Closeted Gay Narcissism by Debra Sutton


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The Marionette by xetobyte.diviantart.com

It seems that so many closeted gay husbands are narcissist. The narcissist creates a false self because they are empty they have cut themselves off from the true self. The closeted gay husband creates a false life cutting themselves off from their true sexual orientation. They cannot face what they are so they build a false life suppressing and denying that they are gay. I believe they even deny their sexual orientation to them self. This is why even when they get caught with gay porn or Craigslist personal ads looking for men they still deny that they are gay. They create a straight identity. They can be married and have their family but still be out looking for men on the side. They compartmentalize keeping their gay sex acts separate from their family life.

My ex gay husband was not diagnosed with NPD, but had many narcissistic behaviors. Everything was always about him. He was a depressed type that blamed his problems on everyone else. He never took personal responsibility. He always had an excuse and even used down on his luck stories to garner sympathy. He resented others if they had more than him, or were more educated than him. He blamed his parents for not sending him to college, but never made any attempts to go to school. He talked ad nauseam about his coast guard days. He would listen to the news constantly to have news worthy things to talk about, using generic words and phrases in conversations. When he went to the doctor he would try to talk to the doctor as if he were a colleague instead of a patient. It was if he could not stand silence he talked constantly. I could not even take a phone call from my kids who were in another state without him interrupting and talking to me while I was on the phone. One of his favorite phrases I can’t help the hand of cards that were dealt to me. I could not even display pictures of my children in our home without him getting angry.

I walked around on eggshells all the time never knowing when I would say or do the wrong thing. I was in counseling while we were married and he would start big fights when I had to go to my session, because he said I was going to talk about him. Near the end of marriage all the life was drained out of me. I did not think I could get back up. Once a narcissist drains the life out of their victim the victim is discarded. They need new narcissist supply you are no longer useful to them. I became a shadow of my former self. In my misery I gained 50 pounds. I was no longer young. I had some physical problems. I suffered a knee injury and the knee was not stable. He hated taking me to the doctor. I was no longer useful to him, so I was discarded.

All the years I had stood by him, taken care of him through treatment for Hep C meant nothing. He did not owe me honesty, or a fair divorce. He stripped me of everything. If at any time during my marriage I found out he was gay I would have left. He played so many mind games. He took 22 years from me. Time I can never get back. He robbed me of the chance of finding someone who could truly love me.

These gay/straight marriages are so damaging to us wives. The gay husband does not feel empathy. He only thinks that he has suffered. That he gave up his years for you. I want to encourage any woman who finds herself in this situation to get out before it destroys you. There is a whole new life waiting for you out there. A better life one where you are fulfilled and respected as a woman.

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73 thoughts on “Closeted Gay Narcissism by Debra Sutton

  1. Sadly, these men waste years of your life and take away your dignity, self-esteem, and sanity. You have articulated this so beautifully, Debra. It shows they can beat you down, but you’ll come up fighting because you are a woman of strength and beauty. You are a winner–he was a real loser.

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    1. Mel i understand wanting proof. I never got an admission, but did find gay porn stored in the computers history. They explain this away blaming the wife, saying you clicked on so many links we now have a computer virus. Some will never admit they are gay.

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    2. Mel, I found out on my own. I was at an all time low with his gaslighting and abuse, but something finally clicked in me and I realised it wasn’t me that had the problem. He had a blackberry phone ( mine in fact) I took out the data card used a micro card reader and found gay porn downloads. Only his own camera photos were encrypted..In addition by using recuvva software (which is free) I found his deleted files, more gay porn. I removed the hard drive from his laptop (see youtube) bought a sata cable and plugged the drive into my computer again using recuvva. Doing this bypasses the need for a password. I highly recommend reading ‘is he lying to you’ by Dan Crum…best investment ever, using his techniques I managed to get a lot of information (but not all) out of my husband, the cottaging, the other men, the profile on squirt.org…he still wont admit hes gay. Be aware though that proof will bring you relief that you were right, the proof itself is devastating

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      1. Lucy thank you for the information. I think it will be very useful to our readers. You are right the proof is devastating. I would rather have the truth with the proof to back it up, than go one more day living his lie.

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    3. You don’t need proof. Get out. I waited for proof. 27 years. Now I’ve been discarded, older, much older and only a shell of my former self…. And he is excited about starting his new gay life. With no care as to how I feel.

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  2. My husband has Hep C and I have suspected he was gay for years. He just talks about other male friends with such a gleam in his eye. He hates women in general. He constantly criticizes women’s bodies even though he is over-weight. I can’t believe I allowed this narcissist to con me. I feel so deeply ashamed that I invested my life, future, money, and child with a person who sees me as an object. He loves to humiliate me. I am finding it very hard to “help myself” under the constant degradation of his superiority. ….I friggin HATE him.

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    1. Sindy these closeted gay husbands steal years of your life. Most of them will never admit they are gay. I was so down before I left 3 years ago, I did not think i could get back up. The years took a physical toll as well. I was a shadow of my former self, even my physical appearance changed living in such abuse. I felt shame too for allowing this. Put a plan together. Get out as soon as you can, dont allow him to waste anymore of your years.

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    2. I feel foolish and stupid for denying some of this for so long. I saw signs but couldn’t believe it. When I confronted him, he sat and looked at the ground in silence. I don’t need proof. After a year of living without him, I can look back and see it all. It’s undeniable. I think the reason we all think or thought we should have proof is because it’s so shocking we are afraid we’ll be wrong. Get out now. I wasted 46 years of my life. EPIC FAIL.

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      1. Once we are out of it we can look back and see it all. Your right it is so shocking and we are afraid we might be wrong. We weren’t wrong! We were right and it was never us who had the problem, although they try to blame us for everything wrong in their lives. What these men did is horrible and inexcusable. There is no remorse from them. They don’t care about what they did to us. These men were horrible husbands. And they were never our friend. Yes I agree Get out now. Don’t waste anymore of your life.

