Do Narcissist Really Hate Women?

Sam Vaknin the Author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited. Mr.Vaknin is a self identified narcissist.

Narcissists are misogynists: they regard women as morally-lax, parasitic, predatory, and out to enslave them.

Narcissists dread intimacy and consider relationships and sex the lowest common denominators which they must avoid in order to maintain their grandiose uniqueness.

By: Sam Vaknin

I read somewhere in your web site that narcissists hate women. Nothing can be further from the truth, from my experience. All the narcissists in my life ADORED women, they were addicted to women, they worshipped women. My ex-husband couldn’t live without women-many women.


Narcissists abhor and dread getting emotionally intimate. The cerebral ones regard sex as a maintenance chore, something they have to do in order to keep their Source of Secondary Narcissistic Supply (spouse or girlfriend). The somatic narcissist treats women as objects and sex as a means of obtaining narcissistic supply. Moreover, many narcissists tend to FRUSTRATE women. They refrain from having sex with them, tease them and then leave them, resist the flirtatious and seductive behaviors of females and so on. Often, they invoke the existence of a girlfriend/fiancée/spouse (or boyfriend/etc. – male and female are interchangeable in my texts) as the “reason” why they cannot have sex or develop a relationship. But this is not out of loyalty and fidelity in the empathic and loving sense. This is because they wish (and often succeed) to sadistically frustrate the interested party. But this pertains only to cerebral narcissists not to somatic narcissists and people who suffer from HPD (Histrionic Personality Disorder). These use their bodies, sexuality, and seduction/flirtation to extract narcissistic supply from others.

Some narcissists are raised by weak or inaccessible mothers and harsh, rigid, or sadistic fathers. They tend to bond with males in male settings (army, sports, police, bodybuilding, the Catholic Church) and to seek empathy, warmth, support, secure friendship, and love among their male peers. This macho bonding masks repressed and latent homosexual tendencies, the result of incestuous or simply pathologically excessive love towards the father (or father figure). Terrified of these homosexual tendencies, these narcissists are besieged by feelings of guilt (towards their mothers with whom they compete for the father’s affection) and inadequacy (they can never quite measure up to the father’s standards). They become extreme and virulent misogynists. By hating women and defying them – they hate and defy life itself (women being the givers of life). They thus deny their effeminate self and exercise their self-destructive impulses.

Narcissists are misogynist. They team up with women as mere sources of SNS (secondary narcissistic supply). The woman’s chores are to accumulate past Narcissistic Supply and release it in an orderly manner, so as to regulate the fluctuating flow of primary supply. In other words, the woman’s chore is to bear witness to the narcissist’s moments of glory and recount them to him when he is down. Otherwise, cerebral narcissists are not interested in women. Most of them are asexual (engage in sexual acts very rarely, if at all). They hold women in contempt and abhor the thought of being really intimate with them. Usually, they choose submissive women, well below their level, to perform the aforementioned functions. This leads to a vicious cycle of neediness, self-contempt (“how come I am dependent on this inferior woman”) and aggression directed at the woman. Hence the abuse.

When primary Narcissistic Supply is available – when the narcissist is the center of attention – the woman in his life is hardly tolerated. The narcissist interacts with her minimally, as one reluctantly pays the premium on an insurance policy. The narcissist does regard the “subjugation” of an attractive woman to be a source of narcissistic supply. It is a status symbol, a proof of virility, and it allows him to engage in “vicarious” narcissistic behaviors (allows him to be his narcissistic self through others, to transform others into tools at the service of his narcissism, into his extensions). This is done by employing defence mechanisms such as projective identification. To reiterate, Primary Narcissistic Supply (NS) is any kind of NS provided by people who are not “meaningful” or “significant” others. Adulation, attention, affirmation, fame, notoriety, sexual conquests – are all forms of Primary NS. Secondary NS emanates from people who are in constant and repetitive touch with the narcissist. It includes the important roles of narcissistic accumulation and narcissistic regulation, among others.

The narcissist believes that being in love IS actually going through the motions and pretending. To him, emotions are mimicry and pretence. He says: “I am a conscious misogynist. I fear and loathe women and tend to ignore them to the best of my ability. To me they are a mixture of hunter and parasite.” Most male Narcissists are misogynists. After all, they are the warped creations of women. Women gave birth to them and molded them into what they are:dysfunctional, maladaptive, emotionally dead. They are angry at their mothers and, by extension, mad at all women. The narcissist’s attitude to women is, naturally, complex and multi-layered but it revolves around four axes:

1. The Holy Whore
2. The Hunter Parasite
3. The Frustrating Object of Desire
4. Uniqueness Roles


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