Repressed Homosexuality by Debra Sutton


Image By Oliver Manuel

Repressed Homosexuality can lead to abuse when a gay man targets and marries a straight woman. The gay husband suffers from shame, denial, and repression of his true sexual identity. Most gay men who marry will never admit they are gay. Repression can lead to impotence with women. You may find yourself in therapy, marriage counseling, and your husband is having his testosterone levels checked. It is common for closeted gay husbands to suffer from guilt and self loathing, as his same-sex attractions continue. They are angry and resentful. You will never be able to do anything right in their eyes. You are confused. You tried to help as they suffer from depression,alcoholism, or both. The doctor changes or adjusts their antidepressants. Nothing works. They may have legal problems due to alcohol and drugs, this leads to more depression. The wife will also start to suffer from depression. Her psychiatrist will prescribe antidepressants and maybe some tranquilizers. Her confusion continues as she tries to make sense of this marriage. The women who marry these men are the most giving, and forgiving women. They have the biggest hearts.

These men who hate themselves, have nothing to offer in this fraudulent marriage. The wife becomes the target of all of his anger. My gay ex told me I was the closest one to him. He told me this is why I was on the receiving end of his anger, Lucky me! He lacks empathy, because he is so full of his own pain. He simply does not have room to care for you. He will intentionally cause you pain, he also seems to take some pleasure in this. This is because he resents you. His fear and shame prevent him from living an authentic life. He feels pressure to appear straight, what he feels the norms of society expects, this is why he marries. There is more to this, something in his core is disgusted by what he is. He is not comfortable in his own skin. He grows to resent the marriage. He wants to be free after many years of denying his true self. These men move on so easily after the marriage ends. They may have feelings for you like a friend or family member, but they were never in love with you. They feel relief when the marriage ends. The wife did not know her husband is gay, she was in love with her husband. She wanted her marriage to work. She is devastated.

The wife of a closeted gay husband goes through so much to put her life back together after the marriage ends. Many of these women suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. She blames herself for not knowing, and for the abuse she put up with. She thinks something is wrong with her. She has been stripped to the core by a gay man who never loved her. She feels used. She cannot trust her own judgment, or anyone for that matter. Her emotions and sexual feelings shut down, and she wonders if they will ever return. Sadly these men have told their wives, they are crazy. They have been gas-lighting their wives for years, in an attempt to throw her off the trail of truth. Many women find out by accident. They find gay porn on the computer, or receive a strange phone call, or text message. The gay husband will blame the wife, or the children. If he is caught red-handed, he will only admit to what you know. He will say he never acted on his same-sex attraction. He was just curious. These gay/straight marriages become sexless. The closeted gay husband has been actively seeking sex with men throughout the marriage. As he ages it becomes harder and harder for him to deny his same-sex attraction. The gay husband wants, needs, and craves a man. He needs this connection that you his wife cannot give him. While the wife shuts down sexually, the gay husband never denied himself sex with men. Some gay husbands may admit to being gay, or bisexual after being caught, only to take it back later, or deny ever saying this in the first place. It can take many years for the closeted gay husband to come to terms with his sexuality. Some never do. They use the fact they are married to a woman, or have children to tell themselves they cannot be gay.

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73 thoughts on “Repressed Homosexuality by Debra Sutton

  1. Works both ways- the husband of a repressed lesbian goes through the exact same emotional trauma. I know, I am one. And I’m not alone. Visit the Straight Spouse Network for more information.

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    1. Its as if you have given me the missing puzzle piece. Every once in a while Id think my hub was gay or bi but he is very repressed. Well, he’s 55 now, married 25 years, he had major ED and testosterone issues, an affair with a woman (manly woman) and all sorts of stuff came out from that–he wanted me to suddenly become polyamory-now we are divorcing and he refuses therapy, doesn’t mind throwing away his whole family to search for his own “identity” and is also extremely angry at me and trying to hurt me financially. I did nothing wrong except for love him and cherish him. He wants to be my “friend” but not my husband. He’s also a narcissist and prob BPD. So here I am absolutely devastated. Will he ever admit he’s gay? I doubt it but I don’t care any longer, I just want to start living an authentic life.

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      1. I doubt if he will ever admit he’s gay, mine never did. Great that you want to start living an authentic life. It’s the only way to happiness. I can’t remember being happy living in the confusion of a closeted gay husband. Much happiness to you and your new future.

        Best Regards,
        Debra

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  2. It’s still a crudely shocking and horrific experience – the discovery that my husband has same sex attraction and had an obsession with his desires for men. After building a lifetime of family years together (including enduring times of his mean-spiritedness and years of constant sexual rejection), it’s unfathomable to discover the blatant truth. All along what he really wanted was another man’s penis!

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    1. Yes Anne it is shocking and horrific. It is a soul crushing experience. I have not seen or talked to my gay ex in two and a half years. Once i realized the truth, he broke all contact with me. This no contact was good for my healing. We did not have children together. I know when you have children you still have communication for the children. It takes awhile to heal from all this. We will get there one step at a time.