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  3. I thought the photograph of the woman being played like a puppet was very striking. To think that that is how we are treated, and we don’t have any idea. When I found out this year that my husband of 20 years was gay I was stunned and so was everyone who has been told – note: he is still mostly in the closet. I saw his Facebook page recently and he actually joked with someone in a different context: ‘Get out of the closet!’ The awful irony wouldn’t even occur to him.
    Debra, it is true what you say about the compartmentalising of the act. When I found out he’d been having sex with men – it was a bolt from the blue and I had incontrovertible proof, so I didn’t need to investigate like other wives – he protested: ‘But it’s a tiny part of me!’ He has led a complete double life and will only admit to encounters during the few months pre-discovery, so it could have gone on during the whole marriage. Who knows when you’re dealing with a liar so accomplished that they lie to themselves?
    I’ve also been reading about narcissism and find the book I have completely gripping as I see so many facets that accurately describe my husband – notably, the false self and the sense of entitlement…

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    1. Dear Becky,

      The woman on the string depicts the way that I felt during my 22 year marriage. I was always working on the marriage trying to fix the problem, when i was so unaware of the problem that truly existed. While i was going to counseling to fix me, he was living his double life. While we were in counseling together, he was living his double life. There were doctors appointments and test ordered on his testosterone level, test he never went to have done, because he knew he did not need these test. We moved from one problem to the next. Problems he had with depression and medication. The list of problems never ended. He was diagnosed with Hep C two years after we married, he went on treatment for that. What the closeted gay husband does to his wife is soul shattering. I agree about the false sense of self and the entitlement. I don’t think they give a second thought about what they have done to us.

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    2. Mine lies like I breathe and he’s a quiet soft spoken covert narcissist so he’s really good at it. One lie and another to cover but once I started looking, it was all there. Then the male lover called me to tell me. My husband couldn’t see why him calling was such a big deal…. Shocking lack of consideration and reality. It’s not being Gay. It’s using up my entire life on a lie. Sickening.

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      1. Yes I do know how you feel they did use our lives. They lied about who they are. We never had real love from them. We were used so they could appear straight. It horrible what these men do.

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  4. No they don’t have any real remorse. My husband wasn’t wracked with feelings of guilt so much so that he had to confess. On the contrary, he slept like a baby and only now he’s been found out does he have trouble sleeping. To me, that’s the wrong way around.
    I’d also just like to say ‘hi’ and a big thank you to Bonnie as well, if she reads this. Your blog Bonnie has been a fantastic and essential aid to me during these dark days. Maybe one day I can get myself over to the USA and come to one of your conferences. My 15-year old daughter has said she’d also like to come!
    Thanks to you both for putting this stuff out there. I hope to get to know you both as time goes on. Lots of love.

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  5. I have been extensively researching narcissism for past few days. It’s been a few months since my breakup with an ex who I knew 2 years ago when we lived in same country. I moved away and we broke up. Before I had left, and even after I did….I had gotten all sort of strange vibes from him. I witnessed his plotting, his schemes for attention and for securing female narc supplies in front of my eyes and would become so jealous. After I moved back home I started seeing him differently, I knew something was off about him…we both cut each other off but were still on each other’s social space.

    1 year later he contacted me completely out of the blue and insisted on a relationship. It was almost like all my deep desires came true. I accepted with hesitation but unfortunately caved in at the thought of being with him.
    I went through the exact stages of any relationship with a narcissist…where initially you are flattered. He spent the first month flattering me…when I didn’t give in to sex ( on cam) when I eventually did….he started taking it for granted then started disappearing on me a few days later.

    Then came time to meet him in person after so much time apart ( since it was now long distance) we had sex the first night we met. It felt so emotionless….specially considering we had United after so long ( he had made it seem like he had missed me alot during the time we weren’t in touch hence my excitement over reunion). It felt like sex was some sort or routine, something he knew which buttons to push, how and for how long…and he seemed to lack interest in how i may have been feeling. His gestures in bed appeared a bit gay and he made a comment or 2 about gay related sex that same night (but pretending to be joking) but I couldn’t help but feel he may have been closeted. My instincts slightly told me that.

    After my visit I was expecting to put him in the past since we discussed that due to distance but he didn’t want to quit on my supply so soon. He started getting sweet the days after I came home and stopped initially contact. Almost like he couldn’t stand that I wasn’t dying over him. Sad but a few days into it I caved in started giving loads of attention and eventually after a few weeks I had no power or control left in me. It was all drained out of me including hours of efforts on helping him personally, even sending him some money via credit union (thank god it was a very small amount….I’m sure he must have hoped for much larger sum). When I was drained of my power I was almost sure the break up was coming so I was mentally preparing to break up with him but when I eventually spoke he was on same page. I was sad after break up because of how much I invested in him. But boy after discovering how many narc tendencies he has I’m ever so grateful for it all. I just saw he has long moved on…has got a new gf aka narc supply since it had barely even been 1 month of break up ( I’m pretty sure he must have been cheating atleast part of the relationship NO DOUBT about that.

    I feel sorry for her. A ) if he’s a closeted gay and B) for all the torture and abuse that is yet to come. Even if she is a narc herself and it works out…I’m just glad the narc didn’t completely destroy my empath spirit.

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    1. Dear Zershia,

      I am so sorry for all you have been through and hope you are growing stronger each day. It will take time to heal. Be kind to yourself and give yourself all the time you need. Take time to learn about yourself so that you don’t repeat patterns with these same types. My heart goes out to you.

      Big Hugs,
      Debra

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    2. Hi Zershia,

      I am not sure if you will see this, since it’s been over a year. However, your post really resonated with me. I just recently ended a toxic relationship with a man that I’m now convinced is gay. From what you described, we could have been dating the same man! Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I understand how you were feeling in this situation. It really messes with your head…

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  6. I can’t believe I found this page. I’ve been thinking this about my husband for a few years now – we’re plutonic roommates/friends instead of husband and wife – he sleeps on the couch for the past 6-7 years – LOADS of phone time (like 40+ hours a month) with guys, mostly 1 guy in particular, who I’ve long suspected is gay or bi. And he hasn’t worked for the past 17 years so while he’s home at night he has all day to do whatever. And yup, I’m always at fault, it’s always someone or something else. But I get the brunt of his fits and snits. After 22 years I deserve better. I’ve tried telling myself my mind is in overdrive and none of this is true, but I can’t shake this feeling that he’s not into women – he’s certainly not into me. Maybe 10+ years of husband-imposed celibacy isn’t a bad thing.

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    1. Dear Sad Wife,

      I am so sorry for your pain. Staying in these marriages only brings more pain and confusion. It feels like slow moving death. Every day spent there is a day you can’t get back. You have to know you do deserve better. My heart goes out to you. Please know you are not alone. There are support groups online. The straight spouse network. You can also contact Bonnie Kaye she has a support group at BonKaye@aol.com

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    2. I can read your pain that I too have felt. I didn’t exist unless it was to blame for something or vent his seething anger on. He did everything he could to hurt me emotionally and physically. Everything I cared for was damaged by him. I was married for 46 years and stopped sleeping with him at the 30 year mark. There was no point and it made me empty and feel ugly and unwanted. Out of 50 years, we had sex under 25 times. He tried to convince me people over 30 don’t have sex, and then sat in silence when I tried to talk to him about it. Finally, he told me I am too crazy to have sex with. I asked him what differentiated him from a person on the street in my life. No answer. He simply wanted me to go away or at least shut up and just clean his house, wash his clothes, earn the living for us (he kept getting fired) and shut the hell up and go away afterward. He’s hated me for 50 years and he let me know it. I asked him once why he married me and that was met with silence just like everything else. Vile man. My life began when I threw him out. Covert narcissistic Gay man. He first cheated on me when we were married just two months. He never stopped and then 8 years ago the males arrived on the scene.

