Chasing Shadows On The Wall by Debra Sutton


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I was living on the surface not really knowing or seeing what was going on around me. I was trapped in the naivety of my thinking unaware of the secret life my husband was living. Aided and abetted by prescription medication that clouded and dulled my thinking. This kept me trapped. I never belonged there. This was not what my life was supposed to be. I felt that life had played a dirty trick on me. My years were stolen by an imposter. After my divorce everything was revealed to me about his secret life. I was angry at him and myself. Myself for not knowing and for putting up with his horrible treatment and abuse.

God and the universe knew it was time to give me my life back. I was set back on the path I was meant to be on. With a greater knowledge and awareness than ever before. I woke up. I saw my life and was able to clearly see what is important to me. Appreciating and loving the small everyday moments with family and friends.  I was no longer the scared little child inside that lived through family abandonment, youth homes, and separation for me and my siblings. These issues had plagued me my whole life.

I have heard the saying nothing is by accident and everything happens for a reason. If the purpose of marriage to a gay man was so he could break me on all levels, so that I could come to this new awakening and awareness. His part in my life was accomplished. In the grand scheme of my life as a whole he is insignificant. I still think I would have reached my destination without him.

Each day brings with it a new collection of memories. Isn’t that what life is all about loving and sharing your life with others. When we are living in these false marriages. We are stuck in the stagnation of the closeted gay husband. We aren’t growing as human beings are meant to grow and flourish. Our world is polluted with the everyday lie and the life they are carrying on in secret. Life with the closeted gay husband leaves you confused. You are either making excuses for him, or trying to fix something about yourself that isn’t broken. Your thinking I’m not pretty enough, I’m not sexy enough. If I kept a cleaner house etc. etc. there is nothing you could have done any different. He wants something you can never give. He wants, needs, and desires a man. He will grow to resent you for this. He will feel like you are the jail keeper standing in his way. Everyday you spend with him is a day you can’t get back.

Leaving my marriage I was able to embrace some wonderful gifts. I had the gift of time with my mother before she passed away. I was present at the birth of a new grand-daughter. As I type this on my iPhone my grand-daughter comes into my bedroom. She wants my phone. She turns the flashlight on and wants to make shadows on the wall. We make bunny rabbits and dinosaurs as the shadows chase each other, I am fully aware of the moment and able to embrace this special time.

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