I Just Found Out My Husband is Gay. How Long Will this Grief Last by Debra Sutton

The goal for Signs of a Gay Husband-Identifying Closeted Gay Husband Behaviors is to empower women to move forward with their lives. Coming to terms with the painful outcome of our marriages we can move forward with grace, love, and dignity. Offering hope to others going through the same experience.

If you are just finding out, in the beginning you will not want to believe it. When I heard my soon to be ex-husband made sexual advances to a man we both know, he denied it and I so wanted to believe him. It took me a year to really accept this. I was in denial.

After my divorce it felt as though I was coming out of a fog. He was no longer around to make me doubt myself. This opened the door for me to examine the marriage. My ex-husband was the push you away, then pull you back type. He had done this throughout our marriage. As our marriage was coming to an end, he was trying to keep the door open. I think he wanted to lure me back, in case his new life did not work out. As I was leaving he said we could get back together in the future, even if there was someone new in my life. The arrogance of his statement is beyond words. When I moved away talking to him on the phone, he asked me to find us an apartment. I told him I would never live with him again. He played so many mind games.

I wanted answers, the answers were not going to come from him. When I questioned him, he broke all contact. I wanted to read all I could about closeted gay husband behaviors. I found out closeted gay men married to women have many behaviors in common. I joined a support group for women who are dealing with these same issues. The women in the group and I had many of the same experiences with our husbands.

It’s only natural as human beings we want to avoid painful situations. There was no way around this. I had to face the painful facts. It took me two years to process a marriage which lasted twenty two years, with so many behaviors that did not make sense at the time. Knowing that he is gay is the only explanation that made any sense. I knew in my heart he is gay, but on another level it was hard to accept. It was hard to see him as a gay man, as he pretended to be straight for so many years. I was finally able to see him as a gay man. Then I felt stupid for not seeing it. I blamed myself for not seeing the obvious.

Acknowledging he is gay replaced all my memories with the truth. He never loved me. I was only a cover. This is why he would disappear, he was going to meet men. This is why he was always on the computer. This is why he was so protective of his privacy. This is why I found gay porn. This is why he had a craigslist account. This is why he was never interested in sex with me. This is why he said he could no longer function sexually. I had many ah ha moments.

We are left to grieve the marriage. We grieve for a husband that never existed. In the beginning while going through this grief you will miss your husband, even if he was unkind. You will miss your home, miss your family, miss your life. Many gay husbands move on without ever admitting they are gay. Some move on into new marriages with women. This will bring up more doubt about yourself and why the marriage did not work out with you. Still struggling with self doubt, you have to know his new relationship is based on a lie, the same as in your marriage. The outcome of this new relationship will not work out any better. Another life ruined, another life destroyed. One day she will join the ranks of the straight wives club. Then you wonder if you should warn her. I can’t answer this one. It is up to each individual. I can only say I wish someone would have warned me.

Many question how long it will take to get over this and finally move on. I have read to give yourself a year for every five years you were married. There is no time limit on grief. Everyone is different. Life situations are different. I can tell you how it has been for me. I was married twenty two years and this January 2016 will mark the four year anniversary of my departure from the marriage. Today I celebrate a new anniversary. As my divorce became final I thought oh give me a year and I will be passed this. Then two years passed, no I was not through the pain of it all. Then one day out of the clear blue I realized I did not care anymore. I did not care if he was with a man or a woman. I no longer needed a confession, or an apology from him. We all come out of this. I would rather live in truth no matter how painful it is to know, understand, and come to terms with. I think it depends on your situation if he admitted he is gay, I think it gives closure, but then you see him move on with a man. If you have children, you still have to see him. Women with children not only hurt for themselves, they hurt for their children too. I think women with children suffer the most. I have grown children, but they are not by my gay ex-husband. My ex-husband and I have not seen or spoken to each other in over three years.

I have read to give yourself a year before dating again. I agree with this and highly recommend it. There are many things I had to learn about myself in this process. Why did I marry a gay man? Why did I marry two abusive men? Why did I seem to attract a certain type? Take this time to learn about yourself. I also found reading and writing helpful. It helped me process the pain. Keep a journal. Learn to love and care for yourself. Many of us straight wives are care givers by nature, we tend to put the needs of others ahead of our own. We can no longer afford to do this. I believe we all move past the pain, coming out of this with a better awareness about ourselves, and what is important in our lives.

There are no set rules on grief. Give yourself all the time you need. Don’t compare your progress to another persons, because every situation is different. I believe these divorces take longer to heal from because of the betrayal and in many cases abuse. This is not a typical divorce where two people grew apart, or could not get along. Join a support group. These women understand like no one else can. They help you work through all the unanswered questions. Most of all be kind and patient with yourself. Know you are not alone.

By Debra Sutton