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      1. Judy I’m so sorry for your pain, 46 years is a long time. I am so glad to hear you are out of the marriage. These men have no remorse for the damage they cause. My gay ex wasted my life, and I feel like you my life began when I got away from him.

        Healing is a process that takes time. Once they are out of your life you can begin to heal. We have to make ourselves a priority now and move forward.

        I hope you have someone you can talk to. There are support groups for women that have been through the same thing. Look on my resources page on this site and I have a list of support groups.

        Best Regards,
        Debra

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  7. Hello Ladies, 5 months ago I was “discarded”, having come across and read many self help sites I now realise that my ex was a narcissist and I have also now discovered that he is in fact gay and uses women as a shield. I am so grateful to sites like this, I have for the past month felt more like myself, stronger and determined to start my life and be happy. So thank you Debra and much love to all going through confusion/hurt/pain. Your true self will prevail….

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  8. Dear Nicole,

    I agree with you these men are time wasters who can not face their own truths. I would run in the other direction. These men end up tearing you down in relationships. When they are done you really have to rebuild yourself. They are toxic. It is good that you can see through him.

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  9. Debra, I was in a farce of a marriage that I thought was real and totally truthful for my first 12 years. Then things started changing leaving me feeling very alone in my married life with family to raise mostly alone even when he was home, it lasted 39 1/2 yrs. I discovered only in the last 6mos. before I finally confronted my now EX that it all was due to his closeted double life and his Narcisisstic career expectations. I endured his being gone much of our first half of the marriage as he was a Naval Officer. After retiring from the Navy( 24 yrs. service). He then worked Government Service and Government Contracting. I finally put together that the man I fell in love with so many years before was distant, detached, void of real caring and love for me and had become a full blown Narcissist with NPD. Unfortunately they don’t ever see themselves as having any personality problems. The finger always points at others especially at the one that they manipulate and abuse the most. NPD is rarely diagnosed due to the fact the the one with the disorder doesn’t have the problem in their opinion. They would never get counseling of any kind.

    I could say so much more but it’s too much to write here and I am moving on away from all the lies and deceit. The best part of my adult years that pertain to my own personal relationship with the man I married and vowed to stay with until death were the prime adult years of my life. ( We were both raised Roman Catholic). I took my vows before God seriously and tried my best to figure out was went wrong, or was not good enough about myself. I always figured I was doing something wrong or not enough.
    I am so tired of all the Coming Out crap we have today. The so called reasons for the poor misunderstood persons who could not be honest with themselves and lied about everything moral and important in life. Then they blame everyone else for their issues, sexual orientation or any other disorder in their life. Denial, deception, betrayal, lack of integrity, lack of truth, homophobia, anger, abusive behavior all of it!

    We need more love and support for those of us, Male and Female Spouses who have had to endure while we kept on giving, loving, caring nurturing sacrificing and aging while it all kept being the “Great LIE”. Then only to find out it was a terrible death of our world as we knew it, and had hoped for it to be in the future. Everything we worked so hard for then it all imploded. The family totally changes, the dynamics of that most important to us totally gets wiped out.
    Thank God my children are adults and at least they did not get caught up in the contentious Divorce Process too much. My Divorce was a nightmare. M. NPD plotted to have me get nothing, he wanted to kick me to the curb like I was garbage. He had no nice feelings, had no respect at all for me and blamed me for everything that was not right or happy in his life. Only thanks to my inheritance from my dead Parents was I able to afford to fight it out in Court and stand up for myself. That’s trial through Hell and if you can’t mediate any of the settlement like decent human beings then a complete stranger decides all for you.

    I live in a more rural and remote area and I basically had to weather all on my own with the help of a few good, loyal, best friends and my children to be my support system. That and my faith, and the solid upbringing from my parents. I talked with them and God in my prayers many many times and asked for strength and guidance. My loving pets, especially my dog helped me quite a lot as well. That unconditional love is everything.

    You grieve and mourn the loss of what your life had been but wasn’t. Also what it never will be that you had imagined and worked toward. You get angry about many aspects. You sink into a black hole and try very hard to hold on until a tiny speck of light begins to shine in the blackness. It takes many days and weeks of one step forward and 3 months going backwards or sinking farther down again into the dark pit of despair. After being numb and tired of feeling bad and sad, eventually you start to make a new life for yourself with new dreams. It seems like it takes forever depending on daily circumstances. Everything changes even the things with your children and their new so called Dad’s partner or partners referring to them as their children. That’s the worst blow of all! The most painful hurt, no matter what their age. Or having your Daughter get married in the early throws of the separation and divorce.

    We need care, respect, love, and understanding for all we have endured and survived.
    We are human beings and have value too. We did not cause our Spouses to cheat and lie about the most Sacred things in our lives. We were Used and Abused and Deceived about everything! That’s the bottom line, period!

    I’m Sorry, but I don’t believe someone doesn’t know about their Sexuality until they are 65 or older before they decide to come out of their deceptive closet! The Pro who chooses to live a Double Life is very much able to manipulate everyone with their deceptions. What Actors! They deserve the Oscar Statue! It’s all a premeditated, deliberate deception for their own selfish sake! All of it, totally and for years!

    Can we stop making so many excuses for this immoral and in human behavior! Own your lies, be accountable for the destruction you have born. Stop being a Coward in life. You murdered a way of Family and life for others, Own that you Closet deceivers! Show some respect for the good there was for all our history of Family. It wasn’t just the two of us that got mutilated! Think about that and try asking for forgiveness, try having some accountability and humanity. You deeply hurt those you supposedly loved like you wanted to be loved. Be selfless not selfish and self centered.