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    2. Anne I highly recommend you contact the Straight Spouse Network, they literally saved my sanity. Last May 1st my wife admitted to being in love with a woman. May 19th was my 30th anniversary. June 3rd it was “I’m gay”. No one could have prepared me for the devestation that came from that 5 week period. I had all the elements you discribed in my marriage as well. Then the revelation that she had been forming these “strong emotional relationships” since age 13. How does a person not know that their continued attraction to the same sex prevents them from having a loving relationship with the other sex? For more than 40 years?

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      1. Thank you Tim. Yes Anne please don’t try to go through this alone. I have a link to the straight spouse network along with other support under a post called Resources For The Straight Spouse.

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      2. Tim you were married forty years? I know how devastating this is. I know you have been through a lot of pain. It is hard moving on when you have spent so much of your life with this person. Then realizing you never really knew them. It is so devastating. These marriages are so destructive to the straight spouse. Soul Shattering.

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      3. No Debra, I was married for 30 at discovery. My wife, though, had these “intense emotional relationships” starting at age 13. It wasn’t until she was 54, when I asked her if she was a repressed lesbian based on some of her more eggregious recent actions, that she recognized that she had a SSA. How someone could live and not know for over 40 years is beyond me. She had 5 of these relationships by age 30, but they all lasted two years or less. This one has been going on for more than five years. That’s why, for the first time in my life, I started therapy. That and the folks from SSN saved my sanity and put me on a road to doing for me. My therapist, without ever meeting my wife, figured her out after one session. And it’s that understanding, along with the support from other people in the same situation, that has brought me back from the brink.

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      4. Tim 30 years is a long time. I imagine it can feel very isolating for a man going through this. I’m glad you found a support group. We stop doing for ourselves in these marriages, when they end we do have to learn to take care of ourselves. Tim are the behaviors much the same for the closeted women as they are the closeted men? Can the women be physically and emotionally abusive to their spouses?

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      5. In my case physically is not possible – I’m 5’11” and she’s 4’11” and half my weight, literally. Emotionally is a different story. The list is endless and since I’ve talked to so many str8s I’ve discovered the emotional abuse is very similar. The self-centeredness is endemic among in-denial people. The gas-lighting. The mood swings. The changing of history (I never said that – yes, you did. I have a post-graduate degree in science; my memory is extremely sharp.) The sexual rejection for years. The wanting the children to love her and thus abdicating her share of the parenting and just always saying “yes dear” and letting them manipulate her. And forcing me to be the disciplinarian, “bad cop” parent. The list is endless.
        We just didn’t know those were the signs of a relationship where one partner did not recognize their own SSA. It is a long story. And one who’s ending isn’t written yet. We are still married. It is not the same marriage. She is distancing herself from her friend and trying to rekindle our relationship. She has only three options – go lesbian (a thought she abhors due to her upbringing), live heavily medicated alone, or return to living a str8 life by removing herself from the relationship and rejecting her SSA.
        Yes, she chose a life of denial.

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      6. Debra the emotional abuse is what keeps you awake at night wondering. The physical rejection is temporary. The damage to your psyche is what gnaws at you constantly.
        Thank you for helping to make sure people realize they are not alone and there is help available. That’s important.

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  3. This is all so true, and so sad at the same time. And the only question i keep asking myself over and over again is WHY? How is it possible to live so many years of your life without being true to yourself? How can you be happy if your life is not authentic? I dont understand, and i never think i will.

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    1. Sarah it is all so sad. It is hard to imagine that a person would live this lie for so many years. They can never have an authentic life. Living this lie only brings pain to themselves and others. They are not able to see the pain they bring to others, because they are so caught up in living this lie.

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  4. My name is David and after 24 years of marriage and guilt, I was forced to come out after an HIV test showed positive. I am lucky that I didn’t infect anyone else with this ghastly virus, but that in truth makes no difference. I try to think that I am / was bisexual, though in truth I am confused, humiliated, ashamed and horrified. Divorced I have lost everything, home, friends, family and I have to work out ” what next”.

    I read your piece and yes my ex wife feels just like you say. My daughter angry and unable to forgive, but relived the trauma I caused can have closure for my ex wife in some way. You allude to the false feelings of love and friendship that in truth were in my mind more real. They are still! Sexuality is not always black and white, sometimes grey.

    To say I wanted to find peace and fellowship, truly is just I guess utterly selfish, when put into the abuse of another lovely person in part by me not having the guts to be honest. I now understand that I had no human right to deny another person the choice of a marriage based on equal feelings, devotion and love.

    I choose to seek out gay liaisons when my son died tragically. Though I in truth never truly felt comfortable and fulfilled. Events just forced me to find an escape from the hurt. This doesn’t make it right or justify 20 years of deceit, anger and the total demolition of a truly wonderful loving wife.

    David.

