When a person has secrets and is not living honestly they don’t trust and they accuse others of the very thing they are doing. My ex-husband was always accusing others of lying, or calling others dishonest while he was living the biggest lie of all. His guard was always up and he worried so much about what others thought of him. Everything with him was private. I could not have an innocent conversation with family without him critiquing my words if he was mentioned. He could not take criticism, yet he criticized others so often. His judgments were harsh, he did not have the ability to see when you live in a glass house you don’t throw stones.
When you live with a person like this having to watch your every word and your every move out of fear you will say or do the wrong thing, you learn to tip toe. You tread lightly because you don’t want to see that anger. You never know what that anger will lead to. It would get so physical the police were called. He would end up in jail for the night. I would always bail him out and try to drop charges. Police get tired of getting calls to the same house all the time so when they were called one time too many they decided to take us both to jail. So now I had a fear of calling the police during abuse because I did not want to take a chance of going to jail myself.
Once I got out of the marriage it was like coming out of a fog. I was so unaware of the reality of the situation. I felt as though I had been asleep for a very long time. I had an awakening. Upon waking up I could see it all so clearly. I could see all the cheating and the lies. I could see all the things he tried so hard to hide. I became keenly aware of bullshit.
This was not just about my marriage and divorce this was about me waking up. I could see manipulation tactics when people were using underhanded ways in order to get over on someone. I could see when people were playing both sides. I had an awareness of the covert manipulation tactics abusers use.
“Covert emotional manipulation tactics are underhanded methods of control. Emotional manipulation methodically wears down your sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-concept and trust in your own perceptions. At its worse, you can lose all sense of self and your personal values.
One of the first things a manipulator will do early in a relationship is want to know everything about your past, including past sexual experiences. He will home in on any past mistakes and things you feel bad about. You may think this person is truly interested in you and wants to learn all about you. He does want to know all about you and all your weaknesses so he can use them against you later. He will also reveal things about himself and his family early in the relationship these soul bearing sessions are used to create a false sense of intimacy.
In the beginning he will put you up on a pedestal showing you off to family and friends. He is proud to be seen with you. Wanting to spend time with you. An early warning sign is they want you to make all your time available for them. This may feel flattering at first. Being on the receiving end of all that attention feels good. This is the love bombing phase. Look further down the road and all of your family and friends will be phased out of the picture.
Your world becomes small you are now isolated. He has you were he wants you. You are living through cycles of abuse and apologies. You so want to believe him when he says he will change and he is so sorry, he even manages to shed some tears. It doesn’t take long for the physical abuse to begin again and the belittling. He tears you down with verbal assaults that cut deep to the soul. You think if you leave this will teach him you are serious. He needs to change, you cannot live like this any longer. So you leave. After months of his begging and pleading you return. Things are good for awhile. This is the honeymoon phase. It won’t last long, soon he will return to his abusive ways.
While you struggle to reach the pedestal where you were once held. The abuse gets worse. You will never reach that place again. You may be thrown some crumbs every now and then but even those crumbs get less and less. Near the end of the marriage I read a way to test a narcissist when they are hurting and belittling you is to plead with them to stop and to tell them they are hurting you. I tried this and true to narcissist form the abuse got worse. My pleading only seemed to make him feel more powerful.
The narcissist devalues, destroys and discards from a place of insecurity and inferiority. “All cruelty springs from weakness”. ~Lucius Annaeus Seneca
I came out of the fog of abuse to learn my ex-husband is gay. I know there are straight men who abuse women, but I felt like I was abused by him because he is gay. I think he hates women.
Coming out of this marriage I woke up to the truth, I woke up to find me. I was lost for many years. I have hope now for a new and better life. I will never allow anyone to treat me in an abusive way again. I lived somewhere I did not belong for a very long time. I am back where I belong. I am home. God removed that counterfeit from my life and replaced it with the genuine. Where there is love there is life, hope, and happiness.