Having the support of women who experienced the same as me was essential to my healing. These women understood me when no one else could. They validated me when I had been invalidated for so long. Yes we do move past the pain and anger of learning we were married to a closeted gay man.
I do not blame my ex gay husband for all of life’s problems or the problems I had before marriage. I did want him to take responsibility for his 22 years of lies and deception. This is a responsibility he never owned. Yes I did feel like my years were stolen, but I have moved on. I am grateful now for the years I have left that he will not be apart of. Life gets better without a closeted gay husband around to confuse and blame you for all of the problems in his life.
It’s all a matter of what you can accept in a marriage. Is this what you signed up for. For those that want to stay married once they learn their husband is gay, or bi that is your choice. It would not be my choice. He would never have been my choice if I had known the truth. I can only speak for myself. My marriage was toxic and harmful to me as a person. This is not what I signed up for. I don’t need a husband to love me like a sister, I have sisters that love me. I don’t need a husband that needs a mother. He has a mother and I have my own children.
For me the marriage was harmful emotionally, mentally, and physically. It was so destructive and I imagine it was for him as well, but he is not my concern. My concern has been my own healing. I had to make myself top priority after leaving such damage and devastation. The fact that he was a closeted homosexual had everything to do with the marriage being toxic. It touched and effected everything in both of our lives the only difference is he knew why he was such a miserable person and I didn’t.
There are gay married men who think they have done no harm to the women they deceive and marry. When their wives find out they are gay and the marriage ends, they say the marriage was going to end anyway because of other problems in the marriage. Then there are the gay married men who fall in love with a man and want to leave the marriage without ever telling their wives the truth. Leaving her to believe the marriage failure was all her fault, because the marriage was going to end anyway. According to these men being gay was never an issue in the marriage. Him sneaking around cheating with men exposing his wife to all kinds of venereal diseases was never his fault, because if his wife kept a cleaner house, was a better wife and mother, if she was not overweight, he wouldn’t be out there cheating with men in the first place. If they can keep blaming us, they never have to look at themselves, or take any responsibility for their actions. I am not by any means saying all gay men are like this. There are a few who come out to their wives, do the right thing by their families and some are able to maintain friendships and coparent their children.
For those of us who were not given the truth or the answers we so deserved, it takes longer to heal. We dissect our marriages over and over searching for the truth. We seek closure. Eventually we do find our own way, finding the closure we need on our own. We reach an acceptance of the truth as we move past the pain. We begin to embrace life again forging our own way. We feel stronger for it. It’s scary to think I could still be stuck in that dark place in a marriage built on deception. Today I am happy to be free.
When we marry we make vows that we take seriously. We hate letting go. It makes us feel like a failure. We are afraid of change. Sometimes the pain of holding on becomes more painful than letting go especially when you find out your husband never meant those vows in the first place. When you find out your husband is gay it’s time to ask yourself some serious questions. Would you have married him if you knew he was gay or bi? What are you willing to accept in a marriage? His sexual desires for a man are not going away. Are you willing to have an open marriage? Some people enter into marriages knowing their husband is gay or bi and this is different from marriages where the husbands same sex attraction was kept a secret.
It’s hard for me to believe a man at 40 or 50 is confused about his sexuality and even though he is secretly having sex with men he does not know he is gay. I cannot believe he is in denial at this point. Yet he will still try to confuse you when you come across his gay porn on the computer, his Craigslist account, or his secret text to a man. He may say he is bi once he is discovered only to take it back later. He’s bi, no he’s gay, no he’s changed his mind again now he wants to stay married to you. Don’t be surprised when the marriage ends and he remarries a woman adding to your confusion. At this point you need to stop yourself you know he’s gay. His new marriage will not be any different. Yes it’s sad he’s doing this to another woman. Then you ask yourself should you try to warn her. Will she believe you? I wish someone had warned me, even if I did not listen in the beginning, at least a seed would have been planted.
Then there are the closeted gay men who do come out to their wives and move on into relationships with men. How do you tell the children about the new man in daddies life? My heart goes out to women with children. It has to be so difficult to see the man you were married to for 15, 20, 30 years now with a man. At least there is some closure. It’s a very difficult road any way you look at it. There are no easy answers. We move ahead taking each situation as it comes.
For the men that bear no responsibility for their actions. We hold the truth, we are the living proof that their actions do cause harm to others. If they can silence us, they never have to look at the damage they cause.