Are Closeted Gay Husbands Misogynistic? by Debra Sutton


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Narcissistic-Self-Portrait-9 By Ben Saren

Are Closeted Gay Husbands Misogynistic?

Misogyny (/mɪˈsɒdʒɪni/) is the hatred or dislike of women or girls. Misogyny can be manifested in many ways, including sexual discrimination, denigration of women, violence against women, and sexual objectification of women.

My answer to the question are closeted gay husbands misogynistic is yes. I cannot say that all closeted gay men share a hatred toward women. I am speaking from experience. I spent twenty-two years with a closeted gay husband. Are you being set up, so he can tear you down? Is is calling you names like bitch, whore, slut etc.? My gay ex never missed what he felt was an opportunity to inflict damage. It was like he was throwing up, spewing all his hate, and he felt relief afterwards. Yes relief for himself at my expense.

There is a certain scenario, one that was not easy to understand. I did not understand this until my marriage ended. There were times my husband had a lot of rage, and jealousy. It never felt like this was about me. I never flattered myself to think, he loves me so much he cannot stand the thought of sharing me with another man. He was not jealous of every man who talked to me, or gave me a certain look, just certain men. He became physically violent over a coworker who said very few words to me. I did not understand his level of violence under any circumstances, much less over something so minor. The man and I barely spoke. I left my husband for six months after this. When I packed my things to leave he cried. He told me I was his best friend, his only friend. I felt very sorry for him as I was leaving, but did not want to stay with someone who could inflict such physical and emotional pain. I left him and moved from Florida to Texas. Putting seven hundred miles between us, I did not believe I would be returning. The six months we spent apart, he worked on me, begging me to come back. I did end up going back and staying twenty more years.

So what was all this jealousy about? Like I said it was only over certain men. I now believe the jealousy was over men he himself desired. I believe the closeted gay husband in certain situations becomes competitive with his wife over attention from men. It’s much like competition between women. I believe the closeted gay husband plays up the best friend scenario. I heard I was his best friend so many times, I really did believe it. All they really have to offer you in the marriage is friendship. They play on your sympathy, on your good heart. They are jealous of your good nature, and your ability to connect with, and attract people. When their jealousy leads to violence, when it becomes physically, or emotionally abusive then this is hate toward a woman.

I can say that a man who uses a woman to cover the fact that he is gay, one who berates, and tears her down, one who physically abuses women, and calls her obscene names is misogynistic. If you are objectified in any way, then you might be dealing with a misogynistic closeted gay husband. If you have suspicions that your husband is gay pay attention to behavior that does not add up. I remembered every odd behavior that did not make sense to me, they were all  pieces of a puzzle. It took years for me to put all the pieces together.

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15 thoughts on “Are Closeted Gay Husbands Misogynistic? by Debra Sutton

    1. Sarah this is so true, if only we could have all been spared this pain. All the years we wasted trying to fix something and we did not even know what we were trying to fix. Its all so sad.

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  1. Yes, I see it as I was battling against something and I didn’t even know I was in a battle. No wonder we suffer PTSD. I don’t want to trivialise war but I feel battle-weary.
    My husband was however never physically violent and didn’t call me misogynistic names. What he did do was slowly change over the years so that sometimes I was idealised as the stay-at-home mother and cook and businesswoman extraordinaire but also on a daily basis face nasty little comments, being spoken to like he really hated me, but then a few minutes later talk to me normally again. I started to think that was just normal.
    I also believe that the very fact that he used me and the children we had together as his cover is intrinsically misogynistic (even if he hadn’t also regularly been a nasty little shit). He saw women/me as a woman as something he could use to support his inability to live authentically. I could have been any woman really – as long as I was stupid enough not to see through his elaborate lies. And I didn’t really get signs – he was and still is fantastic at playing the part of his false self – the public, straight, family man face – he still plays this part even though I made him move out 4 months ago – except now he’s the straight man who’s all sad and lonely in his own place now, away from his kids and his wife whom he still he loves… Yawn.
    So yes, my gay husband too is misogynistic and also of course homophobic – as his whole life is based on the premise that to be gay is a truly terrible thing.
    Debra, you make such interesting points. I’m going to have to wrack my brains now and think back to whether he was ever jealous of another man in relation to me. I always used to wonder at the fact that he didn’t get jealous, but I put that down to the fact that I was always so considerate and thoughtful and would always try to protect him from that kind of experience, as I also expected him to protect me from feeling jealousy over other women – but he didn’t always fulfil his part of that bargain. For the first ten years at least of our 20-year union I had to experience painful jealousy over other women. I think now that he was eyeing up other women to replace me as his ‘beard.’ Because I was no longer ‘working’ for him. He was having trouble fitting his square peg into the (my!) round hole! (excuse the double entendre). At the time we went for counselling because he didn’t ‘feel the same about me’ anymore. He wanted things to be ‘like they were at the beginning.’ Of course I took that as somehow my fault – I didn’t look as good, having the children had changed me blah blah. If only I’d bloody known it was because he was a gay man acting every day of his life and I was his unwitting co-star. That’s the whole point here. If we knew what was really going on we’d be out in a flash, but they, in their deluded minds, think that they are somehow doing us a favour by not telling us. Twisted users.