    Someday I hope to find total forgiveness, that does not mean I’ll forget. … I hope to find a true relationship with a good man. I hope I am not too old and I can still enjoy all a loving, caring, respectful relationship will bring. Just be comfortable and happy with another human being in the most intimate way, in every way.
    God Bless all who have had these kinds of life experiences. Believe, live, love and find your true self and be happy. Give yourself a hug and LOVE often.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dorothy, I am so sorry to hear you endured almost 40 years married to a closeted gay narcissist. They don’t care who they hurt, they feel they are the injured party. They lack the capacity to empathize. I am happy to hear you are free of him. It’s never too late to start over. We can move on with love, honesty, and truth something they will never have. God Bless you Dorothy. Big Hugs.

      Sincerely,
      Debra

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      1. Thank you, I am still in my healing process and I know I am better now for finally having the strength make it through everything and to talk about it. I am also very fortunate I am still here as at the end of my marriage I was starting to fear for my life a bit when I had to wait almost 4 months for the Courts to make him move out. The mental and emotional abuse also threats of physical abuse were escalating. I couldn’t move out, I was not employed and almost 60 yrs. old at the time. I had no where else to go and if I had moved out I most likely would have ended up with zero assets to live on. He didn’t want me to get or keep anything at all. Not anything of joint value or even my personal belongings. I was totally devalued.
        I feel by writing this in respect to your article I have been able to exorcise myself of trapped related feelings and truths that needed to be let out and shared with others who may have or be going through similar life events and pain.
        Please know even in the absolute worst and darkest times while feeling great loss and pain there is an end to all that, there are New beginnings and a better life. Stay strong even when you feel too weak or down to endure anything more. There will be a new light and fresh starts. You have the power within yourself to make it. You are your best friend and know what you must fight for to have a future. Everything will be better and new life comes in wonderful increments, sometimes small and far between, but to be realized and appreciated. The Cancer is gone! ; )

        Remember to Thank God and true friends who are there to listen when you need them. You will end up stronger and much happier in the long haul.
        Dorothy

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      2. Dorothy I’m glad you are finally able to write about it. It will help others to read what you have written. We have much in common I will be 60 this year. My husband wanted me out of our home. The house was in both of our names so I didn’t have to leave. The abuse got so bad, I had to get out. I got on a plane leaving our home and all of my belongings, including my clothes. I moved moved back to my home state of Texas where my family lives. I lived with different family members for a year and a half until I could afford to get my own place. He told me I better not ask for alimony we were still in the same house when we filed for divorce. The abuse was so severe I did not ask for a dime. There were times I feared for my life. I have been divorced 4 years now. I am at peace now away from him.

        Dorothy thank you for sharing your story here. You are with friends. Big Hugs. xoxoxo

        Debra

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      3. Wow Debra, We do have very much in common with our time line and horrors of getting out of a bad situation. I have been divorced now 3 1/2 yrs. and still dealing with details of divorce settlement not realized. I hate having to go back to see Lawyers or go back to Court if I can’t get satisfaction about some legal issues. They are important issues that need to be settled for health care coverage for me for my life’s term. We fought hard to get it, still not being realized. I am now 65 and between the DOD Gov’t and Navy also Social Security to get my half and medicare it’s been a challenge. Always more paperwork and marriage/divorce papers needed. Some Military documents I can only get via my Ex. He he were deceased there would be no problem filing but since he is living I have to get what I need from him. He has to do certain paperwork and filing. So you can see the problem. It will get done, but something that should be simple becomes a big issue and costly to to get it done.
        People say to me all the time about my situation and the length of time it took before I was aware of who he really was,” Didn’t you know or have any idea about his being Gay?”
        No, I didn’t. Not until the circumstances all of a sudden were too out there for me to find. ( I believe that was set up by him for me to finally see it).
        Due to our separations from life in the Navy and his general always needing more sleep and his low libido forever…. even right from the start, I didn’t ever think his being Gay was the situation. I had been a professional Actress in the Theater on Broadway and worked with so many Gay people. My Ex never ever showed any signs of being Gay. He actually was very much a real heterosexual acting male. In jokes and statements he made many times against Gays he actually acted as a Homophobe. He had health issues later in our marriage that made having any intimacy in our life rare. ED was a factor. Then it became zero.
        I did have two wonderful children by him. I was being the faithful wife and long term marriages take work all the time. There are many ups and downs and one partner usually has to do more to keep things in balance. That was mainly me. It was only after he retired from the Navy that life began to get negative and he became a real narcissist. As we aged it became worse and more in the open. He is never happy and drinks too much as well plus has many health issues.
        He was not like that when we were in our first 10 years. We also were not together all that time either due to deployments. So I felt as I got older and not so young and beautiful as I was back in the early days, he valued me less and less. He used me for his career and I was a trophy wife for him. Then when things didn’t go his way on his plan he started to blame me for everything he was unhappy about.
        He never wanted to talk about our life and our future. Never was there a moment to think about our family and what we all needed or wanted as we moved forward. The dreams were never our dreams, it was only what he wanted. When I began to say no, we need to look at the picture for both of us, he’d get angry and abusive. I was a possession not his life partner. He acted as if he owned me. I was told so many times, “I put a roof over your head”………
        Anyway, It’s much better for me to not be in that kind of relationship any longer. It’s unfortunate it took so many years for us to realize it would never be a true relationship. I was lied to all the way, he was very convincing and good at deceiving everyone. Our families and closest friends didn’t ever guess. They were shocked! I have basically lost having any interaction with his family, they have not once tried to contact me. Our parents had passed away before it hit the fan, I am thankful for that actually. It would have been hard for them to grasp. Many of our mutual friends apparently were too uncomfortable to stay in touch, at least with me. You find out how many real friends you have in life for sure. At least the ones who are still here are the best forever kind.

        So there are many lessons and heart aches. But I am still me and a better, stronger, older and wiser me. I hope to not have terrible trust issues along my new journey. I am walking softly there and have not made any new serious personal relationships as of this time. I’m just taking each day one at a time and doing what I must for myself now. I’m taking care of me.
        Hugs and support to you, Sister with a common life’s test and story. Give yourself a big hug and validation for having great strength and courage. Only some of us can know what it has been. We do have value and a future.
        Dorothy

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      4. I just checked out your book and have ordered it on my i pad. Just reading some of the opening chapter made me see so many things I lived with and could not figure out. I will read from cover to cover and maybe get more good insight to what it was all about and it was not me. I always felt something was wrong after we started our life together. It took even longer because we had way too many separations due to Navy career and my Touring when I was still working on stage. I felt his non intimacy and non initiating of our sex life odd and that I was doing something wrong. It was like he was inexperienced with sex and being a good lover. I read in the first list so many things I can identify with right down to destroying my flower beds and shrubs. Wow I guess I was really blind to how much controlling and breaking down was going on with him and us. He came from a very dysfunctional family. Funny my mother warned me before I was married about his Father. Abusive and controlling and an alcoholic Narcissistic person. Very old world German and controlled his wife and family with money and macho sports behavior. Always had to win at everything and threw tantrums when he didn’t. I said my then love/ fiance was not like that! “He was different and wonderful.” Wow, was I wrong!
        I will devour this book and maybe get some answers or at least feel validation for all I went through and felt guilty about being so responsible for. It was not me or my doing!
        I tried my best to make my home and Family have the best in every way and then felt I totally failed. I don’t have a homey family life any more. My children are grown and living their lives the best they can now. It’s all very changed and very different with Family now. I was raised that Family was the core of ones life all else was secondary except God. He is at the head of everything. I struggle with organized religion but I have a deep spiritual faith and relationship with my creator. I would not have survived without this faith.

