance. There is nothing I can do to change what happened. But this experience has changed me in a very positive way. I am so grateful for everything today. And I try to enjoy each new experience to the fullest. He can’t touch my life today. And I have peace now. I realize I am important and I am no longer willing to tolerate people who don’t appreciate me. “If you constantly find yourself trying to prove your worth to someone you have already forgotten your value.”~Quote
We all make it passed the pain and anger. None of us stay in that place forever. I know it feels like forever when when you are going through it. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad for your grief, or like you are taking too long to move on. Grief is different for everyone . It takes however long it takes. Being part of a support group for women going through this experience helped me move from anger to acceptance and then on to a new life as a single woman. The group was so essential to my healing. They validated me when I had been invalidated for so long. These women knew how I felt and what I was going through. They never judged me. And they were always honest with me.
You cannot thrive in a marriage to a closeted gay man. If you are feeling confused and stuck in a marriage where you know something is not right. And you suspect your husband gay. You are not alone. I have a list of resources on this blog site. Just click the resources tab. If you would like to receive Bonnie Kaye’s monthly news letter write to BonKaye@aol.com