This is not What I Signed up For! by Debra Sutton


  

Having the support of women who experienced the same as me was essential to my healing. These women understood me when no one else could. They validated me when I had been invalidated for so long. Yes we do move past the pain and anger of learning we were married to a closeted gay man. 

I do not blame my ex gay husband for all of life’s problems or the problems I had before marriage. I did want him to take responsibility for his 22 years of lies and deception. This is a responsibility he never owned. Yes I did feel like my years were stolen, but I have moved on. I am grateful now for the years I have left that he will not be apart of. Life gets better without a closeted gay husband around to confuse and blame you for all of the problems in his life. 

  

It’s all a matter of what you can accept in a marriage. Is this what you signed up for. For those that want to stay married once they learn their husband is gay, or bi that is your choice. It would not be my choice. He would never have been my choice if I had known the truth. I can only speak for myself. My marriage was toxic and harmful to me as a person. This is not what I signed up for. I don’t need a husband to love me like a sister, I have sisters that love me. I don’t need a husband that needs a mother. He has a mother and I have my own children. 
  
   

For me the marriage was harmful emotionally, mentally, and physically. It was so destructive and I imagine it was for him as well, but he is not my concern. My concern has been my own healing. I had to make myself top priority after leaving such damage and devastation. The fact that he was a closeted homosexual had everything to do with the marriage being toxic. It touched and effected everything in both of our lives the only difference is he knew why he was such a miserable person and I didn’t.  

There are gay married men who think they have done no harm to the women they deceive and marry. When their wives find out they are gay and the marriage ends, they say the marriage was going to end anyway because of other problems in the marriage. Then there are the gay married men who fall in love with a man and want to leave the marriage without ever telling their wives the truth. Leaving her to believe the marriage failure was all her fault, because the marriage was going to end anyway. According to these men being gay was never an issue in the marriage. Him sneaking around cheating with men exposing his wife to all kinds of venereal diseases was never his fault, because if his wife kept a cleaner house, was a better wife and mother, if she was not overweight, he wouldn’t be out there cheating with men in the first place. If they can keep blaming us, they never have to look at themselves, or take any responsibility for their actions. I am not by any means saying all gay men are like this. There are a few who come out to their wives, do the right thing by their families and some are able to maintain friendships and coparent their children. 

For those of us who were not given the truth or the answers we so deserved, it takes longer to heal. We dissect our marriages over and over searching for the truth. We seek closure. Eventually we do find our own way, finding the closure we need on our own. We reach an acceptance of the truth as we move past the pain. We begin to embrace life again forging our own way. We feel stronger for it. It’s scary to think I could still be stuck in that dark place in a marriage built on deception. Today I am happy to be free. 

When we marry we make vows that we take seriously. We hate letting go. It makes us feel like a failure. We are afraid of change. Sometimes the pain of holding on becomes more painful than letting go especially when you find out your husband never meant those vows in the first place. When you find out your husband is gay it’s time to ask yourself some serious questions. Would you have married him if you knew he was gay or bi? What are you willing to accept in a marriage? His sexual desires for a man are not going away. Are you willing to have an open marriage? Some people enter into marriages knowing their husband is gay or bi and this is different from marriages where the husbands same sex attraction was kept a secret.

It’s hard for me to believe a man at 40 or 50 is confused about his sexuality and even though he is secretly having sex with men he does not know he is gay. I cannot believe he is in denial at this point. Yet he will still try to confuse you when you come across his gay porn on the computer, his Craigslist account, or his secret text to a man. He may say he is bi once he is discovered only to take it back later. He’s bi, no he’s gay, no he’s changed his mind again now he wants to stay married to you. Don’t be surprised when the marriage ends and he remarries a woman adding to your confusion. At this point you need to stop yourself you know he’s gay. His new marriage will not be any different. Yes it’s sad he’s doing this to another woman. Then you ask yourself should you try to warn her. Will she believe you? I wish someone had warned me, even if I did not listen in the beginning, at least a seed would have been planted. 

Then there are the closeted gay men who do come out to their wives and move on into relationships with men. How do you tell the children about the new man in daddies life? My heart goes out to women with children. It has to be so difficult to see the man you were married to for 15, 20, 30 years now with a man. At least there is some closure. It’s a very difficult road any way you look at it. There are no easy answers. We move ahead taking each situation as it comes. 

