Rage, Anger, And Resentment by Debra Sutton


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When The Sun Went Down By Gideon Wright

Is Rage, Anger, and Resentment a sign of being in the closet? My husband was off the charts, and without provocation. He directed all of his Rage, Anger, and Resentment toward me. I knew he had problems, but I did not realize the extent of his mental issues. His daily bombardment of projecting, and directing his anger at me broke me down to the core of my being. The meaner he was the more I clung to him. I had no understanding of what was happening to me.

My ex had three mental breakdowns with psychosis during our marriage one he was hospitalized for. He was getting off some medications and I contributed his mental breaks to the medications at the time. While at the hospital a nurse told his mother it was not due to the medication. Then I thought he was having an identity crisis because he experienced rejection from his father. The doctor told me he should come out of the psychosis but never explained anything else. He changed after these breakdowns. He was not the same person I knew. He started shaving his underarms. He became obsessed with his hair and dying it. He was also obsessed with photo’s of himself, having me take picture after picture of him. In twenty-two years he never cared about photo’s in fact we may have had three pictures taken together in all of our years together. He was on hyper alert about me not being around while he was on the computer. He wanted a divorce to go find himself. He was not making sense to me. He would cry on one hand and tell me not to stop loving him, and in the next breath tell me I was taking too long to leave.

He was behaving like a husband that was having an affair. He did not want me near the computer when he was on it, and would go into raging fits if I just walked past the room that the computer was in. One day we were driving to the store and he started driving crazy to catch up to a young guy in a sports car. He flagged him down and the guy pulled over in a store parking lot. They started talking cars. He had done this many times chased down young guys in sports cars. Sometimes he even got a phone number under the guise of shop talk. This time though it went right through me, and I thought this is how he does it. He was actually trolling for men with me along for the ride. This was my thought but I did not want to accept this. Then about a week later a strange man called my house upset and said my husband was supposed to met him for a cookout. I said I will give him the message. I did not know cookout meant oral sex. I gave my husband the message. He turned his back to me, walked out the back door and did not say a word.

I was so confused toward the end of my marriage. We lived an isolated existence. My family lived in another state. He had been online a lot. I was blocked from his Facebook account from the very beginning, even before we spoke of divorce. He left the chat box open one night and I saw that he was talking to a woman from his home town. I was so upset I could not read it all. He was telling her things about me and our life. I felt so betrayed. I left that night to stay at his mothers for a while. What I know now is that he pretended he had something going with this woman to throw me off. I have talked to her. She is from his hometown, but she does not know him personally. They did chat on Facebook, her mother was his school teacher.

We were still living in the same house while our divorce was pending. He was so angry and raging all the time. I don’t know how I mentally survived. Some of our conversations at the end were strange. He asked me if I thought gay people could live a monogamous life. I gave him my opinion and I may be wrong but I said I have seen gay woman live monogamous but I rarely see gay men do this. The example I used was the singer George Michael. I said he had his man at home, but got caught twice in public restrooms looking for sex from strange men. Then one night he told me he felt sorry for making fun of his gay uncle when he was young. I told him not to be hard on himself that he was a kid.

I later read about brief reactive disorder that described my husbands breakdowns. It is psychosis that can be caused from living in the closet for so long. It is an identity crisis. It can occur after a bout with drugs or alcohol lasting less than thirty days. My husband could no longer deny his same-sex attraction, at least not to himself, however he had no intention of letting me in on his secret.

I booked my flight for two weeks ahead. He was raging at me that I was taking too long to leave. I called the airlines and moved my departure date up. He took me to the airport and cried as he said goodby to me. I left my home and all of my belongings behind including my cloths. Shortly after I arrived in Texas I heard that he made sexual advances to a man I know. My mind felt like it had been shattered into a million pieces, but then all the pieces of the puzzle came together.

I confronted him about the man but he denied it. I knew it was true and for six months I talked to him on the phone but did not bring up the subject of him being gay, because I wanted a confession. This was never going to happen. I brought up the subject one more time, and he broke all contact with me.

I don’t think he could face me. My image of him was shattered. For years he had worked so hard to keep up that straight image. It was even hard for me to see him as gay as he acted straight around me for twenty-two years. It was this past new year and he was leaving Florida and our home to move back to his home state of Georgia. He was going there to work with a man on the steps of AA. This is all told to me by his mother, as he broke all communication with me. He told his mother to give me this message. He said that he knew he owed me a lot of amends. I know this is as close to an apology that I will ever get.

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