Invisible Man by Debra Sutton


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My gay ex husband identifies himself with Invisible Man. He used Invisible Man as a Facebook profile picture. In the book by Ralph Ellison Invisible Man takes his revenge on society in silent, unsuspecting ways, such as stealing electricity from a power company by wiring his room full of light bulbs. He feels proud of himself. He likes his invisibility and that he can take from society. He plans to cover the floor of his old abandoned basement apartment with high watt bulbs, out of spite and a need to hold and control as much light as possible. Light is truth and truth is light he says. In this way, his hibernation will be warm and well-lit and he will continue feel vital and alive. Music is another source through which he gains power in his lair. By listening to Louis Armstrong, he hopes to feel his body vibrate and to become aware of a new sense of time. He explains when he smokes a joint one day, the music takes on a new meaning and he sees into the spaces between time. His dreamlike state finds him asking a woman of his illusions what freedom is and her son telling him that he must learn it from himself. Until then, he blames society for his irresponsibility and admits to his own cowardice.

Peterson, Cameron. April 10, 2000 “Invisible Man Prologue” http://www.gradesaver.com

During one of my gay ex-husbands psychotic states he told me he could see music. I don’t believe he ever read the book or realizes the significance. My gay ex is a coward that blames the world for his problems. He has never taken personal responsibility. He will never understand freedom, light, or truth. He made a conscious decision to marry me and hide behind me for twenty two years. He never once thought of me, or my feelings not during our marriage or after our divorce. He watched me during the marriage trying to fix something that I could never fix. He watched as I jumped through hoops while he constantly raised the bar.  I cannot understand how a person can pretend to be straight when they are gay. I don’t understand this kind of cruelty to use another person, because you want to pretend. Then when you are tired of pretending you just dispose of them without ever admitting the truth. He wanted me to continue to believe it was all my fault, and I was some how to blame. He wanted everyone else to believe it was my fault too.

My gay ex husband did not expect for me to find out the truth and when I did he hid like the coward that he is. I have come to terms with most of the truths about my marriage. I accept the fact that he’s gay. Seeing him as gay was hard at first because he acted straight around me for years. It took my mind time to see him this way. I accept the fact that I never knew him. At first I thought that at the very least we were friends. I have come out of this way of thinking. My mind had to clear from all the years of abuse and lies. It took me a little over two years to get rid of the illusion. He always told me he was not comfortable in his own skin. How can he be living a lie? Freedom is something you must learn for yourself. At least I have found freedom in the truth. He still has to live with himself as uncomfortable as that is for him.

I am not alone there are millions of women in this country and around the world who have found that they are married to a closeted gay husband. The pain and confusion we all have to face. Most of these marriages end in divorce. There are many struggles for these women especially those with children. I wish that these gay husbands would do the right thing by their families. In so many of these cases they do not. The wives are the ones that have to pick up the pieces and carry on no matter what. While the gay ex seems to walk away unscathed. There are no ribbons or parades for us. These closeted gay husbands are weak and they are cowards. If they were strong to begin with they would not have to hide behind a wife and children.

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3 thoughts on “Invisible Man by Debra Sutton

  1. Sadly, this is the case with many gay husbands–but not all. There are some who really do try to do the right thing, but they can’t because they are gay. Sadly, many of us have ex’s who were sociopaths and narcissists and put their needs ahead of ours. They had good practice living a daily lie, so they were able to compartmentalize like experts. These are the men who deserve contempt. They do it over and over again to other unsuspecting women. This is what I call the “Straight Gay Man.” He will never admit even to himself that he is gay. He will make fun of gays. He will remarry over and over again. Maybe I can have a new category–“The No-Conscience Gay”! xoxoxo

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  2. Thanks for reading Bonnie. The No Conscience Gay that is what they are. I know there are exceptions and there are some that do the right thing. It just seems that in so many cases when they move on with their new life they don’t do right by their wife and children.

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    1. Hi my name is Jennifer, I met the love of my life 3 yrs ago. He was a friend of a friend I was really drawn to him right away, I was also just recently divorced from a physically and verbally abusive marriage so I see now that I was naive, a few friends that new him had told me a month or so later that they ? His sexuality, I was so smitten by his charm and overly done romantic abilities that I brushed it off. I had never experienced this from a man before and was so happy it was possible lets just say he stole my heart right away. A few months past and he already seemed withdrawn from me, no more hugs kisses, little to no affection, I started to ? The things I had been told in the past, looking at his computer talking to exs that would respond to me ect. Nothing I found was good, gay porn, email adresses, him pretending to be a girl so guys would do sexual things for him via gay porn sites. I was devastated, immediate anxiety such pain I have never felt, I confronted him and he was so defensive told me I was invading his privacy and blamed me for insecurities from my past marriage and rough childhood. I kept quiet for a while secretly doing research on him but trying to understand how this could be possible, he is almost 40 and I am 30 I could see that this had been a pattern in his life. Over time everything was making sense and I had left several times he would beg that I come back everytime, pleading that he was not gay and he loved me so much and could not live without me, I love him so much that I came back everytime only to have this gut feeling arise shortly after. It’s hard for him to maintain the affection and attraction that’s just so obviously not there. I didn’t mention that he had no friends around him like most straight guys do, he had little to no contact with his family. I’m back with him after a breakup that lasted 4 months, it’s been a year an the gut feelings have come back well into the 3 or 4 months of this last year. He proposed to me very soon after we got back together, I love him! So I said yes, living and believing a lie so to speak. It’s now December 17th and I’m beyond heartbroken again. He had an extra phone in car that too no surprise was still working if he was around wifi, I took his car to the store and kept the phone to look into my gut feelings, I was able to log into his personal craigslist account and found a posting he had made for m4m saying… Let’s do some poppers and hot tubs and see what happens… I had never had solid evidence to this extent, I confronted him and he was defensive saying I won’t speak unless it’s in front of a counselor, i lost it one night and he finally admitted that he made the posting umm yeah there’s no denying that you did! But claimes nothing ever happened. I don’t believe that after all the things I’ve seen after all the obvious signs the gut feelings the anxiety in itself leaves me with rashes all over my body at times. We have not spoke in 3 days I have tried to talk to him kindly expressing to him that I hurt so bad he has not responded he has no emotion, I can’t sleep, he is fine or at least does not want to let the huge amount of pain And shame I know he is feeling show. I have too children 11 and 14 both girls and live with him. I have places to go but I am so lost so hurt so broken. I don’t no what to do, please help me.

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