Letter To The Other Man by Debra Sutton


This is a letter I shared with Bonnie on 11/02/2014. I wrote this in hopes of reaching out to the other man.

To The Other Man,

If you are a gay man in a relationship with a man, who is married to a woman. You will spend holidays alone, while he spends them with his family. He will never tell people about you. Even though you are out, he is not. He will complain about his wife, but chances are he will not leave her. Why should he has the cover of his wife and children with you on the side. He will not care about your feelings or his wife’s feelings. There is no happiness that comes from a relationship with a closeted gay man. No happiness for you, and no happiness for his wife. You see even though he stays married to her, he resents her. He blames her for all that’s wrong with his life. Nobody wins in the relationship with the married closeted gay man. This type of man will never tell the truth. Even if he does divorce he will never come out publicly and he will still have to hide his relationship with you.

I was unknowingly married to a closeted gay man for 22 years. I wish someone had the courage to tell me the truth. My gay ex husband never had the courage to come out. Near the end of my marriage I received a phone call from a man, he was upset and told me to give my husband a message he said tell him he was supposed to met me for a cookout. This was a close call for my gay husband. Someone almost gave him away. At the time I did not understand. I wish someone had the courage to tell me the truth. If you are the other man I want you to know I am hurting too. I have spent years trying to help my husband with problem after problem. He has been mean, cruel, and abusive. If you are the other man please have the courage to tell me. I want to know the truth. I died a little each day in this marriage. So I would ask you to free me and yourself. I was finally free near the end of my marriage, when a straight man, who I know had the courage to tell me my husband had made sexual advances toward him. The truth was a painful relief.

Debra Sutton


9 thoughts on “Letter To The Other Man by Debra Sutton

  1. My advice to men who fall in love with gay men in straight relationships is to shun them at all cost. They will only make you miserable. He is only exploiting you for sex, nothing else. He does not really care about your feelings, but only about his own physical needs. He will never leave his wife/girlfriend because she provides him with a perfect facade. Very often she is also his best friend who always supports and defends him no matter what. Why would he want to leave the comfort and security that a straight relationship provides him?

    Debra, you say you would wish someone had told you earlier. I understand that. But don’t you think that if someone completely stranger tells a woman that her husband/boyfriend is gay, she will just dismiss the allegations as complete nonsense? Maybe she would even get angry at that person for accusing her husband/boyfriend for something like that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Espen you are right when you say the closeted gay man will only make you miserable. The closeted gay husband does focus on the friendship he has with his wife, as mine always told me I was his best friend. Perhaps this is because friendship is all he has to offer in the marriage. When my marriage ended, just like so many other straight wives I felt like I was losing my best friend. A few of the closeted gay husbands do come out, but it seems alot of them wait until they are in their fifties. Most stay in the closet and when their marriage ends because the wife finds out, they move on with women. These are the ones that will never come out. Bonnie call them the gay straight men. I don’t believe i would have dismissed, or been angry at anyone who told me they were having an affair with my husband. It would have answered so much of my confusion about my husbands behavior. I did wonder if my husband is gay, but he always got angry if the subject was brought up. He made me believe I was imagining things. He looked straight, He acted straight. I found gay porn on our computer, in the history. He blamed me saying i gave us a computer virus. This was one incident in 22 years of marriage. He never brought porn into our home, so I dismissed this. There are alot of things I dismissed like his anger toward me, blaming me for all that was wrong in his life. I believe my ex husband came out to himself after 3 mental break downs with brief reactive disorder. I don’t think he will ever come out publicly.

      Thank you


  2. Thank you for your answer Debra. Pardon my rather poor english, but english is not my first language. I live in Norway, a small country in Northern-Europe. I can assure you that the issue with gay men in straight relationships is a common fenomen here as well, as i suppose it is in every part of the world.

    After i fell in love with such a man myself i needed to understand why these men are doing the things they do. I started to search for information about this on the internet, and i found the homepage to Bonnie Kaye that provided me with tons of valuable information about this issue.

    I am so grateful to her and you, because i have learned so much and i understand things better now. I have also been touched by all the stories from women like you and Bonnie who spent years suffering in these relationships. And yet you have found the strength and courage to share your stories with others.

    Thank you Debra! Thank you for being so strong and brave.


  3. As an out gay man, I can’t say I know what the married gay guys think when they do what they do with their lives and others’. I’ve known a lot of married guys and only one had the courage to divorce, but didn’t actually say the truth to his family. Back in those times, I wasn’t aware of the damage the women behind those guys are experiencing; now I realize, and sometimes I think of letting them know who their husbands really are. It’s unfortunate I don’t have any contact with any of the married guys now and wouldn’t know how to reach their wives or if I will have the courage. I think it’s good for you to give this awareness to other women in your position.

    I know you may have an idea of how many married-to-women men have sex with other men, but to others reading this: you’ll be surprised to know, I’ve received an incredible number of propositions or innuendos from married men throughout my life, and I’m 29.

    The sad truth is that most of them hide their true identity very very well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rodrigo thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. It is good to know there are people like you who would come forward. These secrets are destroying to everyone even to the person that is keeping them.


  4. The comments above don’t only apply to closeted gay men. I believe that any married gay man, out to his family or not, is a disaster for a relationship. My husband has been in a relationship with a man for three years. When they met, he assured the man that he was coming out to his family and getting a divorce. He did come out, about 5 months later. Divorce? Nope, not yet. The other man still gets to spend most of his weekends and all of his holidays alone while my gay husband is with his family. The other man is still hidden – ostracized by all who know about him for..basically…chasing after a married man. I hear time after time that the “other man” is upset about being hidden and invisible from my gay husband’s family (he’s not invisible, he is just strongly disliked). And since my gay husband is still married to me (with no moves toward anything else, btw) no-one has to accept him. Again, everyone looses.

    Liked by 1 person

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