Can Gay Couples Be Monogamous? by Debra Sutton


It was at the end of my 22 year marriage that my husband, who I did not know was gay at the time asked me this question.  Can gays live a monogamous life? I thought his question was odd at the time, but I still answered him.  I told him that I rarely see monogamy in gay men. I talked about the singer George Michael getting caught twice in public rest rooms.  George Michael did these things while in a steady relationship with a live in boyfriend.  I saw him in an interview with Oprah, his boyfriend was in the audience. Oprah asked him why he would behave like this when he had a boyfriend at home.  He answered that his boyfriend understood when the mood strikes him.  I guess they had an understanding.  So why did my husband ask me if gays can live a monogamous life.  I believe he met a man that he wanted to be with and he wanted my opinion on monogamy.  I think he wanted monogamy in his new relationship.

I did some research and found that while the gay community would like you to think that gay couples have the same morals and values as straight married couples this is just not the case.  The CDC shows that men who have sex with men are still at the highest risk for HIV. Gay men go through hundreds perhaps even thousands of sexual relationships in their life time.  The average relationship for a gay man last from one to three years.  I believe that a gay man coming out of the closet in his fifties is in for a lot of disappointment.

Monogamy must mean something different to gay men.  They usually have arrangements while in live in situations that allows for sex outside the relationship.  When a closeted gay husband comes out I think he has a lot of fear about what he is going into.  My gay ex husband tried to keep me hanging on for six months after our divorce just in case his new life did not work out.  Once I got out I was not willing to go back.  Women have asked is it possible that their gay husband did not act on his gay desires.  I don’t believe that is possible.  In my 22 year marriage I remained faithful.  I know that he did not.  I really don’t know what I was faithful to. Perhaps I was faithful to myself.


8 thoughts on “Can Gay Couples Be Monogamous? by Debra Sutton

  1. Debra, you were faithful to you–he was faithful to him and his desires. I know that some gay men don’t consider monogomy to be of the what a relationship is based on. Being unfaithful sexually is not necessarily a deal breaker. There are things we will never understand. Why? Because we are straight women! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can not imagine how painful it must be for a woman to devote so many years of her life to a man, only to eventually find out that it was all just a big lie. But please, do not generalize. There are gay-men who are decent, and who has a conscience. There are some gay men who just want to live a happy peaceful life together with ONE man. I beg you to take this into consideration before passing judgement on all gay men in the world.


    1. Espen i really do take that into consideration and do not judge all gay men in a bad way, because of what was done to me. I do talk about this in one of my post. I feel that there are gay people that live honest lives and just want to be happy. They are not out to hurt anyone. My problem is with the gay men in the closet and what they do to the women they marry. I spent 22 years unknowingly married to the gay husband. The closeted gay married man cannot be much kinder to his boyfriends. Espen I thank you for your kind words and thank you for reading my blog.

      Debra Sutton


      1. Thank you Debra. I do find your blog very informative and helpful. The reason why i am looking for information about gay men who pretend to be straight is because i was unfortunate enough to fall in love with such a guy. This was a very painful experience to me.

        When i met him i did not know he had a girlfriend. He was very flirtatious and attentive to me from the very beginning. Every time our eyes met his eyes sparkled. It felt like he was my soulmate, and i fell madly in love with him. We both liked each other so much. Then suddenly one day he dropped the bomb: he was going on vacation with his girlfriend. I was stunned and angry. I kept thinking to myself; “why are you flirting with me if you have a girlfriend?”. The funny thing is that even after he told me about his girlfriend he continued to flirt with me, and at one point he even made an sexual advancement towards me. I turned it down because i just could not be with a guy who was in a relationship.

        This happened to me a few years ago, but i still can not forget him. Every time i think about him, it makes me both sad and angry at the samme time. He has moved away from our little town, and i dont think i will ever see him again. He still lives with his girlfriend i have been told.

        Even though my experience was painful, i assume it must be nothing compared to the pain that a woman must feel when she finds out that her husband/boyfriend has lied to her for so many years. What these men are doing is unforgivable.

        Kind regards


      2. Espen i am sorry for what you went through as well. This is my point. The closeted gay man hurts everyone he is involved with. He wants to live in both worlds. How can anyone live an authentic life living a lie? You are right not to get involved with someone that is married. It only brings heartbreak.



  3. Yes, they do hurt everyone. They want to have their straight marriage/relationship as a pretty facade who others can admire. At the same time they want to have sex with other men. These men can never be authentic or real. They are incapable of loving anyone except of themselves. They lie, cheat, and steals other people’s happiness.

    No woman deserves to lose so many precious years of her life to such a man. I admire your strength to overcome something that traumatic in such a dignified manner.

    Kind regards

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank You So Much Espen i appreciate your honesty. I know there are straight men that lie and cheat also. Maybe one day we will live in a time when people are no longer afraid to be who they are. It was very hard to come to the realization that nothing was real in my marriage. Thanks to kind and honest people like you i am healing.


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