If you are graced with love of truth, everything is possible. But if your fundamental sense of reality is flawed, nothing you can do will bring about change. You can put pearls on a pig but you can’t stop it from squealing….Adyashanti
Everyday when we were living in darkness of the lie that encompassed our gay husbands, our lives were effected to the point that we were not flourishing and growing as human beings are meant to grow. This was not our lie, but it effected us as well. We as wives were not loved and cherished as we were meant to be loved and cherished.
Once we learn the truth our lives are opened up to new possibilities for learning and growing as individuals. Discovering our own self worth. Finding happiness in our own lives within ourselves. If we are always looking for others to make us happy, for others to fill the void, we will never find happiness. If we are waiting for this to happen, or that to happen before we can be happy, we miss the happiness that stands before us. Let’s not miss out on the happiness that begins today.
Life may not have turned out as we expected. No this was not our fault, and we must grieve our loses, but let us not remain in them indefinitely. This is a new opportunity for growth and happiness as we find our way in truth. We are no longer in the darkness that held us for so long. This opens up new possibilities for us as we find our way. We get to know ourselves and as we are finding out what makes us happy we come to realize our own self worth. We start to form boundaries for ourselves as we are learning our needs are important. As layer after layer reveals ourselves, we are all finding our way to new hope and happiness.
We reach a point that this bad experience as horrible as it may be, no longer defines who we are. We begin to put the past behind us. We will never forget this, but it is no longer serves us to remain in the darkness of what this relationship was. As we begin to accept our loses new hope emerges, bringing us out of the darkness and into the light.
I realize everyone is in different phases of the recovery process as you move through the phases of grief. There is no time limit on grief and grief is something we all must go through. There is no way around it. I want to offer hope to those who are still in the early phases of grief, as I know how painful this is. We all find our way.
Going through the process of grief one of the first things I wanted to do was to learn why I had been in two marriages that were both abusive. What attracted me to abusive men and what attracted them to me. I find that many of us are caretakers, we are very giving and one key thing I learned is that we tend to put our needs on the back burner for others. I knew that I needed to start taking better care of myself and my own needs. How can we serve others if we are selves are suffering from burn out. While you are going through the process of grief, you can take this opportunity to learn about yourself. You can take this time to start taking better care of yourself and your needs.
Then new interest start to emerge. Many of us will begin new career paths. Some go back to school. I got stuck in isolation and I wanted to come out of this, but did not know where to begin. I did begin an online class for a victims advocacy program for Americans with disabilities. Many straight wives suffer from battered women’s syndrome, post traumatic stress disorder, and depression while having to go to court for divorce, child custody, or home foreclosure. Having an advocate along with an attorney can be very helpful to those suffering from hidden disabilities.
I have been divorced three years now and still find myself isolated. I have not wanted to date. It’s so hard to trust again. It’s hard to trust others and my own judgement. This has been one of the hardest things I have gone through in life. The grief is much like the death of a loved one. Realizing the person you are grieving never existed. It makes you wonder what was real. My past memories with this person were erased and replaced with the truth. As painful as all this was I would rather know the truth than to continue in the lie of the closeted gay husband.