The Truth Shall Set You Free by Debra Sutton


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It has been two and a half years since my divorce from my gay husband. I am just now coming out of the brain fog I was in from all the gay-lighting. The question I was facing is should I tell the truth about my gay ex. I told my family and a few close friends, but still felt embarrassed by the fact that I was unknowingly married to a gay man for 22 years. I was ashamed that I did not know all those years. I decided to go public with this. I needed to take back my power, because he controlled so much of what I did or said in the marriage. I hated to think that he could do this to another woman, as I know that many gay ex husbands go on into new marriages with women.

After I went public using social media I did receive phone calls from his mother threatening me with a law suit. I am finally free. I am free from the lies and shame that held me. I no longer feel loyal to this man who lied to me for so many years. It is hard for family and friends to understand what the wife of a gay man goes through. Unless you have been a straight spouse married to a gay man you can never really truly understand. These gay men married to straight women are hiding in these marriages. They put their wives through so much pain so they can stay hidden. I came out of this feeling like I had been brain washed, and it took a few years to be reprogrammed.

It is not for me to judge being gay as right or wrong, but it is wrong to lie and to manipulate another human being. I don’t believe a man who says at fifty that he just now realizes he’s gay. He has known for a very long time. He made a consciousness choice to marry a straight woman to hide the fact that he’s gay. In so many of these marriages when he does decide to come out no consideration is given to the wife he spent so many years with. The wives are left to suffer from the fallout emotionally and financially.

I don’t regret going public. I was able to give all the pain from the lies, and manipulation back to its rightful owner. The journey to recovery from these marriages is not easy. It takes time for your mind to work through all the deception. I dissected everything about my marriage. Signs I missed, how did I miss that? I had so many questions in the beginning. I have worked through most of them. I came out of this knowing the signs I missed.
The truth has set me free. I am no longer in hiding. I can share my truth, my story without shame.

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9 thoughts on “The Truth Shall Set You Free by Debra Sutton

  1. Hi Debra. I would love to be open about my husband too, but sometimes there are complications – it would mean in my case I would be making the decision for my kids too. I know my 17 year old son would be really embarrassed if his friends knew. He just tells them his Dad cheated on his Mum. Also, I still have to work with my husband in our joint business and it wouldn’t help me if everyone knew the whole story as I need them to respect him for the sake of our business… He’s really lucky that I can’t go public. Maybe one day. I have told a select number of people and they’re the people that count in my life so in that sense going completely public isn’t that important to me at the moment I suppose.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Becky,

      Its not necessary that you go public. You have children and a business together, that is certainly understandable. Do what is right for you, whatever will bring you peace, closure, and healing.

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  2. My husband finally admitted to having gay sex after I found his gay dating profiles. His liaisons were grubby cottaging episodes all of it unprotected. His preference was to be bottom which is the riskiest sex of all and then have unprotected sex with me. Which is why yesterday I was sitting in an STD clinic waiting for a full screening. I already know he has given me herpes type 2, I hope that everything else comes back clear.

    He admitted he was having gay sex before we married. (Including unprotected sex with a stranger a few days before we married) I asked him why he didn’t tell me and he said because you wouldn’t have married me.
    Damn right I wouldn’t have!

    He has had treatment for anger management, erectile dysfunction, porn addiction PTSD. But has not yet considered coming to terms with his sexuality.
    He is desperate for me not to tell and threatened me when I told my best friend why our marriage ended.

    I believe my husband is a narcissist whose true sexuality does not fit his projection of himself.
    I have, like I’m sure you all have, searched and read tons on the internet about this situation. I have just read comments on a gay website about a straight spouse being a bitch for outing her husband. This strikes me as odd. It would seem that the gay husbands struggle with his sexuality is the only suffering seen, the wife’s is completely overlooked. If a woman’s husband has sex with a woman and she tells everyone, it’s accepted. So why not if her husband has sex with a man? I would argue that if the LGBT community want complete acceptance to be treated exactly as everyone else then please do be treated exactly as everyone else. Don’t cherry pick what suits, when it suits. Do not use your sexuality as an excuse for inexcusable behavior to another human being. My husband was unfaithful, abusive, a liar, put me in physical danger of contracting multiple diseases and he is most certainly a coward, that’s his shame not mine, and I shall tell the truth of his infidelity with whomever I choose. My life should not just about his choices I am allowed to make my own.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally agree with you Lily. They made it our story to tell when they married is. It seems that they are all Narcissist. They don’t care who they hurt. They think they are the only one that has suffered.