        Thank you for being able to write about all this. It’s so needed for helping others going through it all.
        Dorothy

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Dorothy I’m glad you ordered the book and hope it helps. It’s so strange about them destroying our flowers and shrubs, another straight wife said her gex did this too. I guess they couldn’t stand to see us enjoy anything in life, they wanted to destroy. I believe in God too and my faith has kept me going. I know they tried to make us feel like all the problems in the marriage was our fault, but we were never to blame. They tried to destroy our self esteem and perhaps they did for a time, but we will rise from this stronger than ever. Thank you Dorothy.

        Debra

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  10. It is so true they talk bad about women and use us but the sad part about this is they can never love anybody they will do it to anybody that crosses his path becaubecause they are miserable in the inside because no matter about the gay part nobody even wants them and you waste your life even to try understand they not worth anybody love because who would do that to you as a woman it all comes back on them they be stuck by themselves because I wouldn’t dare want anything that do that to any human being

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  11. I living with à Man who wont admit hé is gay hé à compulsive liar cheater hé dispears thé whole night .hé left his cell open so i went through his email i saw hé was subscride to à gay site i saw pictures hé delated of his penis i havent had sex its been six months before thé sex was crap hé give no pleasure no oral sex hé just wanted me to give him oral sex hé doesnt touch me .i so mad because i confronted him hé says im crazy jeaulous hé wont admit anything my self esteem his destroyed i feel ugly fat not sexy not wanted i do everything and i get nothing from him why?

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    1. Anne he is gay, living with a closeted gay may will destroy your self esteem and leave you feeling broken. Please know there is nothing wrong with you. These men hide behind women and break them down. I would get out as soon as you can. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. There are support groups on line for women going through this. You are not alone.

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    2. Anne,
      I was married to a closeted gay man for almost 40 yrs. I always thought I was doing wrong or not doing the right things. He became a totally narcissistic person as he aged. He was not that way when we were young and first married that I could tell. I’d say he has NPD now just like DJTrump. My Ex was a former career naval officer and gone much of our early marriage years. I had no idea he was gay. Never gave it a thought.
      Everything is a falsehood, all lies and denial. Control is a huge factor with emotional and psychological abuse it happens all the time to keep the lie and cover up going. The life he is living is all fiction and you are living in a false reality. It is NOT YOU! You cannot fix or change any of what he is. Especially being with a closeted gay married person who is playing the role of a heterosexual man. He is in denial and afraid to come out to himself and the world.
      He will never give you what you deserve and need as a woman. The respect is not there and he only thinks about himself….. I could write chapter and verse for a huge book on this. I felt so stupid for so long and my self esteem got torn down too much because I kept trying to get to the real issue. I thought I wasn’t enough and I could fix things. Times weren’t always bad because he knew just how to play me when things were getting too far off he’d pull me back in through the love I had for him and the upbringing i was raised with. Divorce was the last and ultimate failure. I was also raised Catholic and it just was not an option. When I find out and confronted him about what I finally realized, I was blown away, and shocked. At first he denied it then the evidence couldn’t be denied. I’d been duped for so many years. Then he got really angry and nasty! He tried to blame all on me and got so ugly that there is nothing I want to do with this person.
      So don’t let that happen. Let go and know you are deserving of the real life and real honest love. We all want to experience this in life. We all want to have a real relationship, true partnership based on love and respect and caring.
      I’d say these men are mostly narcissists and they are totally selfish. They never think what they are doing or have done to others that they are hiding behind. You need not give up the best years of your life that way. I used up at least 29-30 of the best years of my life trying to fix a broken non- real relationship/ marriage. Don’t you do that!…. If you feel bad and not respected and unloved…. get out! There is life beyond it and it is so much better too. Even alone. You can do it!
      I have weathered it,I’m still dealing with some issues, mostly back flash things, but I am much better off and happier too. I spent far too many years in an unloved limbo due to family values and children. I made up for alot of things this man did not do for any of us. I basically was the good Mom and made him look good too. In the beginning and through my early 40’s I was the perfect trophy wife for him. After my children both left the nest and were off on their own lives I decided I could not lve with what my life had become and be so alone in it.I even suffered from loneliness in a marriage as it can become a terrible depression and disease. I self questioned what the real problem was,searched and researched the evidence and came to the hard real answers…. The up side was it was and is not me nor my fault. I worked very hard to have a beautiful, happy home and marriage. It was never enough!
      I have not met or even looked for another relationship. I am just getting on with my life as a new, better and self sufficient woman…. We are strong, we are not alone and we can still have a wonderful life.
      I am now 66 yrs. old and have many dreams I am working on to make into realities. My life is positive now. This is So much better than whatI was living when I was still under the control of a Narcissistic Closeted Gay Husband. …. Best wishes to you and I hope you know you are not alone or crazy or bad or ugly!………… You have been abused and lied to in every way! You be strong, be a Nasty woman, ( a new meaning today) stand up and say to yourself I am good, I am smart, I am beautiful, I care about many things, I am love. Love yourself!…. God Bless and give yourself a hug!
      D.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Dorthy G, you have described all that we go through in a marriage to a closeted gay man to a T. So many wasted years. Your mind starts to clear once you are out of it. You can’t see it all living in the confusion they bring into the marriage. I’m 60 years old and have not looked for another relationship. I have found happiness and peace on my own. It’s so hard to trust anyone after this. Yes get out don’t waste anymore precious time.