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    1. David my heart goes out to you. You finally did tell your wife the truth. The only reason I felt my ex husbands feelings were not real toward me, not even in friendship is because he never admitted to me and when I questioned him he broke all contact with me after 22 years of marriage. I know he was never in love with me, because he loves men, but thought we were friends. My ex husband was cruel abusive both verbally and physically. I did not know were all the anger was coming from. I do believe closeted gay men do love their wives, but like a family member. At least your wife and children know the truth, this will help with their own healing and I do believe they will eventually come around, after they work through all this. You are the only father they are ever going to have they will reach acceptance. We go through the stages of grief when we find out finally reaching acceptance
      I don’t believe all ex gay husbands are like my ex. If he ever had the courage to tell me, after my initial shock I would have shown compassion. He cannot help it that he is gay, who would choose this? No one would choose this. It is not a choice. I loved my husband and that love did not stop because he is gay. If he could have been honest so we could have discussed this. He could have listened to my side, how I felt, i have no doubt we would still be friends today. Many husbands and wives go on remaining friends especially when there are children involved.
      I’m sorry you have HIV, there are better treatments today and people can still live long fulfilling lives. Sleeping around with many different partners will not bring you peace. Find one person to settle down with. Stop beating up on yourself. Do right by your ex wife and children. In other words get your life together first for yourself so that you can find that one relationship, so you can be a good father, and a good ex husband. As you and wife coparent, you will find the friendship that still exists between you.
      For me it hurt to know my ex was never in love with me, and I do know he did have love for me as a family member, but families don’t write each other off, the way he did me. Maybe he was too afraid to face me after I found out. I wrote him once from a Facebook account to tell him my mother was dying. He deleted and blocked me, never offering a condolence. Things like this made me feel like we were never friends. I would have been there for him.
      Don’t look for temporary false escapes in the end they only bring us pain.
      I hope you find peace,
      Sincerely,
      Debra

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  5. Debra, my husband was much like yours. We were married for 38 years and together for 42 years. He has never admitted to being gay and I don’t think he ever will. He just told me one day that he didn’t love me and never had. I was so stunned, I had a heart attack. It’s called broken heart syndrome. So I find myself at 66 alone. He cut off all contact with me. We had a wonderful family which is now broken. Three adult children and six grandchildren. He has been gone a year now and has never asked the kids how I am doing. It’s like I never existed. I know I should be doing better by now, but I’m not. My love for him was real even though he was often cruel to me. Thing are strained with my children as they think I should just get over it. I have become a burden to them. No one seems to understand that he had years to prepare and it was sprung on me. I do find comfort in the stra8 spouse network, but have yet to find a good therapist. I know I need one. I’ve been to three different ones, and they just don’t GET it. Thanks of letting me vent here.

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    1. Dear Judy,

      You are welcome to vent here anytime. I do understand completely. I’ve been divorced 3 years now. It does take time to heal from the shock of it all. I was married 22 years, he suddenly wanted out of our marriage to go find himself he said. He told his mother he was not in love with me. The next thing I knew I was on a plane leaving my home and all my belongings behind. I was not given the time I needed to get my belongings. Once I got to my home state of Texas we were still talking on the phone, when I heard he made sexual advances to a man I know. When I questioned him he broke all contact with me. Of course I had other reasons to know he is gay, one being the gay porn I found on the computer. When he made sexual advances to the man I know I just wasn’t able to deny it anymore as much as I did not want to believe it. Judy I am 59 years old and I know it’s not easy starting over at our age, but we can do this. Take all the time you need to grieve there is no time limit. I know family does not always understand. I’m glad you are part of the stra8 spouse network. I do believe therapy will help you too. The grief can get so bad at times it feels like it gets worse instead of better, just know that with each passing day it is a step forward. I read about the stages of grief this helped me know where I was in the healing and recovery process. I want to offer you hope in knowing that it does get better.

      Sincerely,
      Debra

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      1. These men are criminals. If a man marries you for a green card, it is fraud and he is charged with a crime. I believe the same thing should happen to these men and women who abuse their straight spouses by denying them the truth about their sexuality. It is also fraud. I am appalled our justice system has not sent these people to jail. They do harm to their straight spouses mental, physical, and financial state for years, and most importantly take away the straight spouses choice to make an informed decision about sex, marriage, children, and their own life. How is this different than rape and domestic abuse of the worst kind? Everyone blows it off because they are gay. And, love is love? Well, Love would have told their straight friend and partner the truth from the beginning and let the straight spouse make their own decision about who they marry. Love is honest, not deceptive. The lack of legal justice and human empathy for the straight spouse’s victimization is truly pathetic on many levels.

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      2. These men are criminals. I wish there were laws to protect us against these frauds. Laws that would prosecute these men for marrying unsuspecting women from these perpetrators. Any man who lies about his sexual identity and marries a woman is a criminal, but until the laws change this will continue to happen to unsuspecting woman, who are kept in the dark about these gay husbands.

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  6. Hi Debra,
    I appreciate your post. Maybe you could give me some insight.

