Eyes Wide Shut by Debra Sutton 

During my marriage to a closeted gay man my eyes were wide shut. Sometimes opening your eyes may be the most painful thing you ever have to do.

One of the things I realized after all the years of lies is once I knew he is gay, I was able to see it all so clearly. All I was unaware of was revealed. It looked innocent enough as we stood in the checkout line of the grocery store. My husband liked to talk and he would engage in small talk with random men everywhere we went. I see it all now, it was never women he engaged in his small talk. He would talk about the weather, a car, a boat. He was checking men out everywhere we went. He flagged young men down as we were driving, getting them to pull over because he wanted to know about their car, what they had under the hood. He invited men to our house to show off his latest toy a new gun, his boat, his latest stereo equipment. I can see now these were all props.

It is not easy waking up to the truth, coming to the realization that my husband of twenty two years was always looking for his next hookup. The fact that I was there in the store with him, or in the truck when he got these men to pull over did not deter him. On one occasion I saw a young man he had pull over to talk about cars, give my husband his phone number. The young man invited him to a swap meet. I wonder what they were swapping. He noticed men he commented on the way they were built. He never noticed women, I thought this was a good thing. I never worried when he stayed out overnight he was with a woman.

Pay attention to who he’s talking to. Is he chatting men up every where you go? Does he notice men? A look, a glance, a stare, a touch on the shoulder. Does he say I love you brother to his acquaintances? Are strange men calling your house to talk about that problem he’s having with that new engine? Is he always leaving the house in search of some random part for his latest project? This random part does not exist and never surfaces.

My husband was always disappearing. I would wake up to find him gone. He always had some lame excuse. He was always out looking for a part for this or that. He had to go to Home Depot in search of? He had to go to the stereo shop to talk to the guys that worked there about? This was not an occasional thing. This was every weekend.

Once I realized my ex-husband is gay my eyes were wide open. I became aware he was always searching for the next hookup. When I realized it was men he was interested in it became clear the random men in line at the store, that gay male check out clerk that seemed to know him was not so innocent after all.

By Debra Sutton


6 thoughts on “Eyes Wide Shut by Debra Sutton 

    1. He had to get upper plate false teeth. He worked out at home off and on, and near the end of the marriage began sun tanning by laying out. He stayed tan from out door activities such as boating and fishing.


  1. Yes, my husband starting obsessing over his weight. Earlier he had started shaving his chest hair, even though I protested and told him I liked it. His clothing changed also and he’d come up with reasons to hang out with guys as much as possible (playing video games, fraternity hangouts, etc.). He also starting growing a beard (pun intended here). He seemed to always be proud to be married and introduced me to as many people as possible. He never left the house without his wedding ring. I was always flattered by that until I realized that he was using me as a “beard.” He wasn’t affectionate at home, I mostly had to initiate sex and even then it was mediocre and he hated performing oral sex. He never wanted to hold hands or kiss unless we were having sex and it was mechanical.

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    1. Still believing in love, there were so many signs I missed during the marriage. It was only in hindsight that I was able to see it all. Once he was no longer around to gaslight and confuse me, my mind began to clear.


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