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  12. Debra,
    Thanks for all the replies today. Knowing someone understands what this feels like is priceless to me. When I see the number of women this is happening to it makes me so sad. This is catastrophic and devastating particularly when there isn’t much of life left for some of us. I was on straightspouse.org but left when a man showed up who had done the same thing to his wife. He was a Gay narcissist who duped his wife for decades and openly said so. No contrition or empathy for her. He came looking for adoration – that much was obvious. He posted under the guise of inviting all the straight women on the site to ask him questions for another point of view and many of the women fawned all over him as if he was a hero. I was one of a handful of women who didn’t appreciate him or the adoration he thought he deserved by stopping by. I asked my therapist to read some of it and she told me she was disturbed by his presence and how he was openly seeking narcissistic adoration from so many women who had been a victim just like his wife was. I left and didn’t go back. If it makes me sad or disturbs me, I avoid it. I’m not adding to that pile! I’m alone and not looking for another relationship as well. I can’t trust any man at this point – I am almost a year out of the marriage. I feel damaged and need time to regain my footing and I don’t want to disrespect another man and have him wonder why. I was set up on a date about a month ago and when he asked me what the reason for the demise of my 46 year marriage was, I was honest and he never called me again. Having a Gay husband when you are a straight woman scares other straight men. Lesson learned. I won’t be so honest since his being Gay really didn’t have anything to do with a failure of mine but other straight men might imagine we have STD’s or something. It’s an uglier reason for divorce than most. While he’s influenced my two kids (narcissists are great at blaming others) and they aren’t being kind to me and my friends are few, I am looking for new much healthier humans to add to my life. In the meantime, I have three little dogs that are just wonderful. When we are sad, we go for a walk and they cuddle up on the sofa with me anytime. Best. Family. Ever.
    Regards,
    Judy

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    1. Judy, sorry it’s taken so long to get back to you. Yesterday really was a Friday the 13 th for me. I tired to work on my own car and now it won’t start. And I did not even know how to open the hood. I had to read how to do it. I really should have know better than to touch it.
      Yes I understand what you are going through. I would have left that group as well. Try contacting Bonnie she has a group of women only. It makes me sad also to see so many women in pain. It is devastating and it’s true many of us don’t have much life left. I’m 60 years old. Living my life single. I have not wanted another relationship. This is what it has done to me I don’t feel like I can trust. And I don’t know if that will ever go away. I’ve not even tried to date. The past 5 years I’ve spent rebuilding my life. I left the marriage with the clothes on my back. I got on a plane leaving all of my belonging behind. Yes it’s been a tough road. But I do feel stronger knowing I can survive and make it on my own.
      It’s hard seeing these men have no remorse after the years we gave. I stopped expecting an apology or answers from him years back. I don’t have any communication with my ex. I’ve not seen or talked to him in 5 years. This works out best for me as we no children together.
      We will get through this. My life is definitely better without him. He tormented me long enough in the marriage. I think our lives get much better once we move on. I know there are things we have to work out for ourselves and it helps just having someone who understands.Judy I’m here if you need to talk.
      Best regards,
      Debra

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      1. Debra,
        I think this horror is empowering in odd ways along the way. When you can get a bit down the road and look back realizing that you are actually surviving it, it’s something very positive. Talk about self respect. That said, I am actually having a tougher time at the ten month mark. Perhaps it’s having less to sort out and do in hurry with things now calming down that’s doing it. The anger and contempt I feel for him is off the charts and I can’t resolve it. He humiliated me in ways that were indecent. He and I had 100+ conversations about sex and he knew all along he was Gay. We did the dance to my peril. His lack of decency and respect for me and the half century I stood by him is nauseating to any caring person. I told him to get out and the day he got the moving truck, I threw all of his clothing in garbage bags down the stairs to him to speed it up. He was taking his time. I took the mattress and pitched it down the stairs and out the front door of our half million dollar house for all the neighbors to see. I didn’t care what it did to anything of his. I filled boxes and taped them shut and put them in the driveway. I threw him out of my home and my life. Self absorbed scumbag. When he was about to depart in the truck, he said “goodbye sweetie”. The next week when I spoke to him about our corporation we share, he asked me “so, what did you do for fun last week”. I though he must be mentally deficient for the comments. It was like he wasn’t in his right mind and I almost said “I threw my cheating Gay mother effing husband of 46 years out”. The sheer inability to grasp what he did to me is staggering. Arrogant, stupid or nasty. I can’t decide. Nobody should get away with this as he has without consequences. As they all have. I worked at this god awful marriage thinking it was something I could fix. Signs he didn’t love me or want to have sex with me made me work harder. Testosterone tests, therapy and marriage counselors – just exactly like you experienced. What a ridiculous and empty dance! ! ! ! ! ! ! He knew and said nothing. I don’t love him. Who could with what he has done to me? I did but he destroyed it. I just can’t resolve the anger or grasp how anyone could do this to their spouse. It’s hateful, irresponsible and EVIL. I wish him nothing but the worst in life just like he gave me. And then there is this: I am still in business with him but we only communicate twice a month via email. Even that makes me sick. I’ve spent decades defending LBGT rights both in marches, rallies and donations. It’s not that he’s Gay. It’s that he destroyed my entire adult life. I am 66 and I can’t trust anyone and I’m very bitter. I am very comfortable alone. That’s the saving grace. I am all I have and I CAN count on ME. Nobody can’t take anything more from me like he has. I am attempting to fix things like you are LOL. Sorry about the car. You will figure it out. Sometimes I step back and analyze stuff and then take a second look. Our new life can also offer a thrill when we do something like fix the car or the house. That’s the reward. Knowing we don’t need anyone. Huge hug…. you are such a wonderful woman. I’m sorry we met for this reason. I will buy your book soon. 🙂
        Judy

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      2. Thank you so much Judy. You did the right thing kicking him out. There is nothing to save after finding out the truth of what they are. And I feel like you it’s not that they are gay it is what they did to us, lying for years about who they are. We worked hard trying to fix something that could never be fixed. They are such cowards and users. They used us for a purpose. It takes a very narcissistic person to do what they did. So yes I believe they are narcissist without a conscious. It’s pure EVIL. I do understand your anger. Anger is a phase of grief we have to go through it to get to the other side. I have no respect for closeted gay men who marry women. And there are so many of them out there. There are gay men who would never think of marrying a women. These cowards use women. My gay ex treated me so bad he was physically and verbally abusive. I was so beat down I did not know how to get out of it. I am glad I am free of him. Judy you will get passed the anger it just takes time. I admit when I hear stories like yours and that you spent 46 years in it it makes me angry. We grieve the loss of a person we thought we knew it’s like a death. Realizing we never knew them. We mourn the loss and we do move on, but it does change us. Like for me I feel like I can’t trust so I’ve stayed single. I want you to know there is life after this devastation. And it is a better life than the one we had with them. When I think about it I was always having to jump through hoops to try to please him. I don’t have to do that anymore, I’m free. And your free. I was glad to hear you got out of it. Kicking him out was the best thing you ever did. I like the way you threw the mattress out in the front yard for all the neighbors to see, that gave me a chuckle. At least we can still have a laugh.