    My father is a repressed homosexual and after finding several pieces of evidence on his laptop/phone, he is denying it. He travels often for work and we found several craigslist ads and responses from him all towards younger “twinks.” Based on his craigslist emails, he is only interested in younger men, he even contacts straight men and says things like “Please do not be offended, i am a straight married man, but I wanted to reach out and see if you would be interested in massages, handjobs, blowjobs etc. I will do all the work, I’m 420 friendly, you could bring a girl if you would like… etc etc.” Obviously it being my dad, it is very awkward for me to relive what he had wrote. He wrote several ads and responded to several ads from all over. He obviously had meetups while he was hosting conferences at hotels in different cities all over. He lies about his age, his weight, his body type. Its all just ridiculous. Furthermore, for the past year he has become abnormally close with a 22 year old tennis player he met at a tennis tournament. They hang out every day and talk all the time (i work with my dad so I see him on his phone all day and I see who it is he is texting with non stop). The relationship is very inappropriate to me, as i watch my dad suddenly taking “selfies” and texts and pics all day to this kid. My 55 year old dad has recently become super involved in social media so he can stay in contact with this kid, and they constantly “like” each others photos. My family has all been questioning this relationship, but my dad has been defending it saying that it is a “father son-type relationship,” and that he is mentoring the kid. Then recently we found naked pictures of the kid on my dads comp. He made up some lie about that to my mom too. My dad freaked out when we found the pics of the Carl (the 22 yer old tennis player). My dad was more concerned with protecting Carl, than anything else. He started asking all of us to promise not to tell carl we saw the pics, and he made up 3 different lies about why he had these pictures (1 lie to my mom, 1 lie to me, and 1 lie to my brother) I am just so confused and I do not know why my mom is believing all of his lies! I am so lost and could use any guidance I can find. After my mother and I found all of this about him he says he is not a homosexual and says it was a dark time, that he “might be bi sexual,” that he is “addicted to internet and meetups,” but he has not been acting on anything lately. He has been caught in so many lies, and he has been able to weasel his way out with ridiculous excuses. He says he does not want to do it anymore is and he is going to counseling etc. My mother is buying into everything he says. She thinks he is not homosexual, he is bi, he is a sex addict and has a problem, and his problem can be resolved with therapy. Is it just me, or is this all crazy? He can not be fixed, he is lying and the behavior is going to continue. He is lying to my mother himself and my whole family and i do not know what to do about it, because everyone believes his lies. He is manipulative, smart and narcissitic and his a degree inpsychiatry and knows how to use it to his advantage. My mom has a very big support system, two sisters, and three children that love her more than words. She is a kind hearted, very religious woman, who believes that she needs to stay by her husband because that is what God would want. How do I get them both to be honest with themselves and get past this?

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    1. Dear Vee, I am sorry for all the confusion you are going through. I know it has to be painful working with your Dad and being a witness to his behavior and lies. Your mother most likely is in her own denial. Many gay men claim to be bisexual before coming out as gay. This may be a step in the coming out process. Hopefully your Dad will come out and put all these lies to rest. This will be a very hard time for your mother. Your fathers behavior will not change. The only thing you can do is be there to support your mother. Hopefully she will eventually see the light and start coming to terms with this.

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  7. I have been married 2 years now and am so sad, I think my husband is repressed, I feel I am in denial. In the beginning of the relationship he was so passionate towards me. So I fell in love. By month 3 he started to reject me sexually making excuses to why he did not want me. He never trys to iniciate love making and when we try I notice he does not get an erection easily and that makes me feel undesired, I tell him how this hurts me and he flys off the handle and says i am judging him then storms off. This happen often. Then other times he wants to be with me and all is good. It is effecting me mentally though because i can’t have an orgasm any more. I feel suspisious of him. Also he has said to me that I am a nympho and what it all the time and that he does it to keep the peace. He is slighty effeminate i notice and has a slight lisp. He has a masuline job as a welder. I feel it’s all coming to an end because I am so sad. Would you say he is possibly repressed? Please help, I am heartbroken and cry a lot. We had a honeymoon and i was devastated because I bought 3 sexy outfits to wear and he had to muster up an erection. I spent time crying in the bathroom and we fought so much. Worst experience of all. Thank you for listening. I hope to hear back from you soon.

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    1. Mary,

      I am so sorry for what you are feeling. I know it is painful. There are closeted gay husbands who tell their wives they are oversexed. Please know these are excuses to avoid sex, and to turn it around on you making it your problem not his. I know it is so hard not to take the rejection personally. These relationships tear away at a woman’s self esteem.

      You know him and your gut instincts are trying to tell you something. Listen to your gut. He does show some of the classic signs of a closeted gay husband from what you describe. He may be in denial about his own sexuality.

      Most gay husbands will never confess, or admit they are gay. You have to decide if you want to stay in a relationship that is causing so much pain. Gay or not the relationship is still one that is bringing you pain. You have to decide what is best for you, how much you are willing to take.

      Big Hugs,
      Debra

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      1. Yes I understand totally what you are saying. I went through the same myself. I read some things and it was if I wrote it myself, these things described my marriage and my husband. It brought things into the light for me.

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  8. Thank you for the insight, I also want to point out that i noticed a scar in his right ear from an earing many years ago. I am 47 and he is 51. in our gereration we knew it meant gay. so why did he put it there? He has no empathy for my feelings and yells at me when i try to get to the bottom of it. I am so sad and have been in denial, I am his 3rd wife but he has had many failed relationships. Do I confront him on my findings?

