Letter Encouraging Gay Men To Come Out To Their Wives by Debra Sutton


This is a letter I shared with Bonnie on July 2, 2014 encouraging gay men to be honest with their wives.

To The Closeted Gay Husband,

I encourage all gay men who are married to be honest with their wives. It is the absolute right thing to do. It will help give her closure, and the validation she deserves. She has spent some years with you dedicated to you, and her family. She has felt rejected day after day year after year. Rejected as a woman. Her self-esteem has been shattered. Even though she probably does not approach you for sex any longer she knows you don’t want her and she believes something is wrong with her. She knows something is not right in the marriage, but does not know what it is, and she spends all her time trying to make things right. If you knew the pain you have already caused her would you want her pain to continue? As you leave to live your new life it would only be selfish not to allow her to do the same.

I was unknowingly married to a gay man for 22 years. He never had the courage to tell me the truth. At the end of our marriage, I did question him and he broke all contact with me. After 22 years he cut me out of his life, as though I never existed. I know he never loved me but, at least thought we were friends. I had to accept that it was all a lie. It was so hard to understand after all the years we spent together. I did think of him and how hard it must have been for him to live with me all those years, now knowing he could not have real love feelings towards a woman. I think it broke us both living his lie. He knew it was a lie, I did not. I don’t know how he can truly live an authentic life without complete honesty. I believe he came out to himself, but only to himself he will never admit the truth to me or his family. It would have helped with the healing process if he would have been honest, but instead he blamed me for everything wrong in his life.

I pray that we can both find peace.

Debra Sutton


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