An excerpt from the book Signs of a Gay Husband-Identifying Closeted Gay Husband Behaviors.
I want to share some letters from some of my straight wife sisters. I belong to a support group called straight wives club headed by Bonnie Kaye. I don’t know what I would have done, or where I would have been in my recovery without the support from these straight wife sisters. It takes time to heal and recover from these marriages. I’m sure none of us would choose to marry a gay man. We were deceived. These gay men married us to live a straight life, to hide the fact that they are gay. We wives are in the dark as they lead a double life. When we finally do realize the truth of our life it is so hard to come to terms with these truths. He never loved me. I was only a cover. It wipes away all the memories you had with this person, because for him it was all an act of deception. Once the marriage ends we are left to pick up the pieces of our lives while the gay husband seems to walk away unscathed. The following letters show how devastating these marriages are for women, who have been married to a gay husband.
Letter 1. The writer is one of my straight wife sisters. She has been in a 22 year relationship. She wishes to remain anonymous at this time.
THE GAY NARCISSIST
It’s really hard to know we’ve been betrayed and duped. That I was only here for 22 years to be his cover, nothing else.
When I met him if he’d of said the following I would have laughed and then run away……but they know that so they deceive us and steal our lives:
“Here’s the deal – I’m gay. I want to use you as a cover as I don’t want anyone knowing my secret. I will have some basic mechanical sex with you for 9 months, just so you bond with me, then it will stop. I will never kiss you again after that either. Nor tell you I love you. You will never have kids nor a family of your own. I don’t feel good being a homosexual so I will insult you and pick fault with your looks and everything I can find fault with, just so you accept the blame for me rejecting you. Your self-esteem will be so low you won’t want to socialize with anyone else. You will therefore stick with me as you will believe no one else will want you and I’m better than nothing. You won’t have the confidence to leave and go it alone. Although I’m smart and charming when I want to be, I will insult and rage at your friends so they disappear too. I will do the same to your mother. Only a few of the good ones will stick around and see you without me. I will not teach you to do things to make you IT savvy like me, nor teach you basic electrical things around the home, nor basic car maintenance as I want you to be dependent on me. It will increase your fear to leave. I have shallow emotions, have no personal insight and I cannot empathise. So I have no conscience for treating you badly and using you. I will make you cry. You will be sick alone. I will not tend to you if you are sick. I won’t bring you food nor water. You will have to crawl on your hands and knees to even get to the toilet. But I will bring you a sick bucket to your bed if you ask. You need to empty and clean it afterwards. I will ignore you when you call my name for help and turn the TV up to drown your attempts to reach me. When you are seriously sick call your mother so she can take you to the hospital. She can drop you off there but I won’t see you until you are well again. I’m not interested in sick people and I don’t like hospitals. Half-way into our “relationship” I will inherit a lot of money and be rich. However, I don’t want you to cost me money. Not ever. So make sure your career goes well so you can pay all your living expenses, pay your way in restaurants and pay for your own holidays with me. I like expensive holidays so you need to fund yourself. Never expect a deep and meaningful conversation as I’ve not got the capability to have one. I won’t feel romantic with you. I will not buy you Christmas presents nor birthday presents. I may not even remember your birthday. If you want a romantic meal on a boat on holiday you have to pay for your own dinner. I expect you to work full-time and take care of the house and clean up after me. I will never clean. You need to clean the toilet daily as I will leave it in a mess several times a day. If you decide to leave me I will not give you your legal entitlements to the estate. I expect you to leave with none of your entitlements and I will bankrupt you if you pursue legal action. Even though I will bring you to Australia from the UK, you will have to find the money to get you and your belongings home again if you want to leave me. Basically, I will blame you for what is my problem and resent you because I’m living a straight life. What do you say to our arrangement, how does that sound?”
Letter 2. The writer telling her story is one of my straight wife sisters Carol. She has been married almost 40 years.
