Learning To Accept An Apology You Never Got! By Debra Sutton

While I can see at least at the beginning of a marriage some closeted gay husbands were confused about their sexuality. Maybe they thought because they could perform with a woman they were bisexual. While many want the wife and kids to show the world they are straight. They do keep men on the side. At some point they know they are gay. Once they realize they are gay some perhaps when they fall in love with a man. Some do tell their wives, but many want to move on without disclosure. They make excuses “well the marriage would have ended anyway” all she ever did was nag. They make any and every excuse not to tell their wife the truth. I believe they want to keep the wife hanging on to hope for the marriage just in case their new life doesn’t work out.

These men will never take responsibility for the harm they have caused others. They will blame society, and their own confusion about their sexuality. They will claim they did not realize they are gay, even though they are having sex with men.

The wives are blamed for the breakup of the marriage as if she hasn’t suffered enough. Some closeted gay husbands when caught may admit to what you know, only to take it back later or claim they never said it in the first place. They will keep you confused if it serves them to hold on to the marriage. In most cases these marriages don’t last but a couple of years after disclosure.

Many closeted gay husbands will never see the harm they cause others. They think they sacrificed their years for their families. While I cannot speak for all gay husbands because some want to do the right thing. I am only speaking from my own experience.

I have written about closeted gay husbands in my book, and on my blog. I made a list of common gay husband behaviors. Example 1.) He never kisses. Now most people know that one thing alone does not make a husband gay, but when you put all these behaviors together I think it gives an accurate depiction of the truth.

My gay ex husband was physically and verbally abusive. I know that does not mean every gay husband is abusive. I also know straight men can be abusive. When you put all this together with all the anger and blame that is put on the wife. I feel it is another behavior of a closeted gay husband. I cannot say that all straight wives are physically abused, but many have suffered some type of abuse.  It may be physical, verbal, or emotional, as years of lying, cheating, and deception take an emotional toll on most straight wives.

Many of these men get caught when their wives find gay porn on the computer, find their husbands Craigslist account, or their husbands bring home a sexually transmitted disease. Some do try to remain in these marriages bargaining with their husbands. These men bring their wives into their closet. They want their cake and eat it too.

There are those who believe they have done nothing wrong. They say the straight wife is not the injured party and they have done nothing to be forgiven for. We will never get so much as an apology from these men. We must learn to accept the apology we never got and move on. After my divorce I spent some years waiting on an apology that was never going to come. When I read online some of the postings of these men, I realize in their minds they have done nothing wrong. While most people don’t think or behave like this. This is the way some of our ex husbands think. Don’t get trapped into thinking you can appeal to their good side and suddenly they will see the error of their ways. This side never really existed. I spent these last few years realizing how very little I really knew about my gay ex husband. We have to move on in our own light and truth forgiving ourselves for not knowing.


8 thoughts on “Learning To Accept An Apology You Never Got! By Debra Sutton

  1. Yes, Debra. I agree about it needing to be a criminal offence. It’s worse than bigamy I’d say and is comparable to many crimes – the deception, the fraud, the trickery. The sex they have with you is a kind of rape or at least a violation – as you’ve been tricked into something you never would have agreed to if you’d known they were gay. And it takes from you all your sexual esteem. Also tricked into reproduction – that should be made a crime. And brainwashed into thinking you were somehow inadequate – why didn’t they kiss you any more? Did your breath smell all of a sudden? Why didn’t they ever initiate sex? Why did they speak to you in such a hateful way? Why didn’t they want you to come with them to help on a job in the afternoon? (I was really upset a few years ago when he wouldn’t let me come and help on a job – I thought he must really dislike my company – in fact, it was in the afternoons when he was meeting men for his anal and oral).
    As he stole 20 years of my life, I’d like him to be serve at least 10 years in jail. 10 years deprived of his liberty – as he may have given me a life sentence – I still don’t think I’ll ever get over it. Instead he will probably gradually emerge from his closet – the one I forced him out of and which he never would have left willingly and there will be the usual nauseating celebration of the ‘brave gay man.’ Brave, my arse. Cowardly is the word for him.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Becky, I agree with you. Twenty two years stolen from me. I wish there were laws against these frauds. I don’t even think the new gay marriage laws are going to help, as these cowards will continue to marry straight women. Of course there are out gay men who I do not put into the same category, they would never think of marrying a woman.


  2. After my own heart wrenching experience with my gay husband (now ex-husband), i am so glad i found this blog! Thank you Debrah for providing women like me with so much insightful information, and support.

    My ex-husband was a sociopath. To others he was the most charming and fun gentleman you could think of, but to me he was cold as ice. I was the one who bore the brunt of his anger and resentment.

    Now i am finally free, and i feel so happier. The years he stole from me i can never get back, but i will live the rest of my life to the fullest. Finding joy in the small things of life gives me comfort and strength.

    Kind regards
    Karin, Germany

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words Karin. I know exactly how you feel about wanting to live life to the fullest after the years that were stolen. I am doing the same, appreciating the small every day moments. Counting my blessings. I am happy to be free and I know you are too.


  3. Thank you so much for your information. It sure does fit the marriage I was in for 37 years. Now struggling to deal with it all this past year. Your articles have helped me immensely coming to terms of knowing What Is. God Bless You.

    Liked by 1 person

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