It seems that so many closeted gay husbands are narcissist. The narcissist creates a false self because they are empty they have cut themselves off from the true self. The closeted gay husband creates a false life cutting themselves off from their true sexual orientation. They cannot face what they are so they build a false life suppressing and denying that they are gay. I believe they even deny their sexual orientation to them self. This is why even when they get caught with gay porn or Craigslist personal ads looking for men they still deny that they are gay. They create a straight identity. They can be married and have their family but still be out looking for men on the side. They compartmentalize keeping their gay sex acts separate from their family life.
My ex gay husband was not diagnosed with NPD, but had many narcissistic behaviors. Everything was always about him. He was a depressed type that blamed his problems on everyone else. He never took personal responsibility. He always had an excuse and even used down on his luck stories to garner sympathy. He resented others if they had more than him, or were more educated than him. He blamed his parents for not sending him to college, but never made any attempts to go to school. He talked ad nauseam about his coast guard days. He would listen to the news constantly to have news worthy things to talk about, using generic words and phrases in conversations. When he went to the doctor he would try to talk to the doctor as if he were a colleague instead of a patient. It was if he could not stand silence he talked constantly. I could not even take a phone call from my kids who were in another state without him interrupting and talking to me while I was on the phone. One of his favorite phrases I can’t help the hand of cards that were dealt to me. I could not even display pictures of my children in our home without him getting angry.
I walked around on eggshells all the time never knowing when I would say or do the wrong thing. I was in counseling while we were married and he would start big fights when I had to go to my session, because he said I was going to talk about him. Near the end of marriage all the life was drained out of me. I did not think I could get back up. Once a narcissist drains the life out of their victim the victim is discarded. They need new narcissist supply you are no longer useful to them. I became a shadow of my former self. In my misery I gained 50 pounds. I was no longer young. I had some physical problems. I suffered a knee injury and the knee was not stable. He hated taking me to the doctor. I was no longer useful to him, so I was discarded.
All the years I had stood by him, taken care of him through treatment for Hep C meant nothing. He did not owe me honesty, or a fair divorce. He stripped me of everything. If at any time during my marriage I found out he was gay I would have left. He played so many mind games. He took 22 years from me. Time I can never get back. He robbed me of the chance of finding someone who could truly love me.
These gay/straight marriages are so damaging to us wives. The gay husband does not feel empathy. He only thinks that he has suffered. That he gave up his years for you. I want to encourage any woman who finds herself in this situation to get out before it destroys you. There is a whole new life waiting for you out there. A better life one where you are fulfilled and respected as a woman.