For the men that bear no responsibility for their actions. We hold the truth, we are the living proof that their actions do cause harm to others. If they can silence us, they never have to look at the damage they cause. 

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25 thoughts on “This is not What I Signed up For! by Debra Sutton

  1. I am so glad to have found someone who has been in my shoes. I read a lot of blogs about affairs and betrayal. But THIS, this is different. This is more damaging. And honestly I don’t think I can ever move past that damage. I still don’t understand why they get married? In my case I’m his second marriage! And why is it they do anything and everything to have kids? I had mine through IVF for the obvious reasons. He couldn’t even get it up with me without having the need to pop some pills. All the signs were there. I felt something was off. I knew something was off. But when I confronted him he denied. Denied everything and when I asked him if he was gay, he was livid. Angry. Disgusted.
    In all honesty, I can never forgive him. I will never ever forgive him. Ever!
    These people are living a lie. And they need to stop. We need to try and save the other women. The women just like us before it’s too late.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you euphoriciraqsinglemom. I am so sorry for all you are going through. I read your blog. I think it’s great for you to be able to express yourself. I did not see a follow option on your blog site. I think we need to heal ourselves first before we even think about forgiveness. I understand why it is so hard to forgive someone that has brought so much pain with their lies. I hope this never has to happen to another woman.

      Sincerely,
      Debra

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You know Debra, I really think I would be able to forgive him if he came clean about it. I think it’s the type of closure that I’m looking for. Will I ever get it? Nope. I know him too well. And a lot of it is me. I blame myself everyday. Like I said, I saw the signs. But I didn’t believe my instincts. Instead I chose to believe him. I wasted 12 years of my life. And yes I’m blessed with my boys, but it’s still a big chunk of my life that I lived a lie. A big lie. And that’s what gets to me. I take the blame. Will I ever be able to move on? I don’t know. It’s hard to say. And thank you for reading my post. Not sure about the follow option, I think it’s there. I’m Not yet WP savvy 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I felt the same way as you. If he would have been honest I would have had forgiveness, but it’s like you said the honesty was never going to come. I blamed myself as well. We need to forgive ourselves. It takes time to heal from such a betrayal in our own time we all do.

        Sincerely,
        Debra

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Well, I wasted 44 years. I was only 21 and very naive and trusting. I, too, will never forgive my ex unless he confesses what he did to me and confesses all the lies he told to our family. Of course, that will never happen. He’s still in the closet and is a narcissist so it’s hopeless. In my dark times I imagine him getting caught in the act at one of his tearooms and being publicly humiliated. He deserves that. But I’ll have to leave that to karma.
    I do forgive myself for glossing over all the signs and the verbal/emotional abuse. At least, I’m working on it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Anne I feel the same way you do. You spent 44 years in it, that’s twice as long as I did. 44 years is a lifetime. I’ve also imagined my gex getting caught in a men’s bathroom. Ah that would be karma.

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  3. I hate to say that I am glad that anyone else has gone through this, but I so needed to know that I’m not that only one to have a gay husband waste 23+ years of my life. Thank you so much for being here. It helps me to think that if someone else survived this, that maybe, just possibly, I can, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Depending on what generation a man was born and raised in, being clear on one’s sexual orientation and being empowered to live fully as one’s self may not or was not an option. The sea of homophobia that still exist in the world is something we all own a piece of. And the Law of Attraction states clearly that we co-create our experiences.

    ISIS has been pushing gay men off of the top of buildings and drowning them in cages for a few years now. If we have no compassion or look the other way at overt acts of homophobia our spiritual negligence will cause us “harm” at home. Let go. Forgive. Move on. Get a new man. And shut down this blog. You’ll feel better and become more attractive as a result. I promise.

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    1. JA Rogers, while I do feel sympathy for what gay people have been through, and it sickens me to hear ISIS is throwing gay people off of bridges I cannot shut down my blog. My blog is here for the women who have been through years of pain from being lied to about their husbands sexual orientation. While I have moved on with my life I still support the women who have been through this.

