Gay Husband Recovery by Debra Sutton


Gay Husband Recovery

I made a list of some things that have helped me on my journey to healing.
Healing and recovery take time. The amount of time it takes is different for everyone.

1. You did not make your husband Gay.

2. His homosexuality is in no way your fault.

3. Forgive yourself for not knowing.

4. Reconnect with family and friends.

5. Find support with women who have been through the same thing. Family and Friends don’t always understand. Don’t try to do this alone. There are many women who have been in your shoes, that truly understand.

6. Give yourself time to heal. It does
not matter how long it takes.

7. Reconnect with your spiritual self.

8. Take time for yourself to meditate or write whatever you enjoy doing.

9. Look up and read positive and inspirational quotes. Do this daily. You have been stuck in a negative situation for a long time. We need to retrain our brains to think positive.

10. Do something nice for yourself get a new hair cut, or manicure. Buy some new makeup lose weight. I gained 50 pounds in my marriage to the gay husband. My self-esteem was so low. We need to start feeling better about ourselves.

11. Read, educate yourself about yourself. Self-evaluate learn what made you a target for a gay disordered man to begin with. All of the women I have met are beautiful, smart, talented women. These gay men knew what they where getting, we did not.

12. Support Others who are going through the same thing.

I know it is a long journey to the other side. Please remember none of this is your fault. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. There is always hope. There is always a way.

There is no time limitation on grief. We all grieve for the loss of what we thought our husbands were. We grieve for an illusion, masterminded behind the mask of deception. Finally let go, only when you are ready.

I have come to believe that these gay men married us because they thought we could change what they are. They thought marrying us would put an end to their gay desires. They are ashamed of what they are. This is in no way our fault we must forgive ourselves for not knowing. The truth really does set us free.

Stages Of Grief By Psychology Today By Jennifer Kromberg PsyD September 11, 2013 based on the stages of grief written by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross M.D. 1969 on Death and Dying.


1. Denial

In this phase our heart rather than our head rules our belief system as we try to adjust to the idea of life without the person we’re losing. Even though we know the relationship is over, we really don’t believe it. Against the better judgment of everyone around us, we can’t help but entertain fantasies of things somehow working out. We see hidden glimmers of hope buried in clear indications that it’s over. Yes, this is the phase where we are most susceptible to late night texting.

2. Anger

Anger can manifest in many different ways – anger at your ex (“How could he do this to me? Why can’t she stop being selfish?”), anger at God or the universe (“Why can’t anything ever work out for me? Why am I cursed?”), anger at people or situations associated with the break-up (anger at the other woman; anger that your partner lost her job, because that is when she “changed”), and anger at other people who don’t agree or stand with your anger (“Can you believe George and Jane still want to be friends with him after what he did to me?”). This is the phase where we think it’s a great idea to tell anyone and everyone what a psycho-crazy vixen our ex was. This is also when we think it’s crucial to send our ex hateful emails because we don’t want him thinking he got away with anything.

3. Bargaining

Bargaining often goes hand in hand with denial. Bargaining can be looking for any possible way to make the relationship work through negotiation, threats, and/or magic – for example, telling your ex that you will change, or move or go to therapy, or telling him he is hurting the children, his family, your family, and the dog by leaving. And, of course, this phase is not only limited to bargaining with your ex. Many people bargain with The Powers That Be, promising to be a better person if only the ex will come back. During this stage, you may take a new interest in astrology, tarot cards or any type of voodoo that will forecast a reunion. This is also when we attempt to enlist all friends and family to “talk some sense” into him.

4. Depression

Depression, like anger, also surfaces in many different forms, for example feeling tired all the time, not wanting to do anything but lay in bed, feeling disconnected from people even when you’re with them, being on the verge of tears most of the time, trouble sleeping or sleeping too much, loss of appetite or overeating, increase in drug or alcohol use and (the big one) hopelessness. Hopelessness is the most pervasive and debilitating, It is the thing that leads us to believe that nothing will ever be or feel different than it is right now. Hopelessness makes it feel like you will never move on and that nothing will ever work out for you in the future.

5. Acceptance

Finally, this is the phase in which we are able to make peace with the loss. It doesn’t always come on suddenly; it often happens gradually, little bit by little bit, interspersed with some of the other phases. Acceptance doesn’t always involve harmony and flowers – there is almost certain to be lingering sadness. Acceptance entails making peace with the loss, letting go of the relationship and slowly moving forward with your life. Sometimes it feels like this phase will never come, which usually means you’re still struggling in an earlier phase.

Knowing your phases of grief can help normalize your break-up experience. It’s also important to know that there are no time limits and no rushing the process. Grieving is like digestion: there is nothing you can do to hurry it along. It takes time and the only thing you can do is try to get through it. But take heart in the fact that this, like everything else, will eventually pass.


5 thoughts on “Gay Husband Recovery by Debra Sutton

  1. Yes, Debra–forgive yourself. You don’t have to forgive them unless they are truly remorseful and make it up to you financially and emotionally. Thank you for being there for our women with words of inspiration and love! xoxoBonnie

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel like im on a constant rollercoaster of the “Stages”
    I’m leaving, I can’t leave yet, I’m outta here by next month, maybe I’ll wait a little longer until I save some money. And in between all that I’m depressed, I’m OK, them I’m back to miserable, them OK again.
    I have a friend who’s said SHE can’t do this anymore. (my oldest and closest friend) That it’s dragging her down into depression. Her lows are getting lower each time I wait…. (she has no idea what MY lows feel like)
    Anyway, is this normal? To be all over the place like I am???

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes Jar it it normal and until you make the move to get out, it is a roller coaster ride. Living in the marriage is toxic we experience depression and brokenness, which even makes it harder to get up and get out. Once you do get out you can begin to heal, and restore your life. I know how hard it is to make that step. It is worth it for ourselves.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s