An excerpt from the book Signs of a Gay Husband-Identifying Closeted Gay Husband Behaviors.
As the Fifty Shades of Grey movie is promoted and protested, I can only say I’m glad I’m no longer living in a controlling, sexually abusive relationship. After a while, our marriage became a nondisclosure agreement which kept me from admitting to our sons, my extended family or our mutual friends just why I left.
When someone chooses to use an unsuspecting, straight spouse as camouflage for their secret life, they are, from the start, choosing to abuse through manipulation and deceit. My ex married me because I provided useful services for him, and a closet in which he could hide his true self. All he gave me in return was PTSD and an STD. Finally, not too long ago, I got a d.i.v.o.r.c.e.
He still tells people he’s straight. Heck, he tells me he’s straight. It used to knock me off balance.
And yet, I remember:
- on our honeymoon, he was too violently ill to have sex a second time (but was healthy enough to track down a man at the resort, so they could do drugs together)
- years of marriage when we’d have sex just every couple of months
- that time he said we shouldn’t have sex because “we just did that a few days ago”
- him saying that the guitarist we were watching, who is known to be gay, could have anal sex with my husband
- him insisting i watch him masturbate to porn, instead of having sex with me
- him talking through all those porn movies, about how sexy the men were, and about how I should try sex with a woman because he was sure I’d enjoy lesbian sex
- him suggesting I join his lesbian coworkers for a “girls’ weekend,” because it would be “hot.” To him. It didn’t matter that I had no interest in spending a weekend with a group of lesbians I did not actually know.
- his frequent insistence that sex would be better if I had a penis, “because then you’d know what men want”
- him telling me I should flirt with other men, and have sex with them, so my husband could watch
- him telling me he’d found men for me to have sex with. All the same type of men–men my husband found attractive
- him insisting for years that if we did have sex, it had to be on video, with him directing my actions for the camera
After a while, pretty much everything he did was designed to set me up for rejection, loneliness, sexual frustration and fear that I would never make him happy. I would never be enough. It took me decades to realize that there was no point in trying to be enough of a woman for my husband, because what he wanted was for me to be a man.
Once I realized what was going on, the veneer disappeared. There was not a single scrap of charm or decency or kindness in my ex, once he knew that I wanted a divorce. I became his enemy, even as I told him that i wanted both of us to be free.
Lucky for me, I survived.
If you suspect your spouse is gay, you don’t have to stay. You don’t have to keep being the closet in which they hide. And you don’t have to go it alone. Reach out and find other straight spouses for support and help. We’re here, and we’re glad to help others escape to the freedom and peace that comes after leaving an abusive relationship. Not sure where to start?
The Straight Spouse Network offers peer-to-peer support.
Bonnie Kaye offers counseling and free healing weekends for straight wives, and a weekly, online radio talk show with interviews with counselors, straight spouses, gay men who have lived in the closet, lawyers and others who can help.
Straight Forward offers counseling and healing weekends for straight men and women whose spouses come out as LGBT.
By Georgia Lynn Pine