      Best Regards,
      Debra

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      1. Debra…..I just discovered your blog 2 days ago. Please DO NOT shut it down! There are so many of us out there living with this pain and having this safe place to share is invaluable . I made my own discovery 6 years ago, and there are a number of circumstances that are keeping me from moving on (but one day I WILL!) As you said, it’s a process. But more on me later…..I’m just grateful to have stumbled across your blog. Some may see it as keeping a wound open, but in “making your mess your message” you help others heal. God bless you…..and God bless our unique sisterhood. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Dear Debra,

    My husband of nearly 20 years passed away just before the holidays. When I finally started cleaning out his clothes and things to donate. I came across some letters he had hidden away that are love letters to him from another man. Now it’s like I’m losing him a second time, or maybe I never really had him to begin with. I have nobody to ask about this or find out if my husband reciprocated this man’s feelings. I thought I was starting to move past the grief from him dying, and then this happened, and now it’s like I don’t even know my own life anymore. I haven’t told anyone what I found and I haven’t asked his family if they know this other man, I don’t even know if I should, or if I should just let this go. How do you move on with your life, I don’t know how to move on now, I don’t even know what I’m moving on from.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Corena,

      I am so sorry to hear you lost your husband. The grief must be overwhelming. First you are grieving from losing your husband of more than 20 years and also grieving because of the letter you found. It is a lot to come to terms with. I would suggest grief counseling. My heart goes out to you.

      Sincerely,
      Debra

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  6. A couple of weeks ago i caught my boyfriend looking at gay porn. I was shocked to put it mildly. He told me to calm down, and said he was only a being a “little curoius”. He told me he loved me, and that i had nothing to worry about. However, i was not convinced by his explanation. Is it normal for straight guys to be “curious” about other men in a sexual way?

    Debbie,
    Australia

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Debbie,

      Straight men do not look at gay porn. Your boyfriend looking at gay porn shows his attraction to men. Men are going to look at what they are attracted to. Some do it in secret. Men struggling with their sexual identity act in secret. Many gay men in the closet will never admit they are gay, even when they are caught red handed. Your boyfriends response that he was only curious is typical of gay men in the closet.

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  7. Please add me to your email list. You write beautifully and from the heart. All the stories resonate with me. Same husband. Same behaviors. Same denial on my part. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the work you are doing to help women like me heal. It is appreciated beyond words

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thanks for this blog, there’s a lot here to think about and learn from.

    My head starts to spin when I think about how to forgive my ex. I try and I want to, but I don’t know how. I think a big part is that I don’t know how to forgive myself either. My husband tried to tell me 3 different times during the first two years of our marriage, but I didn’t believe him because I didn’t want to believe him, I was so in love with him and thought we could make it work. Of course it didn’t, no matter how hard we tried, prayed, we had two kids, but we grew apart and it was like living with a roommate. After 12 years he brought it up again because he had met a man and he wanted out and was not going to be talked out of it or convinced otherwise. I stayed in denial for 12 years after he tried to explain it the first time, because I loved him and didn’t want to let go of him. I don’t know if he was also in denial for all those years too or if he was gritting his teeth and trying to survive, or if he thought he couldn’t ever undo this mistake, or if he just gave up trying to explain things to me, or what.

    I got so mad when he told me about the other man, but he got mad back at me, and reminded me, and said he had tried to tell me before but I just wouldn’t listen to him and let him just talk and say what he needed to say. He’s right, that was definitely part of it, and there were times over the years when I would remembered those early arguments but I shoved them out of my mind. So how to forgive myself too for my own denial, because I think if I could forgive myself I would be able to forgive him too, but where do you even start to do that? I feel so stupid when it was right there from the beginning but I didn’t want to hear it. And it doesn’t feel right to forgive myself but not forgive him too; that doesn’t seem Christian or fair to me; maybe I won’t be able to forgive myself until I forgive him? I get twisted up in knots when I try to think about this. It’s like we both owe each other an apology, but neither of us wants to go first.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank Arowen I’m glad you found the blog helpful. Yes it is hard to forgive ourselves and that’s where we need to start. My gex never tried to tell me, in fact when I found out near the end of our marriage he never spoke to me again. It was easier for him to walk away than to answer the hard questions. He is still lying and has dated women since our divorce. These men sneak around and sleep with men and continue to pretend they are straight exposing women to all kinds of sexually transmitted diseases. If my gex would have been honest it would have helped me with closure and I could forgive him. These days I have worked on me and forgiving myself. It’s been 4 years since my divorce and I have moved on. It was a long slow process to pick myself up after this. Eventually we do find a new and better life. Now it’s hard for me to believe I was ever married to him. We had no children together. I think it’s difficult for women with children because these men are still part of your life. I’ve not heard many stories like yours where the gay husband tries on many occasion to tell his wife. Most of these men are gay in secret they go to great lengths to hide what they are. Even when they are confronted with evidence they deny. They will never admit the truth. If your husband was honest with you this will at least give you closure. Forgive yourself and then you will be able to forgive him.

