He Is Just Not That Into You! by Debra Sutton


I previously wrote and listed twenty eight signs of a gay husband. These are signs that I experienced in my twenty two year marriage to a closeted gay man. Bonnie Kaye has a more detailed list and also has a list of fifty excuses gay husbands use to avoid sex with their wives.

Do you find that something is missing from your marriage? He is just not that into you. There is no real desire, or intimacy. In a straight marriage there is a deep connection that goes beyond sex. A gay husband cannot have an emotional connection to you. Do you feel like you are his mother, or his sister? He will not be into you in a sexual way. He will do anything and everything not to have sex with you. He will blame medication, depression, etc., you as his wife will want to stand by him because he is sick, or he is going through a rough patch. The years go by with you trying to help, but nothing ever gets any better. Sex never returns to your marriage, and even though it is something you no longer approach, he is still making excuses for the lack of saying things like it doesn’t work any more, claiming to have erectile dysfunction, or impotence. Something is off, and has been off from the very beginning. You cannot put your finger on it, you know things are not right. He cannot connect to you physically, or emotionally. My gay ex husband told a doctor in my presence that he could no longer perform sexually. The doctor ordered test on his testosterone levels. He never went to take the test. He knew the test were not really necessary. Something that is missing from the marriage is DESIRE. A straight man desires his wife. A closeted gay husband avoids sex with his wife.

My ex gay husband did not connect to me as a wife. He liked maintaining separate bank accounts. He did not want to own anything with me. We did buy a house together, however he resented me for this, claiming he did not want the house, that I forced him into it. Don’t ever get sick or need anything from them because the thought that they may have to take care of you when your old or sick is unthinkable to them.

Looking back there where so many signs that I missed. Hindsight is 20/20. To finally know the truth was a painful relief. There is shock and disbelief and then having to face the fact he never loved me. It was all a lie to cover up the fact that he is gay. I was used, so he could appear straight to his family, friends, and coworkers. I just wanted to hide from the world. Then I felt stupid for not knowing. I found out there are many women like me. I found support through Bonnie Kaye. I don’t know where I would be without her help. I was always looking for answers, and making excuses for my husbands horrible behavior. It wasn’t until the end of my marriage, I had some real light bulb moments. While reading Bonnie’s books. I started to understand what happened to me.

I wanted a confession from my ex, one that I never got. I confronted him when I found out he made sexual advances to a man, who I know. He broke all contact with me. I started remembering things that happened in my marriage. Like gay porn I found on the computer. He told me I gave us a virus. I remembered walking in on him setting up a Craigslist account he said to sell a boat motor, but it was asking for his age, height, weight. He even played mind games with my lack of knowledge about Craigslist, having me come over to look at the computer to fix the mistake he made about his age. I did ask him why they would need that information to sell a boat motor. I did not know about Craigslist personals. I even found him locked in the bathroom once with a male friend, a coworker. I thought they were doing drugs. My husband and the male coworker were both diagnosed with Hep C. I got a phone call from a man, he sounded disappointed. He told me, my husband was supposed to meet him for a cookout. I did not know cookout=oral sex. I know I was naive. This is probably why he picked me.

I would never make a conscious decision to marry a gay man. So now how do I deal with all this and move on from here. First I had to go get checked for STD’s. Though there was no sex in my marriage for over a decade. Thankfully I am ok. There have been women in my situation who have HIV or some other sexually transmitted disease. The closeted gay husband has no regard for his wife’s safety. There are women in my situation who have children, so they still have to see their gay ex. They have to see him with his new boyfriend, living his new life. I have grown children, but they are not my gay ex’s. I have no reason to see him, or talk to him in this life time. From all that I have read NO CONTACT is the best way to go, with a CLOSETED GAY NARCISSIST.


7 thoughts on “He Is Just Not That Into You! by Debra Sutton

  1. I was in a 21 year relationship. I had suspected things soon after we were married, but he was so controlling I was afraid of him. With my ex, he always wanted sex, expected me to have it every night but would get angry with me that I wasn’t turning him on enough. he wanted me to wear strap ons, wanted threeseomes. he would yell and scream at me about something, then immediately tell me he wanted to have sex. he would hit me in my head if I fell asleep and he wanted sex. He blamed me for not sexually pleasing him. Besides finding the evidence that he was with men, he also had affairs with women. I think he has a lot of contempt for women because they cannot sexually please him.

    we were never a team. He considered his possessions as his own, never wanted couple time unless it involved sex. When we told my parents we were divorcing, my father immediately asked him if he had a boyfriend. On the car ride ride home, he was trying to hold my hand and asking me why my father asked that. So, here I am, after 20 years of abuse, trying not to make him feel bad and making some lame comment that my father was just joking. So here I am, post divorce 2 years, trying to make sense of everything, trying to get over the abuse and wondering if I can ever be in a relationship with a man again.


    1. Dear Amy it is so hard to trust again after many years of abuse and betrayal. I can imagine you have no self esteem left after all you have been through. This was the case with me I had zero self esteem left. I think we need to start there, building our self esteem. I know it’s a long hard journey. Wishing you the very best Amy.

      Best Regards,


  2. Thank you for all your great blogs. Im the former girlfriend of a closet gay, hes a musician. That’s all i can say. Hus common law wife of 30 years is a total recluse and is a broken woman. There was so much ambiguity in the relationship that i now know that no matter how close i seemed to be it was all a lie! The good news is I’m not alone, the bad news is im not alone, and tjis situation is way more common than one would think!


  3. I know this post is from over a year ago… But your site kinda fell in my lap from a Google search and felt like exactly I was looking for… So I started way at the beginning….

    As for my beginning… I married young.. In my teens. And had my first within 10 months. All through the years I felt something was off… We seemed good… For the first, oh five months? Then everything seemed to be.. Less, I guess. Then… Shortly before our 8th anniversary, I discovered the truth… The horrible truth… And over the next week I pestered him with more proof and demanxed even more answers… Discovering all the affairs and even bar hopping I was unaware of before… His drinking and driving and then climbing into our bed while coalescing with our then infant… I was horrified…. We went to counseling… That lasted for three months… Then his mother was diagnosed with cancer and after caring for my own dying mother that became my focus… For nearly a year, during which time another family member committed suicide… He was the oldest of several siblings and we were suddenly dealing with minor children and court and his mothers life insurance, and me unexpectedly getting pregnant and miscarrying twins… Then me unexpectedly getting pregnant and keeping our now youngest… Having horrible health problems, life and death for me and baby throughout the pregnancy… Resulting in surgery nearly four months post partum, juat over a year ago now. And during all this his promiaes of being better and it all being over and me being the only women he ever desired or loved… All those that I naively believed…

    To be separated in May and his filing divorce in June… And all kinds of chaos has ensued… Our home, my vehicle, our seven kids… It feels like a terrible dream I’m begging to end.

    Anyway… I can’t wait to read more… Knowing I’m not alone in this nightmare… Highlight of my past couple months…. Only women I know that have had a gay husband are still married.


    1. Jamrk, you are not alone. I’m so sorry for all the pain and loss you have endured. If you are in need of support contact the straight spouse network. There is also a list of resources on this blog site. There are many of us and more needing support daily. You have been through a lot of trauma. Healing takes time. Be kind and patient with yourself. You matter.


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