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  13. I think those of us who have been robbed of a legitimate life and love in marriages are getting lost in the in the huge coming out movement. Nobody seems to realize what the spouse of these awful scumbags is going through as a result. Fine you are Gay but why destroy someone else or an entire family? That speaks past your sexuality. It says you have NO INTEGRITY and moral compass anyway. To deliberately destroy and use someone is the worst thing you can do in life. I try to tell myself karma is going to get this SOB. Watching him disappear into the sunset with a smile is not something I can accept. And the realization he never gave a crap about me is horrific. I can’t deal with it. I loved him. Bastard.

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    1. Yes we were robbed of a legitimate life. It was all a lie and it hurts to know we spent our lives loving and caring for someone who never loved or cared for us. It is unacceptable they get to ride of into the sunset with a new love and a new life after what they did to us. It is unfair. And it hurts like hell. You know we were living legitimate lives. They were not authentic. And the reason they were not authentic is because they could not accept themselves. If they cannot accept themselves they are full of self loathing. Yes they took it all out on us. Who are they going to take it out on now? Believe me when I say it will not all sunshine for them, because they carry all this self loathing into the new relationship even if it is with a man. Most of their relationships don’t last long. They take their miserable selves with them where ever they go.

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  14. One last very interesting aspect of my life being blown off the Earth is that I found out because a prepaid cell cropped up and he guarded it like it was worth a million dollars. The next week he got incredibly sick and almost died. I had to transport him to a hospital and I stayed with him all night while they saved his life. I returned home at 7 a.m. and started cleaning up from him unable to control his bladder before he went to the hospital – there was urine all over the house. Everything was soaked. I stepped out into the backyard with my dogs and my cell rang. It was a hysterical man who said “Where is he ? I love him, no no you don’t understand. I am with him. You are in our way. I am so worried” I said but but but, we have been married 46 years. The male said “I know that but it’s over”. I stood there watching my entire half century go down the drain. I was so shocked. I know of this man. He’s long term married! He met my husband at a meeting for a hobby they share. The reason I am mentioning this is because his wife DOES NOT KNOW. She is one of us but completely in the dark. The wreckage these men cause is catastrophic all because they don’t have the integrity to declare what they are to begin with.

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    1. Judy this is so sad. I feel your pain. It is so shocking! 46 years down the drain it makes you question everything about your life. I don’t know how these men do this. How do they sleep at night? The thing is they sleep just fine. The devastation they cause does not phase them. I am so sorry for what you are going through. And this poor woman that does not know. She will be devastated too when she finds out. Another life ruined. These men are cowards. I have no respect for any of them.

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  15. I’m not sure where to begin in my writing this but perhaps to start with gratitude for each and every one of you who have posted and shared. Special thanks to you Debra for all of your time, energy, and genuineness in developing and maintaining this blog. The validation that I’ve gotten from just reading others’ stories has meant the world to me as I’ve went through without anyone else who has had a similar experience. I’m not sure if I’m able to compose my story concisely enough to share it here, but pieces of my story are very similar and very different. However, the overarching picture is the same. I was completely and utterly blindsided as we had a stable and happy marriage until he one day asks for divorce on Skype while I was gone from our home for work. My heart and mind struggles with what was the reality that I thought I was living and feeling (happily married to my best friend) and the one that was happening behind my back (cheating and gay). The unhappy parts of our marriage were so subtle that I consistently felt and believed that they were typical things couples grew and worked through.

    I think at this time I’m struggling the most with coping with how he gets to move on happily with a new female narc ego supply and I’m punished and left alone after being the one who was faithful, loving, supportive, and open. When I confronted him with the information I found I told him “I was honored to had been the woman he tried to live a straight life with, wouldn’t hurt him, and would support him in his process”. He denied and scoffed at me. Is there ever “karma” or consequences or emotional pain for these men? As much as I am going through my days for myself (work, yoga, volunteering, working on my house, etc.), I cannot shake the feelings of emptiness and a need for some balance/fairness in this. I’m also struggling in talking about this with others because our situations are so foreign to so many others who go through divorce or ending of relationship.

    Thanks for listening.

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    1. Meghan, I am sorry for the pain you are going through and I know how hard it is to talk to others about this many people don’t understand. I do hope you have family you can talk to and a few close friends you can trust. So many of these closeted gay men will never admit the truth even after evidence to the contrary. And many of them do move on finding another woman’s life to destroy. There are support groups for women online who have been though this same experience. It is validating to be able to share with these woman who totally get it.

      Reading your what you have been through broke my heart, him asking for a divorce over Skype I think these men are cold, without feeling or remorse, and they are cowards. They do have feelings for themselves.

      I understand wanting fairness and balance. Wondering about karma if it really exist. The bible says we reap what we sew. It’s only natural as human being we want justice. Maybe our justice is that we do get to move on away from this and they are stuck living their lie. We get to live an authentic life. Those that remain in the closet never find authenticity. They are stuck in a purgatory of their own making.

      It takes time to heal from such a betrayal. It is time to take care of you. You are moving in the right direction with your volunteer work and yoga. One day at a time one step at a time. One day you look look back and that life you had with him will be so far away from you. You will wonder why you were ever with him in the first place.

      Best Regards,
      Debra xoxoxo

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  16. I know this article was posted over 2 years ago but the line where it said something like…..you robbed me of someone who could truly love me……This is the major emotional issue that I can’t move past. I’ve gotten over the abuse…. but the wasted 20 years i can’t digest it. have you been able to put that behind you?

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    1. Amy I have been able to put it behind me, so that I can enjoy the life I have left. There is nothing I can do about the wasted years but moving forward I am blessed with a loving family grown children and grandchildren. I am very grateful for the people I have in my life today. I have no contact with the gay ex but I know he never came out and continues to abuse women. About a year ago I came across an arrest he had last year for beating up a woman he was dating. I am happy to be free of him today. I am saddened that this continues to happen to women.

