Coming Out of a False Reality by Debra Sutton

If you are graced with love of truth, everything is possible. But if your fundamental sense of reality is flawed, nothing you can do will bring about change. You can put pearls on a pig but you can’t stop it from squealing….Adyashanti

Everyday when we were living in darkness of the lie that encompassed our gay husbands, our lives were effected to the point that we were not flourishing and growing as human beings are meant to grow. This was not our lie, but it effected us as well. We as wives were not loved and cherished as we were meant to be loved and cherished.

Once we learn the truth our lives are opened up to new possibilities for learning and growing as individuals. Discovering our own self worth. Finding happiness in our own lives within ourselves. If we are always looking for others to make us happy, for others to fill the void, we will never find happiness. If we are waiting for this to happen, or that to happen before we can be happy, we miss the happiness that stands before us. Let’s not miss out on the happiness that begins today.

Life may not have turned out as we expected. No this was not our fault, and we must grieve our loses, but let us not remain in them indefinitely. This is a new opportunity for growth and happiness as we find our way in truth. We are no longer in the darkness that held us for so long. This opens up new possibilities for us as we find our way. We get to know ourselves and as we are finding out what makes us happy we come to realize our own self worth. We start to form boundaries for ourselves as we are learning our needs are important. As layer after layer reveals ourselves, we are all finding our way to new hope and happiness.

We reach a point that this bad experience as horrible as it may be, no longer defines who we are. We begin to put the past behind us. We will never forget this, but it is no longer serves us to remain in the darkness of what this relationship was. As we begin to accept our loses new hope emerges, bringing us out of the darkness and into the light.

I realize everyone is in different phases of the recovery process as you move through the phases of grief. There is no time limit on grief and grief is something we all must go through. There is no way around it. I want to offer hope to those who are still in the early phases of grief, as I know how painful this is. We all find our way.

Going through the process of grief one of the first things I wanted to do was to learn why I had been in two marriages that were both abusive. What attracted me to abusive men and what attracted them to me. I find that many of us are caretakers, we are very giving and one key thing I learned is that we tend to put our needs on the back burner for others. I knew that I needed to start taking better care of myself and my own needs. How can we serve others if we are selves are suffering from burn out. While you are going through the process of grief, you can take this opportunity to learn about yourself. You can take this time to start taking better care of yourself and your needs.

Then new interest start to emerge. Many of us will begin new career paths. Some go back to school. I got stuck in isolation and I wanted to come out of this, but did not know where to begin. I did begin an online class for a victims advocacy program for Americans with disabilities. Many straight wives suffer from battered women’s syndrome, post traumatic stress disorder, and depression while having to go to court for divorce, child custody, or home foreclosure. Having an advocate along with an attorney can be very helpful to those suffering from hidden disabilities.

I have been divorced three years now and still find myself isolated. I have not wanted to date. It’s so hard to trust again. It’s hard to trust others and my own judgement. This has been one of the hardest things I have gone through in life. The grief is much like the death of a loved one. Realizing the person you are grieving never existed. It makes you wonder what was real. My past memories with this person were erased and replaced with the truth. As painful as all this was I would rather know the truth than to continue in the lie of the closeted gay husband.


2 thoughts on “Coming Out of a False Reality by Debra Sutton

  1. Hi Debra.
    I see myself as still in the early stages. I found out 14 months ago (he admitted he never would have told me). My 15-year old daughter discovered the sickening truth on his mobile ‘phone. She had been watching the series ‘Breaking Bad,’ and in that the character ‘Walter White’ is producing crystal meth behind his wife’s back. In the end she discovers ‘the second ‘phone.’ Inspired by this my daughter checked his bag and found a second ‘phone. His main mobile had had gay popups and open tabs on gay men; the second one had texts talking about actual ‘hook ups.’ If she hadn’t taken the initiative I would still be in that dark place.
    Although I made him move out 11 months ago, relations remained generally cordial so that we could run our business. He also painted a picture of himself as lonely, so I let him have one of our dogs – he had always been against us getting a dog for the children and I had had to battle and battle to get him to agree to it 5 years ago. I thought that although he must be screwing lots of men, it was a cold existence and so I would let him have the dog most of the time for company. We still had the second dog I got the week after discovering the LIE (as I could then please myself).
    Fast forward to now. Two days ago I had dropped my daughter off at work and was having coffee in a cafe when my mobile rang. It was him. I answered and he didn’t reply. He had rung by accident! Always a fool with technology. And I could hear the chatty sound of a cafe and him talking to someone. He was very at ease with the person, and then I heard him calling the man ‘Bubs,’ ‘Bub’, ‘Babe’ and ‘Baby.’ I was shaking. He was doing a crossword (something that had always been part of our cafe routine) and I listened for 11 minutes until the ‘phone suddenly cut off, casually taking notes (!). I was shaking. In 11 minutes he used more terms of endearment than he had used towards me for years. The bastard should always have been with a man. Instead he twisted himself into a monster and came to live with me.
    Needless to say I found my rage and texted him some choice words (including the words ‘self-centred’, ‘complete bastard,’ ‘narcissist and a*rsehole’, ‘lying, cheating..’ you get the picture. He even had the audacity to text back ‘I apologise for the accidental call.’ I texted back: ‘What about apologising for stealing 20 years of my life?’ He then gave me crap about feeling terrible about it. He had sounded so relaxed and happy – it’s sickening to me, Debra, as I, like you, am not sure if I will ever have a ‘date’ or be with a man again. These men pollute our souls and attack our sexuality and sexual esteem until they (nearly) kill it off. And he just waltzes off. Mind, he clearly isn’t choosy and the man/boy sounded either thick (sorry if that’s offensive) or young, as he had to explain what words like ‘covet’ and ‘witticism’ meant, whilst doing the crossword.
    But it has helped me move on to another stage – I told him he is not to come to my ‘home’ under any circumstances, when he was still popping by unannounced sometimes and letting himself in and calling out ‘anyone in’ and hovering as though it was my job to get him a cup of tea (and sometimes I did!). I need to get the locks changed. I am also worried the boyfriend may try and get his hands on our money which is still jointly held, so I have a few things to think about. I told my mother what my daughter had said upon hearing of the boyfriend: ‘How can anyone go with him? He’s so ugly.’ I’d said, ‘it’s his money.’ My mother added: ‘and the man wouldn’t care about his face. That’s not bit they’re interested in, if you get my drift.’
    But it has clarified that I will continue my quest to see less and less of that toxic, polluted, evil, self-serving, false ‘bad person,’ as my daughter succinctly puts it.
    (you can see I’m not ‘over it’ yet!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Becky,

      It takes longer than I imagined to heal from this. These men coming out late life are like a kid in a candy store, by the this time they have already been with hundreds of nameless faces. You must protect yourself financially, once another man enters the picture this will be all he cares about. Go to the doctor for a checkup and consult with an attorney. You spent a lot of years with this man, but you will find you never knew him. Protect yourself and your children’s future. It’s great that you started to form boundaries with him not letting him come and go in your home as he pleases. These men know how to manipulate, they know you have a good heart. My heart goes out to you and all you are going through. I know that phone call had to be hard to hear, but as hard as it was it gave you insight. Sending Hugs xoxoxo


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