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    1. It is so hard to confront with no proof other than your own suspicions and feelings. He is going to deny it. This haunts Many of us that never got the closure of a confession. Some wives do find information on their husbands phones or on the computer stored in the history. If you confront him I don’t believe he will admit it. If you are trying to get information confronting him at this point will only cause him to be more careful.

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      1. Hi again, is there any thing I can read that delves deeper into a repressed gay man that can help me, I feel the urge to read more and the signs to help me make a decision on what to do with this marriage. Your help would be of tremendous gratitude to me. Thank you.

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      2. If you are looking for a book that describes what a gay man goes through coming to terms with his sexuality I have read The Velvet Rage, and Over the Cliff. Bonnie Kaye has many books that deal with what a straight spouse goes through and the behaviors of the closeted gay husband Shattered Lives is one that I’ve read and recommend, The Gay Husband Checklist, and my book Signs of a Gay Husband-Identifying Closeted Gay Husband Behaviors. Definitely look at Bonnie Kaye’s books she had several books out on this subject. Her books really helped me.

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  9. Sorry to bother you again but I have no one to talk to about this that would understand or know what to do. I want to ask for your advice on how do I get out of this marriage before it’s to late for me? I read a lot of your stuff on line and how it slowly stripped you of your inner self. I don’t know how to deal with this or how to kick him out. I want so much to just let it all out in his face and tell him I am certain he is hiding the fact that he is gay. If I do this would it make him leave? I want my life back, it has not even been a full two years since we have been together so I figure if I can get out soon I will be ok. I am worried he will make my life a living hell though. Please help. 😦

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  10. I am bisexual but I date other bisexuals and many of us do. The men that do this are accuse us of being neo nazis and bisexual supremacists etc but it is okay for them, especially some in my area who fake being straight with women and act better than us and often they are preying on them.

    This is also relevant to those who fake bisexuality because many know that we as a majority those who will that are straight or gay are often leading us on for sex and wouldn’t grasp it. My girlfriend and I as well as exes, male and female understand that we catch the body language and we discuss it and note it because we love each other and in our case it is idea. I want to help with that push because bisexual moral and self worth goes up when couples are both similar in worldview.

    I saw the gay/bi breakdowns a lot. What happens with a real gay/lesbian and legit bisexual is that they stop the faking slowly but bully bi people into calling themselves gay and acting gay and that is the same thing they chose to do and blame on everyone.

    I was punished for crushes at 7 and called bi and told it was sort of a gay thing but not either. My mom however came out and went hard line and didn’t care about anything but the pride nonsense and I have many friends who are gay, straight etc but I am glad to see this because even bisexual and all, my mom outing herself and caring only caring about herself and pride is something I read with everyone here. My bias was never being in a closet but I can’t feel their pain a lot of the time because they were trying to be one or the other.

    I have to accept harassment for my reluctance to be into any of that mixed orientation nonsense because our mental scope is similar etc and our relationships start and end smoothly. Minus my late teens repressed bisexual he was hidden etc. He was a narcissist and just plain evil and kept doing the “behave” thing and I am not gay or straight so I like to elaborate on that in relationships because without that we get the rage but only at gay people. We aren’t the same and I am not trying to say that but we want for us what you want for you.

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  11. My husband has had two affairs in our 20 year marriage both with married women. After his last affair he confessed to me that he had been looking at she men on Internet for past several years. The affairs were both initiated by the other women, he said he was flattered by their attention and the last affairs stopped him thinking about the possibility that he was gay. After he confessed, we talked and I suggested we experiment sexually with pegging, he had always wanted to perform anal sex on me, but I never enjoyed it as was just painful for me. The pegging was sexually adventurous for us and we both enjoyed it, but it didn’t sexually satisfy him or me. He didn’t feel totally comfortable with it as he said he realised now that it was the taboo of it that was a turn on. But, after a couple of months we stopped experimenting. Now he insists he loves me and wants us to be together for rest of our lives. He feels much better that he finally got the fear he had that he might be gay out in open to me and isn’t worried any more. We still have sex but haven’t done any experimenting and it’s just regular sex, but it is usually initiated by me. I was never one to initiate it, but since last affair I’m still feeling insecure, and with his fear of being gay is still on my mind. We are both very loving towards each other and spend a lot of time outdoors walking in countryside which we love. He appears to be happy, and constantly tells me he loves me. He never did before. I love him dearly, but just hope he’s being true to me this time.

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      1. No, it won’t. My wife has been falling in love with women since age 13. When I asked her if she was gay last year after her most recent emotional love affair with a woman, she told me no, that she has loved three men.
        Ignoring the fact that she’s also loved six women, three of them while we have been married.
        It might get suppressed, but it never goes away.