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    2. Amy –
      That’s my remaining issue and the reason I can’t get rid of the anger. I don’t miss him. I despise him. I just can’t understand how someone could do this and waste 46 years of my life duping me and abusing me and then skate off with no consequences to it. I’ve been in therapy for a year and a group and nobody else can get past that remaining issue. It’s not about forgiveness. It’s about integrity and doing right by your spouse keeping the commitment. Forgiveness – as some suggest – doesn’t make us feel better. It reinforces what dopes we have been. Why would we reward them with more consideration. That would be more unsettling. Lately I have worked on this issue because my dogs are tired of hearing me fume late at night about how wrong this is and how he simply got away with it. 🙂 I think there are simply some things in life we can’t reconcile or do anything about and this is one of them. Who ever said life would be fair. It’s clearly not. The only thing we can do is get away from anyone that would conduct their lives like this. The pain of betrayal is staggering but the anger – to me – eclipses it altogether. I am so much better off without this awful man who lives the darkest life. Like you, I can’t reconcile why I spent 46 years with him. My life is now pretty much gone and I have nobody to care for me in my old age. Still, I am loving living alone with my dogs. Nobody is lying, cheating or spinning anything. Just an honest existence. Nice to meet you, Amy ❤

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      1. Judy I forgave his abuse over and over in the marriage to my own detriment. I do believe In God. And believe they will be held accountable maybe not in this life but they will be judged. Yes I like you am happy to be away from such a toxic miserable human being. I am single also. I am fine with living alone. I no longer have to walk on eggshells or put up with abuse.

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      2. Debra,
        I agree 100% with you. That’s my saving grace. I believe in God as well. Signs of him sending me strength and helping me make all the right decisions moving forward are everywhere. I also believe in Karma. He will eventually be judged. I hang on to that as well. Thank you!

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  17. Debra,

    Mine never actually came out either. He’s stuck in the back of the hermetically sealed closet looking for his next victim. Getting rid of me wiped his slate clean. Nobody knows anything about him. New prospects.

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  18. Well I am the gay husband and my ex wife is the narcissist. I was honest with her about the feelings I had for men. I got the deer in headlights look from her always. I never cheated on her. I was consumed with guilt. Once I finally came to terms with my sexuality I asked for a divorce. I offered to help her out for awhile because I felt badly. Well I have been used and abused by a truly evil person for 2 years now. Our children have been physically abused by her in her quest to destroy me. So fuck your naive little article. Its not always the case.

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    1. Eric I know it’s not always the case and I state that many times on this blog. I’m writing from my own experience. It’s great that you were honest with your wife and I’m sorry for what she put you through.

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    2. Eric,
      Her reaction to your being Gay is not the issue here. Your marrying a straight woman to begin with when all along you KNEW you were Gay is. Talk about a lack of integrity. I recognize spin when I see it. My Gay husband did what you are attempting here. He said I knew to our children and I did not. This was an attempt to look innocent and rid him of blame. He told me I was crazy and a narcissist and I have been tested but I am not a narcissist at all. I’m not crazy-but I did catch him being Gay and married to me and he really didn’t like that part. The fact remains, you had no business marrying her to begin with. You knowingly destroyed a straight woman’s life and that of innocent children with your lies. The well deserved consequences are upon you. I have no doubt you aren’t having a good time being held responsible. Too. Damn. Bad. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Judy yes this is the problem gay men marrying women and keeping the fact they are gay a secret. Marrying women to begin with is narcissistic. Some gay men never tell their wives the truth. So I give Eric credit for finally telling her the truth. What Eric doesn’t understand is the pain he caused his wife by marrying her and having children with her and yes she is probably angry right now. Angry because she was hurt so deeply by his actions. He must give her time to come to terms with this.

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      2. I strongly feel that what he did to begin with by marrying a straight woman, completely eclipses showing up here and revealing what he did but blaming his poor wife for it. He’s really working at looking like some sort of victim. He claims she knew. Very unlikely. No straight woman would knowingly or voluntarily marry a Gay man when there is no way to have any kind of good life with them. After all, what credit should we give him for being found out and revealing it anonymously in the internet? That’s not exactly owning up. I don’t think it’s reasonable to give him any credit. He’s remarkably abusive and no less responsible than your husband or mine who did the same thing. Look at his last sentence. Telling you off is childish and smacks of who he is to begin with. He simply showed up to get sympathy for what I would bet is imagined circumstances to let him off the hook. Another website I was on has one just like him. Desperately seeking to be a hero instead of the villain and having to pay consequences. He was incredibly clever about it and far too well received. I left it because I don’t want to meet a copy of my ex on a website I visit to be consoled and get relief. This isn’t about being Gay. It’s about destroying a straight spouses life and living a lie. I know you know that.

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      3. Judy I agree with you whole heartedly. This is my problem I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, even those who don’t deserve it. Thank you Judy. Yes I saw his last line using his vile language. You are right they like to play the victim. I think they are unable to play any other role because truly they are unable to see outside of their own self. So they blame society, and their parents. If goes on and on. They don’t have the ability to see. I didn’t want to argue with him. I know the truth.

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      4. The bottom line is that it takes an incredibly selfish person to hide their sexuality for years or even decades from their spouse and being selfish to that degree usually means the person is a clear narcissist. The paradox of narcissistic behavior is they all accuse others of being narcissists! It’s both sad and laughable. They are so good at it that it makes straight spouses imagine they might be the problem themselves. Gaslighting at its best.

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      5. Judy I agree with you on all points. They are narcissist for marrying women in the first place and hiding their sexuality. Many have children with their wives. Still they are out there cheating with men. They don’t care about the safety of their wives or what diseases they are exposing their wives to. It’s horrible to be used for a cover for these closeted gay men who never gave a damn about us.

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  19. Thank you for your important words today. I am truly sorry to read what you have been through. I spent three years being toyed with by a man and finally I found out he was gay. Of course he denied it when confronted. He left my confidence in tatters but that is what a narcissist does. You are just another victim. He hates himself no doubt and he took it out on me. He projected a perfect life that doesn’t exist. A pattern if behaviour stretching over ten years. He will never change or probably ever be happy. A sad state of affairs. I told him exactly what I thought he was all about and he went crazy. Rumbled at last. My words stung him hard and he deserved it. I hope he never puts another woman through what I went through. To any ladies reading this do not waste your time on a man like this. Go with your gut feelings, they never let you down. Be independent, be in charge of your own life it truly is rewarding.

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    1. Katherine, thank you for you words of encouragement and great advice “Go with your gut feelings, they never let you down. Be independent, be in charge of your own life.” I totally agree.

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  20. I am in process of getting out. Just found out about the bisexual/gay part of this puzzle. The narcissistic part I know, but the puzzle was not complete till this bomb blew up. I’m exhausted, shocked, and so so angry.

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    1. Suzie, I am so sorry for your pain. I know your world feels like it’s just been turned upside down. Just know you are not alone. If looking for support click on the resources tab on this blog site. There is list of support groups and books.

      Sincerely,
      Debra

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