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    1. Dear Becky,

      I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so mind blowing to find out we were used. I like you did not know what i was battling. I have suffered from PTSD as well. I have been on my own for three years now. It does get better. I am trying to focus on healing now. I do not think they are capable of knowing what they have done to us. They feel as though the sacrificed years for us. My marriage took a hard toll on me. I went through physical changes while in the marriage, gaining 50 pounds. It was not just the weight all the life was drained out of me. I no longer recognized myself. Since our divorce i lost the weight without even dieting. I started seeing myself emerge. Family told me they did not even know if i would be able to lift myself out of the state i was in. I am glad to hear he is no longer in the same house with you. You will begin to see so many things, you were not able to see while with him. Now you can begin to heal. Big Hugs.

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  2. Thanks Debra. I only just saw your comment. I do worry that it is going to take me longer to recover though because I still have to see such a lot of him because of the business especially and less because of the kids because frankly they couldn’t care less if they didn’t see him from one week to the next.
    I was determined that he would not see me on my 50th birthday though. He asked if he could do something with me! I said ‘no,’ and he made the mistake of asking why not. I let him have it then: told him he’d wasted 20 years of my life, said instead of blaming me and the kids for his repressed sexuality why not blame his homophobic sister and homophobic father (although my daughter wisely pointed out that really he should blame himself) etc. etc. I think it probably does me a bit of good to get these things off my chest by directly throwing them into his face. But it’s a shame I can’t do ‘no contact.’ It would be financial suicide to stop what is a very good business and I don’t want to lose out financially on top of everything else.
    In the meantime I am reading some great books. I really recommend Alexander Lowen, ‘Narcissism: denial of the true self.’ I find I am fascinated by the subject and actually enjoy reading about it, despite what the Narc did to me. Here’s just one quote:
    ‘if one does not love oneself, one cannot love others. Love may be viewed as a sharing of the self with another person. Sexual intercourse is a true expression of love when there is such a sharing but a narcissistic act when it is lacking. Intimacy describes the sharing of the self. But one has to have a sense of self in order to share it.’ Of course the Narc has denied his true self and lives as his false self, so for all the proclamations of love I have received post-discovery I know that he does not know the meaning of the word. What I am amazed about in this book written by a psychiatrist who was in his 90s, is that he doesn’t even mention gay husbands and yet so much of what he writes completely applies to them.
    Anyway, love and best wishes to you. I used to hate the idea of being without a man, but it isn’t actually something to fear. I wish I’d known that years ago. We both know it now. xxx

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    1. I understand your position owning a business with him. Yes you have to have contact. Keep your boundaries, this is important. Thanks for the book recommendation Narcissism: denial of the true self. I too am fascinated by the subject.

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  3. Hey Debra. I have to give you this little beauty too regarding the true self and the false self:
    ‘This true self is the feeling self, but it is a self that must be hidden and denied. Since the superficial self [the facade] represents submission and conformity, the inner or true self is rebellious and angry. This underlying rebellion and anger can never be fully suppressed since it is an expression of the life force in the person. But because of the denial, it cannot be expressed directly. Instead, it shows up in the narcissist’s acting out. And it can become a perverse force.’
    So this is why my husband was regularly so nasty to me and the children and it was getting worse as time went on. I believe it was also his displaced/projected guilt (if he felt any), that led him to blame us for his behaviour. Bizarre, illogical, unjust but true. Lowen says that narcissists also suppress this anger by freezing the muscles of the upper back and shoulders. Guess who had problems with his back and shoulders and therefore has seen an acupuncturist weekly for years (of course there is also the sensation of a man’s hands on his body…)?

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  4. Hi. I was in an arranged marriage with a closeted gay +/- pedophile man. The impotency,the obvious blaming me for the impotency, the yelling, the greed for my money, the molestation and sick fixation on his neice..
    I came across your page and everything made so much sense. Does the following feel like anything sensible? I am a very beautiful young woman..he made me feel like an ugly man.

    I was accused of being obsessed with sex, and then of being frigid. When i wanted to talk of contraception, it was because *he shouldn’t experience pleasure* ( no mention of 100% limp dick). *I should have been seducing him. I was fat and ugly.*

    After reading your page I left him. Thank you for giving me courage and saving me.

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    1. ForeverMe, this is exactly what these men do, they blame us instead of admitting they are gay. I am so sorry for all you have been through. I’m so glad you got out. Now you can heal and move forward with the rest of your life. Thank you for sharing this with me and I am happy to help. I want women to know none of this is their fault and to clear up the confusion these men cause. Remember no contact is the best way unless you have children then minimum contact and be sure to set boundaries.

      Big Hugs,
      Debra

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    2. ForeverMe I am so sorry for what you went through. I am happy to hear that my blog helped you and that you got out. I hope you are doing better. Marriage to these men is like slow moving death.

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  5. Hi Debra , i have been with a man for 8 years now, i believe he is gay there is no romance or attraction towards me anymore i am still attractive ,he sleeps on the couch and its been going on for 6 months dosnt want to sleep with me or do anything with me . We were good for 3 years i am currently going through menopause i still want to sleep with him , the offer has always been there ive always had a healthy approach to sex . Hes had a male friend for the past 5 years they met on a building site when working together . He told me i was going to get hurt , i said what do you mean ? He was reluctant to answer me , then he said you can have other men if you want but dont get caught ! I was shocked and angry and felt rejected ! Getting back to his strange friendship with his mate , they see each other frequently and openly in front of me, i have been mocked and abused openly by his mate derogatory sarcastic remarks were made and my partner just let him abuse me . I had this feeling something wasn’t right all along , hes Croatian and misogynistic . He had controlling parents and has been abused by his father .

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