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  12. I’m confused! My husband and I have been married for 27 years. About 4 years ago, I found an email where he had solicited possible hook-up with men, stating he was “a bottom, looking for a top”…he said he never met up with anyone and was just curious. On Feb 12th (his 50th birthday) I sneaked his phone to text his boss about his birthday, and found a text from a “Meat” asking if my husband was available on Saturday, my husband replied “no, never alone on Saturdays” then “Meat” says: “we need to get together and play again, soon!” to which my husband replied “yes!”…..needless to say my husband got caught and admitted to having oral sex with this guy. My husband suffers from ED and said he was just curious to see if it would work with a guy, he says it didn’t. He also says he told this guy that it was over, that he was going to work on his marriage. I’m heartbroken and really want to work this out but not sure what to think anymore!! We have since had some really long talks about all this, and he does have counseling scheduled.

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    1. Tami it sounds as if your husband has same sex attraction, this attraction for men will not go away. My gay ex claimed impotence but at the same time he was hooking up with men. If he was curious about Ed he would be looking for a woman to see if it worked not a man. I know you are very confused these closeted gay husbands keep their wives confused. They don’t want to be gay. They use the wife and kids to say I’m not gay. My heart goes out to you. Read all you can about the behaviors of closeted gay husbands to help bring you out of your confusion. No amount of counseling will change his same sex attraction. Look out for yourself. Big hugs.

      Sincerely,
      Debra

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      1. I am so very happy to say this: YOU ARE WRONG, AND IM GLAD YOU ARE!!!! After much counselling, with an actual counselor, we have found that this is a sex addiction issue! Read “Out of the shadows” by Dr. Patrick Carnes………people, get real counselling!!!! Especially “Mary”!! Through our counselling we have been able to recognize the issues, and yes I played a big part because of my past, learn the triggers and learn how to work through this. Most of this issues is a trigger from his childhood, but we DO love each other and are committed to making this work. P.S. My husband has never been angry or abusive during this whole process

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      2. Homosexuality and sexual addiction are two separate issues. I write about closeted gay men who marry women. The two should not be confused. This site has never expressed closeted homosexuality and sexual addiction are the same thing. No amount of counseling will change a persons sexual orientation. One should always seek a professional opinion. I write about my own experience. This is a blog. I am not a doctor, counselor, or a psychiatrist. No one knows their own life better than themselves. Never put your personal life and happiness in a blog site. Many women have common experiences that relate to mine. This blog has helped clear up confusion for some. This blog is only meant to validate women with a common experience. Women need to be aware once a gay husband is caught advertising online for sex with men they will call it anything but homosexuality, from sexual addiction to curiosity, to bisexual. They don’t want to admit they are gay. Do straight men with a sexual addiction advertise for sex with men? I think men look for what they are attracted to.

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  13. Tears are falling from my eyes after reading this because this perfectly sums up, the experience, that I had, in my marriage to a gay man! My heart is still shattered as he moved on with the speed of lightening after it took me over a year to work up the courage to leave him after finding out that he had been cheating on me with multiple men Everytime I confronted him, he would lie and make me believe that I was crazy. He went so far as to destroy/delete any evidence that I would find and hoard for myself as proof that what was happening was indeed real. He played so many games with me and still does. Yet weeks after I left him, he already is involved with a man but will admit it to me sometimes and then deny it and say that he still loves and wants to be with me, yet will show up with love bites/hickey’s on his neck and the guy calls his phone incessantly when he comes on his one day a week to see our son. I don’t know how I will ever begin to trust anyone again. Let alone myself and my judgment. I am in shambles and this article helped make me feel like I’m not alone and that maybe after almost 15 years together(10 married) that I will have the possibility to put my lifeback together and maybe even find out what true love really is. What makes me most sad , is that I thought that this was love, was in denial for so long, and let me love for him shield me from the truth.

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    1. Dear Heather, Please do not let him string you along by telling you he still loves and wants to be with you. He wants to keep you hanging on to hope. And he wants to keep you there in case his new relationship fails. I know you have a child together and you have to see him. You must form boundaries and keep it about the child. He can never love you as you were meant to be loved. He may feel for you like a family member perhaps like a sister. He can never love you as a wife is meant to be loved. He is being very selfish. I am sorry for all the pain you are feeling. You were married a long time and have a child with him, it will take some time to heal from all of this. Be patient and kind to yourself. The first step is learning to take care of yourself. 💜

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  14. After years of emotional abuse I caught my husband on a few gay websites. He was on his laptop right next to me in bed. Every time I turned towards him I noticed he was incognito on Google chrome. He doesn’t know that I saw and I can’t confront him because I know how narcissistic he is and will deny, lie or blame me.
    We’ve been married for 18 years together for 23 and have three children together. Throughout our marriage he has not been able to hold down jobs and he’s moved us around constantly. Several times he left us behind to take jobs out of town. He moved us to Florida for 2 1/2 years causing us to lose our home to foreclosure. We have been renting ever since.
    He is terrible and always has had an awful relationship with our 22 year old daughter. She suffers from mental illness due to his treatment of her.
    Several years ago I found an odd string of phone calls made from his cell to a an 800 number. When i called it i heard a recording of a woman’s voice talking about the number being a talk line to speak with men. I kind of pushed it out of my mind after confronting him and he apologized. I never did get an explanation from him however.
    I feel very alone right now and do not know how to deal with this at all. It’s so hard to write this. There is so much more to say but I could write a book about this awful experience and the past 23 years

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    1. June I want you to know you are not alone. There are many of us. I have a list of resources on this site. There are support groups out there for women who have been through the same as us. I am so sorry for your pain. It is devastating to find out the man you thought you knew has been lying to you throughout the entire marriage. It is a lot to take in. Be patient with yourself through this process. The sad thing is there is no remorse on their part for what they have done to us.