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    2. Oh my dear part of your post seems very similar to an experience I had during my nearly twelve years with my gay-narcissistic ex… After discovering the truth I also got d some emails he had with a man… This is a man he had a relationship with before we married and then again had an affair with three years into our marriage… After that 7 month long affair my ex was running for a public office and his marriage became public, so he emailed this man at this time.. To apologize to him… To the man he chose to cheat on me with… During our engagement and marriage.. He continued on telling this man he ‘had me test when we had our eldest’.. There was so much more than that, even to the degree of another encou ter with thia man nearly 7 years after this email.

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  3. Hear, hear ladies. I think gay husbands are the most selfish people on the planet. Everything they do is about them and they just use other people for what they can get out of them. I think Lily’s husband is a despicable bastard – some of these men are worse than others and to have unprotected sex like that and risk the health and even put your wife’s life in danger should be classified as a criminal offence. Perhaps a lawyer could argue that it is grievous bodily harm (I don’t know what this is called in the US) – this is what it is called in the UK. A punch in the face is classified as an assault but willfully giving another person a disease is a lot worse.
    In terms of outing these men, I believe we 100% have that right – as Lily says, no-one would question this if they had cheated on us with a woman. I also have the suspicion that they probably do occasionally cheat with women. My husband denies this (‘How could you think it? You were the only woman for me ever!’), but I don’t believe him. I was suspicious about one or two women in the past (never men) and I think he was shopping around for a new one, because I wasn’t ‘doing it’ for him anymore, i.e. he had managed to have sex with me for so many years, but he was floundering and thought a fresh piece of meat might work for him better.
    He also knew I was upset that I seemed to suddenly get lots of wrinkles on my face in my 40s and he was really pushing the botox angle – ‘Go on! Treat yourself!’ he’d say at any opportunity. What you really need from your husband is for him to try and stop you and say you look beautiful as you are. Fat chance of that. I think he wanted me to look better as, as a narcissist, he wanted an attractive wife to show off, even if on the quiet, he was treating that same woman like shit and fucking men.
    Oh, by the way, I am very naive. When a man is described as ‘bottom’ does it mean that he gets anally penetrated and doesn’t anally penetrate men himself? Sorry to be so crude – but the words are nothing compared to what our lovely gay husbands actually do.
    And that’s another thing! My husband has always hated swearing, especially our children – he finds that so uncouth! The fucking cheek of it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Becky you are right about the bottom they are penetrated by another man called the top. They are all so narcissistic. There is nothing unique about any of them they all seem to be cut from the same cloth, or rag.

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  4. A few months ago I asked my husband to get a polygraph. Due to 8 years of only me initiating sex and him only doing it 1x per month. I stopped asking for sex and a few months passed. He also gave no gifts on any holidays. My husband was forced to tell me the truth to pass the polygraph. He disclosed he had been masterbating to porn often and going to adult bookstores for men only and having oral sex giving and receiving with men since he was 18 years old. He married me and lied about it all at age 33. In therapy he said his brother made him perform oral sex on him 1x at age 9. The therapist says because this occurred before puberty it can create a sexual imprint and cause him to be bisexual. So now he has had much therapy and we are in couples therapy. My husband could get it up when he was abstinent from men and porn 30 days. But for the last few months he cannot maintain any erection with me. I’m angry because I feel that he is still into porn or men. My husband swears he is not. We have a son who is 7 years old and I feel very protective of him during all of this. My husband has been diagnosed with sex addiction. It’s my understanding that if he recovers.. he may decide to be with men or women. My husband claims he is not gay and will not choose men. The frustration of all of this is so crazy!!!!! I’m scared to stay. Im scared to go. I’m scared to share visitation of our son. I feel stuck because I feel the need to help get my husband rehabilitated to his true sexual orientation…. because I do not want my son to have visitation with a sex addict…sex addicts can progress in their disorder to become child molesters. I’m feel so stuck.

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