I previously wrote and listed twenty eight signs of a gay husband. These are signs that I experienced in my twenty two year marriage to a closeted gay man. Bonnie Kaye has a more detailed list and also has a list of fifty excuses gay husbands use to avoid sex with their wives.
Do you find that something is missing from your marriage? He is just not that into you. There is no real desire, or intimacy. In a straight marriage there is a deep connection that goes beyond sex. A gay husband cannot have an emotional connection to you. Do you feel like you are his mother, or his sister? He will not be into you in a sexual way. He will do anything and everything not to have sex with you. He will blame medication, depression, etc., you as his wife will want to stand by him because he is sick, or he is going through a rough patch. The years go by with you trying to help, but nothing ever gets any better. Sex never returns to your marriage, and even though it is something you no longer approach, he is still making excuses for the lack of saying things like it doesn’t work any more, claiming to have erectile dysfunction, or impotence. Something is off, and has been off from the very beginning. You cannot put your finger on it, you know things are not right. He cannot connect to you physically, or emotionally. My gay ex husband told a doctor in my presence that he could no longer perform sexually. The doctor ordered test on his testosterone levels. He never went to take the test. He knew the test were not really necessary. Something that is missing from the marriage is DESIRE. A straight man desires his wife. A closeted gay husband avoids sex with his wife.
My ex gay husband did not connect to me as a wife. He liked maintaining separate bank accounts. He did not want to own anything with me. We did buy a house together, however he resented me for this, claiming he did not want the house, that I forced him into it. Don’t ever get sick or need anything from them because the thought that they may have to take care of you when your old or sick is unthinkable to them.
Looking back there where so many signs that I missed. Hindsight is 20/20. To finally know the truth was a painful relief. There is shock and disbelief and then having to face the fact he never loved me. It was all a lie to cover up the fact that he is gay. I was used, so he could appear straight to his family, friends, and coworkers. I just wanted to hide from the world. Then I felt stupid for not knowing. I found out there are many women like me. I found support through Bonnie Kaye. I don’t know where I would be without her help. I was always looking for answers, and making excuses for my husbands horrible behavior. It wasn’t until the end of my marriage, I had some real light bulb moments. While reading Bonnie’s books. I started to understand what happened to me.
I wanted a confession from my ex, one that I never got. I confronted him when I found out he made sexual advances to a man, who I know. He broke all contact with me. I started remembering things that happened in my marriage. Like gay porn I found on the computer. He told me I gave us a virus. I remembered walking in on him setting up a Craigslist account he said to sell a boat motor, but it was asking for his age, height, weight. He even played mind games with my lack of knowledge about Craigslist, having me come over to look at the computer to fix the mistake he made about his age. I did ask him why they would need that information to sell a boat motor. I did not know about Craigslist personals. I even found him locked in the bathroom once with a male friend, a coworker. I thought they were doing drugs. My husband and the male coworker were both diagnosed with Hep C. I got a phone call from a man, he sounded disappointed. He told me, my husband was supposed to meet him for a cookout. I did not know cookout=oral sex. I know I was naive. This is probably why he picked me.
I would never make a conscious decision to marry a gay man. So now how do I deal with all this and move on from here. First I had to go get checked for STD’s. Though there was no sex in my marriage for over a decade. Thankfully I am ok. There have been women in my situation who have HIV or some other sexually transmitted disease. The closeted gay husband has no regard for his wife’s safety. There are women in my situation who have children, so they still have to see their gay ex. They have to see him with his new boyfriend, living his new life. I have grown children, but they are not my gay ex’s. I have no reason to see him, or talk to him in this life time. From all that I have read NO CONTACT is the best way to go, with a CLOSETED GAY NARCISSIST.