      Best Regards,
      Debra 💜

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  15. I feel that my fiancé is closeted gay and he says I’m crazy . He’s making me feel or believe it’s me. After five years and a child I do feel he is repressed, he is resentful towards me and at times I feel he hates me . I have accused him of it which now I get is not right but I feel like I am going crazy . In the beginning he was very sexual and touchy to now having sex with me when he is intixicated . It’s the worst feeling ever , i am sad and heart broken . I am attractive to most men and he won’t touch me and says he’s tired or the kids or something . I cry not being touched and if he dies it’s over in thirty seconds making me feel very sad . This man use to at one time (so I thought) enjoyed pleasing me and now it’s a chore . He says mean things to me “ok fine you want sex then get it” he is now become so angry with me and my cries . I just want to know I’m not crazy . Also he did say “dont you think I want to want you ” we are suppose to get married but I know this isn’t right

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    1. Dear Marry, you are not crazy. These guys like to make you think you are. He is trying to invalidate your feelings. This way you will believe it’s all you. What it comes down to: Is this what you thought a relationship (marriage) would be like? If you are not happy now you will not be happy when you marry. Remember your happiness should be a priority. Don’t settle for anything less. 💜

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    2. I would encourage you not to assume that he is a closeted gay. I don’t think accusing him of it at this point will be productive. I am also not saying that it’s not possible that he is, but there are also other possible reasons for what is happening. It is not uncommon for people’s sex drives to change as they get older. Perhaps there is a physical reason (low testosterone levels, erectile dysfunction, prostrate problems etc.) Since this has become an emotionally charged topic between the two of you, I would strongly suggest that you go to counseling together, if you are able. If he is not willing to go, then go yourself so that you can have the support you need. And he should at least get checked out by a doctor to address any potential causes that he may be reluctant to admit to you. Unless you have evidence that he has same sex attraction (you didn’t mention any), I think it is premature to make any assumptions about the cause of the issues between the two of you. I hope you can find a way to address and resolve them together.

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    3. Marry, I would also like to say listen to your instincts. So many times we disregard our instincts. You know when something is off in your relationship. I wish I had listened to mine.

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  16. All the behavior you explained here describe exacly my step father AND step mother. My step father being repressed homosexual and step mother being the abused wife for over 40 years now. When i first met my step father i tough to my self that he looked like an actor playing a repressed homo in the movie ”American Beauty”. Then i notice his homophobic behavior and then i went on internet to read about repressed homosexuality and its just as if i had found a picture of my step parent. I never said anything to anyone yet not even my wife because im not sure if i should… Im not sure how i should deal with this. Both of them are completly miserable. I think i should do something to eventually maybe help them get better but im sure he will never admit it and then what, i would just cause trouble mostly to myself so im tempted to do nothing about it. I woud like some advice on what you think i should do. Should i get involved or should i stay quiet? It doesnt feel right to take some one out of the closet by forcing it but on the other hand they are causing a lot of suffering around them.

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    1. Dear Greg it’s a very difficult situation. If he is abusive toward your mother I would talk to her privately. You really can’t force someone out of the closet. He will deny it if that is where he wants to stay. Also it’s hard to confront with no proof. The only thing you can do is talk to your mom about her unhappiness and if she is living in an abusive situation you can talk to her about that.

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  17. I see so many of your have been suffering.

    I have strong moral compass and I am gay. I never will EVER go into straight relationship without full disclosure of my feelings.

    Because of my religion, or RATHER the scholars of my religion, I wanted to force myself to just be with women thinking it will go away. I felt guilty not making my choice. They made me feel I was selfish😦

    I suffered terrible depression. Not ONCE have i acted out because of anger. I wanted to use reason.

    If am I truly ill, let me accept it because of morality, then why does tha major psychological associations say it is isnt. And the sure at its best; If sleeping with your partner does not satisfy the need for 20+ years then what on EARTH will change me?

    If the heterosexuals were to claim I could change: I have no loss in this! I will be loving husband and a father….but reading all your stories, does me denying to enter straight relationship such a bad thing? Why am I made feel guilty for this? Why suffer like this when God DID NOT CREATE marriage and family to suffer! But rather to find comfort with each other.

    God Forbid, what if become this cruel monster because my needs are not met! God forbid God forbid. I keep on asking myself can gay man really change? Can a gay man really change? And if it does not why should I choose suffering!!!!!!

    I feel shame, humiliated, confused at times because of sexual orientation but really really frustrated and sad and I end up crying! God i wish to be honest, There exist no way to change me and yet i am condemned celibacy. Our society is probably morally really perverse.