I met him(I’ll refer to him as G) in 1966. I had just turned 21 years old. I was in nursing school at the time and was going to graduate in June of that year. I was kind of shy ..came from a small town,raised Catholic.. and fully committed to the notion that “good Catholic girls” ..were..well just that..good. I had occasional dates in high school..and later during nursing school,but never found anyone interesting enough to “fall in love with” So ..in other words I was very inexperienced when it came to men…However,looking back on it…I was certainly not unattractive, I was very slim…had many friends ..and could certainly hold my own in social situations. It was my intention to eventually use my nursing diploma to travel and work in many different places. California..was my first choice. But..for some strange reason I was drawn like a moth to a flame to what would become my husband..albeit 7 years later. He was cute looking,humorous..almost silly acting actually ..and he appeared to be very attracted to me as well. He called me to go to a party (or something..can’t remember the date details) within a few days after we met..I was thrilled and jumped at the chance to go. Thus began an on again /off again “courtship” (for lack of a better word) for up to 5 years. He broke it off at least twice,saying “I’m not ready to get serious about anyone yet”(he was nearly 7 years older than me..and had been in a seminary for the priesthood for a couple years before he met me)In the meantime,he was seen about town with many different women dates…and had pretty well established himself among friends and acquaintances as a playboy. By this time ,of course I fancied myself to be hopelessly in love with him..and had forsaken any “good Catholic girl commitment” within a couple of years after dating him. I was crazy about him..and had no previous sexual experience,so at the time I thought it was good..even though,looking back on it,he sometimes had trouble ..well ..getting satisfaction or whatever.. The 1st red flag completely escaped me. But..in all fairness to myself..homosexuality was rarely if ever discussed in those days..unless it was referred to in a cruel joke. Anyway…in spite of his desire to stay away..and my eventual acceptance of it..and a decision to just forget him..and carry on with my life..he kept coming back..an I took him back..and the rest is history. We even lived together for a year or so before marriage..and he so seemed like straight guy.He is not a big guy..kind of smallish actually..and has always indicated a low self-esteem …now I know the reason why. We had 2 children..a daughter,who was unfortunately diagnosed with schizophrenia when she was only 13..and a son who is fine and healthy.Over the years ..after we got married, he had a tendency to choose men who were much younger than him for friends..they were usually immature..and not very likeable to others who came in contact with them…especially me..and he would want to spend so much time with them . I worked full-time at the local hospital. He was often unemployed in between odd jobs here and there. ..and when he found a new “playmate” he had lots of time to “indulge“them..perhaps. One “friendship” in particular was questioned by our kids..and other family members. The guy was an ex con..who was ugly and sinister looking..tattooed ..smoked heavily (the gh hates smoking) and so forth ..and he tried to spend every waking moment with him..much to my dismay and disapproval. That relationship ended abruptly one day..and he never did offer a reasonable explanation as to why. When I discovered G’s ugly secret,I questioned his relationship with that guy..and he denied it,but..I know he was lying. We went to Cuba for the 1st time in the year 2000. I did not care for it as a place to holiday. It was ok for a one time visit..but..that was enough for me. While we were there G developed what seemed to be an ardent attachment to an 18 year old black Cuban boy who lived near the resort. It was odd,to say the least. My mother and daughter were there with us..and they both commented on his ‘odd” friendship with someone so young. I don’t know if it was a sexual relationship..but.. now of course my suspicions are roused. He loudly proclaimed his love of Cuba and its culture ever after that..and started going there occasionally on his own …starting in 2001…and in 2002(unbeknownst to me)he had met and started staying with 2 gay guys in Havana that year..and his trips there became ever more frequent. Then in 2006 we got a computer..and he started going to different cities there. He said he had met many friends there (all young black guys..whom he called “chicos” ) and on occasion they would call and ask him for money. I was stupid enough to trust him..when he told me they were very poor and needed money for their families(mother.father sisters etc). Once..in 2004..I went to Havana with him..stayed in a nice hotel there..and he kept going over to the slum area where his fag lover lived whenever the chico called and left me at the hotel by myself. OMG I was dumb !…but I did not know he was a fag yet(even though he had not “made love” to me for at least 10 years by then…I still didn’t get it…because I never…ever thought a gay man could even conceive of marrying a woman)).I discovered what a scumbag he was by accident. He was in Cuba..of course..in Jan. of 2012. I did not know where he was staying. I got word that one of his brothers had died. So..I went to his email inbox to see if there was an email confirmation from the place he booked to stay..I opened a message written in Spanish..used Google translate..and lo and behold…here’s what he wrote to one of his whores..”I can’t wait to feel your big black c**k in my ass again”. Needless to say…my world has been turned upside down after that one single moment. He was devastated to learn about my discovery of course…not so much I’m sure of the pain he has caused..and continues to just by being in my presence…but “it was all fun and games” until he got caught. There are 2 reasons why I’m still here..and they are our daughter ..with schizophrenia..and our son who is attending university in Vancouver ..as a mature student and doing very well..They don’t know about this…yet. And I would take a “proverbial bullet” for both of them. I’ve only confided in my sister,brother..and a dear friend..oh..and our family Dr. I’m seeing a therapist regularly…and first and foremost I have the wonderful SWC. I married someone who never really existed. He’s not going to Cuba anymore..but,his internet browser history indicates he..at 76 years old is still a lying,cheating,fag hypocrite.He has Florida to hide in now. He denies all my outright accusations with a silly outraged pretense He is too dumb to know browser history exists,so I possess that power over him..and have saved documentation on the computer to show his little world to all I will want it to concern when I deem it necessary to do so.That’s my sad and sorry tale of woe..and I wish I did not have to stick to it.
Letters by Sisters At SWC