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  9. Thank you for your reply, Debra. I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t even know how to start forgiving myself, and for what? I mean what did I do wrong, except that I didn’t know what I didn’t understand, but it’s not really my fault that I didn’t understand it. What am I forgiving myself for, if I didn’t do anything wrong? How did you start to forgive yourself, did you talk to a pastor or a counselor first? Did you know what were you forgiving yourself for or did you have to figure it out first? I really go round and round in circles, I don’t think I did anything wrong really, except that I didn’t understand things, and I can’t think my husband did anything wrong either, because he really is a good man and a good father and he did try at first but then I think he just gave up. We are both trying to start over, but it feels unfinished still. It’s like I got punished, but I don’t know what I got punished for. Does that make sense? How did you get started, if you can remember what was the first thing or two that you did to pick yourself up and move again?

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    1. Arowen, we did not do anything wrong. I had to forgive myself for staying with someone who abused me. I should have never allowed myself to be treated the way he treated me. I wasted so many years with him and had much regret for those wasted years. The abuse alone was reason enough to walk away. It’s not our fault they are gay and it’s not their fault either. In my marriage my gex never admitted the truth and kept me confused by his behavior throughout. Things I did to move forward-I stopped waiting on a confession and an apology that was never going to come. No contact with him. If you have children and cannot go no contact make it limited contact, keep it about the children. Know he cannot ease your suffering. I read books on the subject, even books from the gay mans point of view. I realized he could never love me as a wife. They can love you as a family member, but it’s not the kind of love you deserve and need as a wife. The emotional and physical rejection can take a toll on your self esteem. We have to find closure and rebuild our self esteem. I also wrote about my feelings and what I went through. It helps to write it out. I blame my ex husband for being a liar, wasting my years, never coming forward with the truth, and for taking all his frustrations out on me. He intentionally broke me down. It was purposeful, systematic and he seemed to get some kind of enjoyment or power out of it. I had to rediscover myself and who I am. I don’t blame him for problems I had before the marriage. There was something not well with me to stay in the marriage so long. I set out trying to discovery what got me here in the first place. Self discovery I had to learn about myself to avoid any future bad relationships. Learning to have boundaries. What is acceptable to me to live a happy life and what is not. It’s not always easy keeping boundaries people don’t like it when you start saying no to things. No we did not understand what was going on in our marriages. We did not do anything wrong to be forgiven for as far as the marriage goes. As I explained above I had to forgive myself for allowing him to treat me badly. After my marriage was over I saw it all so clearly and I wondered how I missed it. I had to forgive myself for being so blind. I think we need to quit being so hard on ourselves. It’s a long slow process. You have to show yourself patience and kindness.

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  10. Your husband sounds like a monster to intentionally break you down. Good for you for getting out of it. I didn’t have to deal with that, at least I don’t think so. But all of it feels insane. When you started learning about yourself were you seeing a shrink or talking to a priest, or just doing it on your own? Ours is a small town but I think I could find someone at the university, about 30 miles from here if you think a therapist or a shrink helps. My husband said if I would have just let him talk, but he had 12 years to figure out how to talk!!!

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    1. Arowen,

      I was seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist during my marriage of course I had no idea about what I was dealing with. After my divorce I joined a support group for women who are or were unknowingly married to gay men. I have a list of resources on this site. There are a few online support groups. Many women do seek help from their clergy. Many are also seeing counselors, psychiatrist, or psychologist etc. You will need to find someone that understands our issues. Click the resources tab on this blog. I don’t think your husband tried too hard to tell you 12 years is a long time. He is trying to put the blame on you by saying he tried but you did not want to listen.

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