    Please do not allowing suffering like this. Even in my religion heterosexual relationship is not created to make people suffer. That is no Gods intention.

    Anyways. I pray all of you find peace and if a lying shameful gay man tries to marry anyone of you, send him my way and I shall throw him a punch for not being honest and for not standing up for himself amidst ALL the homophobia.

    Okay enough of this rant from an young adult….just venting and taking away the spotlight! I hope I haven’t caused any offence.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. No offense taken ciescholar, thank you for your comment. I believe God is love. I don’t understand everything about religion. I hope you can accept yourself. And I hope people will be accepting. I don’t believe anyone should enter into a marriage like this. It harms everyone. Even if it means living a life of celibacy that would be better than living a lie.

      Best Regards,
      Debra

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  18. Debra,

    You are offering an amazing service by sharing your experiences through this blog and letting others know that you are here and that they are not alone. I have been married 12 years to a latent homosexual and it has taken a toll on me in more ways than I can say. The erosion of your self-esteem and dignity is enormous. I used to be a confident, self-assured woman and now I am left to pick up the pieces of trust in my own judgement. It is hard to trust myself and others. He will NEVER admit he is homosexual but ALL of the signs are there. I have been neglected, ignored and looked over in the ways that count the most in what is supposed to be the most intimate relationship.

    There is no amount of taking great care of yourself, flirting, pulling back and allowing space, communicating or counseling that will make a man who is not desirous of you and your femaleness want you. You simply don’t have the right parts or the right (male) energy to break through to him in that way.

    What’s worse is that in a lot of these mixed marriages, there is a strong friendship. We are like the best of roommates. I’ve come to realize that he can never be more than that to me. He’s a great co-parent to the children, a wonderful supporter in all that I do and someone I can call on when needed. But, functioning as my lover/husband is not within his capacity to maintain long term. I realize that now and I am both saddened and excited to start over again. I’ve always been a loving, caring person. I just hope I’m not too jaded once back out there.

    Thanks again for all you do.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Still believing in love, thank you for your kind words. You deserve true love and happiness. Many of these men will never admit they are gay. We have to make ourselves a priority.

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  19. I don’t know if my spouse is. He is trans and insists he’s a woman. I love this person. We have no sex, it’s very depressing. I’m trying to understand. I’m so lonely. We been married 23 years. I hope we can get ourcsec life back. He hasn’t transitioned and said it may never be possible cause insurance won’t cover it. He still dresses as male at work but dresses at home. Sometimes it’s unisex and I’m so thankful for that, it helps is all feel better if we are out somewhere. I fear danger f on bigots who might harm us, kill us even. And there is no real support online. Most not all but most I have met seem to hate gay or trans people or me stating them my spouse or they seem to have mental health issues themselves or they are very far to the left. I feel very much alone. I’m prayers by god will help me save my marriage. As I love my spouse.

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    1. Kimberly I am so sorry to hear about the pain you are in and with no support. Please look at the resources page on this site for support, or contact the straight spouse network. It’s especially disheartening you feel like you are in fear for your life. You are not alone. There are others in your situation.

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  20. My husband has always blamed me I couldn’t get thin enough make enough money clean enough cook enough or do the laundry right or the bed sheets on the bed he has devasted me financially and blames me for everything and he will still not come out that he is gay he was busted soliciting men for sex on a website and says that the nude pics were intended for me but he deleted them and did not send them to me I’m hurt crushed and devasted that he takes no responsibility in marrying someone that he was never in love with or attracted to because of his sexuality our whole marriage of thirty years has been a fraud he tries to turn our son against me I’m ready to move on with my life

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    1. Christa I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through. I’m 61 and live alone. I have peace and contentment I never would have with a closeted gay man. They lie and cheat nor will they take responsibility. Great to hear you are ready to move on with your life. You won’t regret it.

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  21. I know this is an old thread, but I only just came across this one. But I am dismayed by one of the commenters calling closeted gay men criminals. Did I misunderstand that comment, and maybe she was referring to abusive husbands being criminals, not gay husbands. For those of us who are older, got married in the 60s or 70s, yes it’s very painful, but back then, gay men didn’t have the choice to be open like they do today. Back then they were criminals just for being gay, and now we’re supposed to call them criminals because they did everything they were told to do, to not be gay? Remember how people used to say to “confirmed bachelors” – “well, you just haven’t found the right woman yet.” That’s the way we all thought back then. The year after I got married, Anita Bryant was going around the country saying gays and lesbians would recruit our children if we let them teach in the public schools, and people believed her. I can remember reading the newspaper and seeing names of people who I knew, who got arrested for being in a gay bar when it got raided by the police. If they’ve broken the law or done something illegal, that’s one thing, but I don’t think it’s fair to brand them as criminals when they were doing what they were told to do, it’s like saying they’re criminals for trying not to be criminals. I think sometimes we forget what it used to be like, and in our own lifetimes.

    I think the real criminals are the ones who tell little children that they’re sick, and perverted and they’re going to cause the end of the human race, and they’re going to hell for falling in love with someone someday, those are the real criminals who should be locked up for poisoning a child’s mind that way.

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