Finding Closure by Debra Sutton



With homosexuality being more acceptable these days, and the change in gay marriage laws, I was hoping to see a decline in women needing support. Sadly this has not happened, there are more women needing support daily. Even though gay marriage is legal there are still those gay men who will remain in the closet. It’s one thing to keep your privacy, and choose to remain single, but to marry a woman in order to put on an appearance of straight is a whole different story. I do take into consideration that some men marry young and are confused about their sexuality. They marry hoping those same sex attractions will go away. And they love their wives the best they can. At some point they know the same sex attraction is not going away. Most of these men are acting on their desires for men while married to women. Still these men will not admit they are gay. Their wives usually find out by finding gay porn stored in the computers history, or text from or to a man. 

Even when these men are confronted with the evidence they still deny they are gay. They are out there having sex with men, but will come home and have sex with their wives to prove to themselves they cannot be gay. These are the men Bonnie calls the gay straight husband. They feel out of place in either world, but find it easier to pass as straight. They have a straight identify, but a sexual desire for men. These are the men who live a secret gay life. And if you do get a divorce they will go on to marry another woman. 

At what point do they stop blaming society, or their parents for their own poor choices. While it is true society has given gay men a hard time. Still there are gay men who would never think of marrying a woman. There are gay men who would never consider sex with a woman. At what point does the closeted gay husband take responsibility for the harm they cause others? From what I have read about these gay men who bear no responsibility. The answer to this question is they never do. They feel as if they are the injured party. As if they gave up their years for you. 

Don’t wait from an admission or an apology from the gay straight husband. After some years of marriage were you know something is off and you are waiting around to find that proof, or for him to confess. You may be waiting a very long time for something that is not going to happen. I think you reach a point where you know. You know he’s gay, but you did not actually walk in on him having sex with a man. Don’t waste years looking for that proof or waiting for a confession. Some women do track their husbands activity, or hire private detectives because they need that closure. Closure these men are never going to give. I think if we have to spy on someone the marriage is already over. I do understand needing and wanting that closure. I think you need to do whatever it takes to bring you the closure you need. Once you have the closure you need you can then begin to heal and move forward with your life. These men even rob you of this truth in closure, because they are afraid if you know the truth it will cost them more in a divorce. 

By the time you are searching on line for signs of a gay husband you have seen so many things in your marriage to bring you to this point. You are beginning to wake up to the painful truth. We can live in denial for a very long time. The fact is we don’t want to believe our husbands are gay. This is the last thing we search for. It is the last thing we want to believe about the men we marry. It is much more difficult to move forward without proof or a confession. I was fortunate enough to have some proof, but still I wanted that confession. It would have helped with closure. It is possible to move forward without a confession or proof. We wives were never meant to live in the closet with a gay man who cannot except himself. It plays mind games with your psyche. It is very toxic and destructive living in the confusion of the closeted gay husband. Closure will happen when you are ready to let go. 

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6 thoughts on “Finding Closure by Debra Sutton

  1. Love this. And yet it is so true. I always wanted him to confess so I can get closure. But it never happened and it never will sadly. I’ve moved on with my thoughts and emotions regarding all this. I don’t feel anger anymore. Nor hatred. I just feel pity. Pity for them that they lead such double lives. Pity for all the innocent wives they’re going to marry again…

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  2. I think it’s probably too early to see a decline in this phenomenon that we are all going through. It’s only been legal in this country for a little more than a year. And there are still so many countries where it is not yet legal. And even here in the USA, there are plenty of people who don’t approve of it, even if it is legal. I think we’re going to be seeing this for another generation at least, don’t you? Look how long it took for people to get used to civil rights and voting laws for minorities. It’s too bad there’s nothing like fluoride that we could put in the water that would get people to stop being so judgmental. Until that happens. our husbands will always look for a place to hide, and we will be caught along with them. At least our kids will probably see less of it, and our grandkids even less of it. But a year just isn’t long enough to change people’s minds. We were born into the wrong generation, I think.

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    1. Your right Arowen it has not been long enough to make a difference, but hopefully in the future things will be different. People will no longer feel like they have to hide who they are. Yes for our children it will be different. I can certainly understand why people felt like they could not be open about it. I just wish they did not marry us.

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  3. The Archbishop of Philadelphia released his guidelines for marriage a month or two ago. It’s online if you search for it, but you can probably guess what he said about gay marriage and gay equality with straight people. Gay people do not set “a good example” for church members. But even more than that, he also said that straights who get divorced and re-marry – legally re-married – must abstain from sexual relations with their new spouses because that is also not in keeping with the Church’s teaching. So even if we divorce our gay husbands, according to him, we can never have intimate relations again, and if we do, then we are not good members of the Church. So where does that leave us? He’s saying neither we nor are husbands are allowed to live our lives authentically. I guess he thinks it would be better if our husbands stayed closeted and faked the marriage. Ugh.

    It’s so wrong, and so backwards. I never imagined this would happen to me, but after I read what the Archbishop says, and that’s what the Church teaches, well, then it’s no wonder it happens. I am surprised it doesn’t happen more often. I don’t like it either, but what was my husband supposed to do, live his authentic self and be damned to hell for it (according to the bishop, anyway)? And now I can’t remarry or have an intimate relationship again? Who made up that rule? I got more and more angry the more I read his statement.

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    1. I know the Catholic Churches stance on marriage, divorce, and remarriage. I was raised Catholic but left the Catholic Church. I don’t agree with the Catholic Church. This kind of thinking kept me in an abusive marriage. Jesus said there is one reason a person could get a divorce. In cases of marital unfaithfulness. I know the church believes even in these cases you are not allowed to remarry. They also believe if an innocent baby dies without being baptized the baby will not go to heaven. This one really confused me as a child. I could not agree with this even as a child. I thought how could a loving God send an innocent baby to hell because he or she was not baptized. When I grew up I left the Catholic Church.

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